#1
to tackle the subject again, like a few times before. repetition is inevitable, until the breakdown. heck, that could have been a line in this. C4C.


shave the cheeks, the tash, the burns but not the chin
soul seeker set to blur the boundaries that he's locked in
another female looker set to enter where they shouldn't go
evade the light and fight for life deep down in its shadows
this street is cracking with the sound of white-boy rap
and moans from men and howls of girls who are paid to gag
and you disbelieve
but when you try to brush it off
the loss becomes the work of thieves

and you think it's unreal
but every time you speak sound bites
there's less a chance the wounds will heal

shave the cheeks, the tash, the burns but not the chin
soul seeker set to blur the boundaries that he's locked in
another female looker set to enter where they shouldn't go
evade the light and fight for life deep down in its shadows
this street is cracking with the sound of white-boy rap
and moans from men and howls of girls who are paid to gag
and you disbelieve
but when you try to brush it off
the loss becomes the work of thieves

and you think it's unreal
but every time you speak soundbite's
there less a chance the wounds will heal

and on and on it goes
night after night
I don't think it's right
no I don't think it's right

sometimes she doesn't come home
till well after nine
hardly ever on time
well now I think it's time, to act

but you'll still disbelieve
and when you brush it off some more
the loss becomes the work of thieves
#2
Good piece of writing here, some great lines particularly like:

soul seeker set to blur the boundaries that he's locked in

for the great alliteration and flow of that line.


Hmmmm... could change a few things to make it better. You have started alot of the lines with the word 'and' This is a really weak word, its just a particle like 'of' or 'to'. I would definately not start the chorus with this. So you could rewrite and start the sentences with something stronger sounding. <<----- (accidental alliteration in my writing!) <---- and again lol.

Anyways....

I can see the repetition working, the killers did it in Mr. brightside and that was a massive hit.

I noticed the bridge starts on 'and' again.

sometimes she doesn't come home
till well after nine
hardly ever on time
well now I think it's time, to act

Lmao! This made me laugh so hard, till well after nine, hardly ever on time... Dude thats ****! (No offense here but thats just plain bad)
I would take out those two middle lines so its:

sometimes she doesn't come home
well now I think it's time, to act

Works alot better I mean, theres no point with saying till 9, which is early anyway, that just sounded like you'd add an extra easy rhyme for no reason.

Last bit you start with 'But' My feelings for this are the same as 'and'

And (yes, I did deliberately start on and) thats about all I can say.
If it seems like I'm taking the piss, yes I am, but it's getting late and I have had a bad night.

I think this song is great, but there are my suggestions for improvement, hope it helps.

7/10

Oh some great powerful imagery aswell, forgot to put that in. C4C btw