#1
As I lay in the vacant field of green
I saw something indifferent that I'd never seen.

Feeling the wind touching my sensitive face
There's never been such a tentative place

As I hearken the wind whispering to the trees
I happen to catch a word from the cool, calm breeze

They've got a secret...

The warmth of the Sun pervades my being
I close my eyes and start believing

I slip away to my Isle of Moon
A paradise just for me...
All inside my head
Where every day is the month of June
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#2
Quote by Raven
As I lay in the vacant field of green
I saw something indifferent that I'd never seen.
10 the last part is a little sketchy, your over-painting a picture if you ask me
Feeling the wind touching my sensitive face
There's never been such a tentative place
10 this is one of your best lines so far
As I hearken the wind whispering to the trees
I happen to catch a word from the cool, calm breeze
10 i liked this line a lot
They've got a secret...
10 same with this one
The warmth of the Sun pervades my being
I close my eyes and start believing
10 pretty good getting a little worse kinde of cliche
I slip away to my Isle of Moon
A paradise just for me...
All inside my head
Where every day is the month of June

this last line is very good
#3
Ok this isn't going to be in as much depth as bittertwisted's cause theres no reason to say the same things twice. Overall i thought it was great. I liked the imagery and metaphor. However, it does need a little bit of fine tuning. In the second line, i dont like the word "indifferent". It just seems like it doesn't belong there to me. Either replace it with a word with less syllables, or remove it entirely. That's all I have to say really. That's the only problem that i found in the enitre thing. Great job. Would you mind critting mine? It's untitled so i'll give you a link.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=811451
Thx a lot. Great job. Keep up the good work.