#1
Yeah, not sure what to make of this one. C4C. If you owe me, make it this one.


Re-edited as of Joris' and SYK (bastard)'s comments. Pretty much the final version me thinks.




---Jack Cuervo---

We wafted in.
Riding tobacco tides
and whiskey waves, landing
at a table amongst a sea
of three dollar hookers
and business men who
love their wives.

Click-Clack-Click.
Our waitress, Cleavage, greeted us.
"What can I get you boys to drink?"
"Two Jack Cuervos."

"She's cute right?"
"Who's cute, Mike?"
"The cocktail."
"Sure, at least she has big tits."

Our drinks arrived.
Mustering all the
eloquence of a crack baby,
he hit her with a pickup line
that was guaranteed to move her
lips to his hips.
"Heeey, Baaby. Wanna come back'ta
my place and waatch a mooovie and
fuck like raabits?"

It was a near miss.
Those ruby lips twisted into
a smirk.

"Let's not and say we didn't."

He almost had it.
"Time to start looking for B-cups."
Last edited by ZanasCross at Mar 21, 2008,
#2
Quote by ZanasCross



---Jack Cuervo---

We wafted in.
Riding tobacco tides
and whiskey waves, landing
at a table amongst a sea
of three dollar hookers
and business men who
love their wives.

this is a great stanza. this is the epitome of what i like about your writing. the alliteration is great, and i love the tongue-in-cheek commentary at the end.

Click-Clack-Click.
High Heels.
Our waitress, Cleavage, greeted us.
"What can I get you boys to drink?"
"Two Jack Cuervo's."
"Are those real?"
"Just go make it babe."

meh. this is a let down after the intro. but i can't put my finger on why, i'll reread it later and maybe have better conclusions.

Mike's an ass that drinks strange drinks.
He's also an ass that tends to get ass,
and hunting season was open.


i think i might like the first to lines to read without a hard pause, i think it would help flow. so like "an ass that drinks strange drinks; an ass that tends to get ass," Since its three short lines, my mind wants to read it as one, fwiw.

"She's cute right?"
"Who's cute?"
"The cocktail."
"Sure, at least she has big tits."

Clack-Click-Clack.
"Here are your drinks, fellas."

Mustering all the
eloquence of a crack baby,
he hit her with a pickup line
that was guaranteed to move her
lips to his hips.
"Heeey, Baaby. Wanna come back'ta
my place and waatch a mooovie and
fuck like raabits?"


I like where you're going with this. it might be able to be executed better, but i can't figure it how. i'll read it again when i'm feeling better.

It was a near miss.
Those ruby lips twisted into
a smirk.

"Once I get off work..... No."

He almost had it.

"Time to start looking for B-cups."
Mike is still an ass.


Her line is awkward. I can't really imagine someone saying that, i guess. I liked what you're saying at the end. still not thrilled with the execution though.





idk, i'll come read this again later, but it seemed like a big let down after the first stanza. its hard to use dialog in a piece, especially when you are trying to keep it plain, and also have a certain characterization made. take this as a bump at least, and i'll come back and look at it when i'm feeling a bit better and thinking clearer. though i'm sure you'll have lots of other help.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#3
Ok i thought this was pretty funny. I thought it was great. It tells a good story. I disagree with roamingbird, i thought it was very well executed. Not much metaphor though, but there really doesn't need to be. It looks like something thar someone would pick up if they wanted a laugh. Nice job. Crit mine? Here's the link:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13278404#post13278404
thx. nice job. keep up the good work.
#4
Quote by ZanasCross
Yeah, not sure what to make of this one. C4C. If you owe me, make it this one.


---Jack Cuervo---

We wafted in.
Riding tobacco tides
and whiskey waves, landing
at a table amongst a sea
of three dollar hookers
and business men who
love their wives.
(Amazing alliteration, as amazing as art. There is nothing to work on in this part, the end just slayed me.)

Click-Clack-Click.
High Heels.
Our waitress, Cleavage, greeted us.
"What can I get you boys to drink?"
"Two Jack Cuervo's."
"Are those real?"
"Just go make it babe."
(This part confused me a bit. I dont understand who is talking. It starts out with the waitress, then you, then you, then you again? clarify a little more, as ugly as it may look put a "she said, or he said" in there somewhere, so we know whats going on. Other than that, this really isn't the most creative, but it is necessary so I dont know what to do, except maybe take out high heels, obviously the "click-clack-click" was what that was, no need to repeat it.)

Mike's an ass that drinks strange drinks;
an ass that tends to get ass,
and hunting season was open.
(nice.)

"She's cute right?"
"Who's cute?"
"The cocktail."
"Sure, at least she has big tits."
(Nothing striking about this. It just kind of there, ya know?)
Clack-Click-Clack.
"Here are your drinks, fellas."
(Once again, its just filler, It doesn't really strike me as good yet, but its moving the story along. Just not in a very interesting way.)

Mustering all the
eloquence of a crack baby,
he hit her with a pickup line
that was guaranteed to move her
lips to his hips.
"Heeey, Baaby. Wanna come back'ta
my place and waatch a mooovie and
fuck like raabits?"
(Here we go. This was the shit. It finally got interesting. Great stanza.)

It was a near miss.
Those ruby lips twisted into
a smirk.

"Once I get off work... umm... No."

He almost had it.

"Time to start looking for B-cups."
Mike is still an ass.
(Nice ending. Works well with the rest, and its somewhat surprising.)


This is an ok piece. Definately not your best. The idea was good, just not executed very strongly imo. Beginning and ending were great, the middle was pretty "meh." The dialogue between the characters didnt even strike me as much more than a typical strip club conversation.

and thanks for the crit on mine
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
Yeah, not sure what to make of this one. C4C. If you owe me, make it this one.


---Jack Cuervo---

We wafted in.
Riding tobacco tides
and whiskey waves, landing
at a table amongst a sea
of three dollar hookers
and business men who
love their wives.

i liked this stanza. the ocean imagery was great.

Click-Clack-Click.
High Heels.
Our waitress, Cleavage, greeted us.
"What can I get you boys to drink?"
"Two Jack Cuervo's."
"Are those real?"
"Just go make it babe."

i didn't like this stanza as much. the conversation seemed a little awkward, though i liked "our waitress, cleavage."

Mike's an ass that drinks strange drinks;
an ass that tends to get ass,
and hunting season was open.

this part was great.

"She's cute right?"
"Who's cute?"
"The cocktail."
"Sure, at least she has big tits."

Clack-Click-Clack.
"Here are your drinks, fellas."

i didn't like the last line of the conversation. for some reason it seemed out of place. other than that this bit was fine.

Mustering all the
eloquence of a crack baby,
he hit her with a pickup line
that was guaranteed to move her
lips to his hips.
"Heeey, Baaby. Wanna come back'ta
my place and waatch a mooovie and
fuck like raabits?"

i liked the "mustering all the eloquence of a crack baby." that was one of the highlights of the piece, for me. the other half of the stanza, for some reason i didn't like as much. i'm not sure why, but it seemed almost too blunt. it fits the characters, i suppose, but for some reason i didn't like it.

It was a near miss.
Those ruby lips twisted into
a smirk.

"Once I get off work... umm... No."

the first bit was good. i didn't like the phrasing in the rejection, though.

He almost had it.

"Time to start looking for B-cups."
Mike is still an ass.

solid ending, although it seems a little bit lacking. that's probably just me though.



all in all, a relatively solid piece. from what i've heard/little i've read of your writing, it's not your best, but it's not bad for what it is. maybe a touch up here or there.

if you could read huddled masses in my sig, that'd be awesome. you don't need to fully crit it if you don't want to.
Member of the We Have Better Taste Than You club
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#6
i liked the humour of this. the entire thing didn't take itself too seriously, and there were some great lines, my favourite of which was the

of three dollar hookers
and business men who
love their wives.


which was just very very funny.

what i didn't like however, was that it felt so fake. i always want things like this to feel like you're telling a story, a funny anecdote. this kinda reminded me of when kyrl used to write those pieces that read like outtakes from casablance, yknow? it just doesn't read as real.

furthermore, i thought there were some lame, lame lines. i'm thinking especially of 'hunting season was open'. i suspect that you're aware of the lameness and are using it self consciously, but it just didn't work. also, jack cuervo? do people really say that? i dunno. i mean, in part, i suspect all this is meant to sound kinda corny in places, but i guess it just didn't really work for me.

i think, on the whole, this was funny and things and quite good, but the lameness was just too much for me in places.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#7
This was a different type of song. I liked it, i thought the dialogue worked. it kind of reminded me of Dispatch in a way. It's definitly the kind of thing you get a good laugh at. I don't know what kind of music you were goin for with this, but there's my two cents.

Here's mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=814498
Member #38 of Alter Bridge Rocks Club PM Logz to join
#8
Thanks All.

And Matt, this was supposed to be a bit corny and over the top. I guess in my mind I was visualizing this as scene from a cartoon/comic of some sort. Its just supposed to be there and sort of a story of some sort. I didn't want it to feel to realistic, because if it did it would almost the casualness and stupidity of the entire scene. Thus I used descriptors such as WAfting in, etc... So I definitely see what you mean and am glad you called it out. I suppose I could try re-writing it to see what it would seem like if I made it a little more "down to earth" we shall see.

-zC
#9
What I tend to get from your pieces that not every word is there for a reason.

This had humour, but, I have to agree with Gurgle.

the lameness was just too much for me in places.


I'll et to your next in more detail if you get to mine somewhen
#10
Promise I'll get this tomorrow. I was just about to crit it then but my Mum is kicking me off the computer.

So yeah, blackdotted or whatever they say.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
Yeah, not sure what to make of this one. C4C. If you owe me, make it this one.


---Jack Cuervo---

We wafted in.
Riding tobacco tides
and whiskey waves, landing
at a table amongst a sea
of three dollar hookers
and business men who
love their wives.

I enjoyed this stanza normally I would imply that you, usually with the first stanzas, are quite bland or not giving the piece a lot of justice as it the tends to improve by the second/ third stanza until I, usually, start to get what you're trying to say. This is brill by the way.

Click-Clack-Click.
Our waitress, Cleavage, greeted us.
"What can I get you boys to drink?"
"Two Jack Cuervo's."
"Are those real?"
"Just go make it babe."
I hate when he orders my drink.

I think you placed this stanza in, bang on, the right place. Although vague in meaning it still kept me interested to read the rest of the piece; Again this can be thanked to your first stanza for this piece.

Mike's an ass that drinks strange drinks;
an ass that tends to get ass.

Take this out.

"She's cute right?"
"Who's cute?"
"The cocktail."
"Sure, at least she has big tits."

I didn't like this. It felt meaningless and "out-of-place". It feels too much like a script.

Clack-Click-Clack.
"Here are your drinks, fellas."

Mustering all the
eloquence of a crack baby,
he hit her with a pickup line
that was guaranteed to move her
lips to his hips.
"Heeey, Baaby. Wanna come back'ta
my place and waatch a mooovie and
fuck like raabits?"

Apart from the quotes I thought this was enjoyable. So far the quotes are very pretentious and arbitrary. Try to describe them instead of blasting out what they "would'" say in that situation.

It was a near miss.
Those ruby lips twisted into
a smirk.

"Once I get off work... umm... No."

He almost had it.

"Time to start looking for B-cups."
Mike is still an ass.

This is humorous. The previous stanzas weren't humorous due to the "pretentious" feel that i got whiles reading.


Not your best but i thought the first stanza wa exceptional and easily one of the best stanas I've read from you. You're getting there my friend, sooner or later you'll write something you'll be EXTREMELY proud of.

Thanks for the crit.
#13
You've cleaned up the conversation a substantial amount, and it reads much better to me now. quick thing:

"What can I get you boys to drink?"
"Two Jack Cuervos."
I hate when he orders my drink.

When I read it the first time, I took the "Jack" Cuervo to mean that Mike is a douche who can't even tell you the name of the liqour he likes. Now, it lets it slip by to a certain extent. I don't think its worth changing it, so i'm not really sure why i brought it up, haha.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#14
hey thanks for the comment on my shiznit.
anyway, good representation of how happily-married business men coincide with the street rats. When I first read it a small "heh," escaped from my windpipe.
Kinda creates a familiar atmosphere.....like a situation from a Hunter Thompson novel or something to that extent. Good choice of language throughout.

*i dub thee "bumped."*
#15
Damn, this one is fun!


---Jack Cuervo---

We wafted in.
Riding tobacco tides
and whiskey waves, landing
at a table amongst a sea
of three dollar hookers
and business men who
love their wives.

Click-Clack-Click.
Our waitress, Cleavage, greeted us.
"What can I get you boys to drink?"
"Two Jack Cuervos."
I hate when he orders my drink.

"She's cute right?"
"Who's cute, Mike?"
"The cocktail."
"Sure, at least she has big tits."

Clack-Click-Clack.
"Here are your drinks, fellas."

Mustering all the
eloquence of a crack baby,
crack baby feels like it's trying too hard.
It's not horrible, but you can do better.

he hit her with a pickup line
that was guaranteed to move her
lips to his hips.
"Heeey, Baaby. Wanna come back'ta
my place and waatch a mooovie and
fuck like raabits?"

It was a near miss.
Those ruby lips twisted into
a smirk.

"No."
I hated this.
All he got was a smirk, then a flat No ?
I don't care if the near miss was sarcasm.
This needs a bit more.
How about something like:
"Let's not and say we did."


He almost had it.
"Time to start looking for B-cups."
Mike is still an ass.
But now he's looking for a smaller chair.

Sorry I did that, but Someone had to.

Even without tweaks, this thing is a grin.

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
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Quote by SK8RDUDE411
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#16
I hated 'wafted'.
The sea metaphor in the first stanza was fucking great.
I lol'd at 'Cleavage'. So relatable.
The "I hate.." line seems so unnecessary. I don't like the repetition of drink. I felt like the line doesn't add a lot to the story.
The conversation was good.
The next part wasn't that good. The clack-click annoyed me and the "here are.." line felt unnecessary. Maybe just make your narrator tell it instead of having her say it.
"Lips to his hips" was awesome. I loved the pickup line. I can read it and totally hear the accent, it's great.
I liked the next part. I like SYK's suggestion with the 'let's not and say we did'.
The ending was quite good. I don't know if you really need the last line though.

#17
We wafted in.
Riding tobacco tides
and whiskey waves, landing
at a table amongst a sea
of three dollar hookers
and business men who
love their wives.

Good intro to a the story. Paints me a picture of the setting ofthe poem. Of course, i love the last 2 lines...classic.

Click-Clack-Click.
Our waitress, Cleavage, greeted us.
"What can I get you boys to drink?"
"Two Jack Cuervos."

"She's cute right?"
"Who's cute, Mike?"
"The cocktail."
"Sure, at least she has big tits."

You lost me here. THe first stanza had such good flow and was very poetic. NOw these 2 parts are dialogue driven, seems like the structure established by 1st stanza is thrown to the wind. Also, the comment bout the big tits is funny.sorta..but i don't think the roughness of this line fits in the poem.

Our drinks arrived.
Mustering all the
eloquence of a crack baby,
he hit her with a pickup line
that was guaranteed to move her
lips to his hips.
"Heeey, Baaby. Wanna come back'ta
my place and waatch a mooovie and
**** like raabits?"

Crack baby comment tries too hard. Again, u lost me structure wise after 1st stanza. THe story is very clearly defined i'll give ya that..but i still think its a little crude.

It was a near miss.
Those ruby lips twisted into
a smirk.

"Let's not and say we didn't."

He almost had it.
"Time to start looking for B-cups."


HaHa i do appreciate the rejection.

Well i enjoyed the story. It had some nice dry humor and was definitely gritty. My main complaints would be 1. the structure is inconsistent and 2. it varied bt nicely said "artsy" lines to very crude ones (i.e. "wanna **** like rabbits") I think u should stick to one or the other. Having a stanza like the first one, which was very well said, make the other ones seem even more crude. Its a story tho, worth exploring i think.