#1
Tell me if this is too pretentious.

Shoveling

No streets,
No sidewalks
It came down for hours

White-outs
Slumbering cities
Together they acquiesce,
One into the other

City council
Plough drivers & the moon
Need more uppers,
It’s almost 6 am

Wake up, wake up
Slacker kids & snow days
My bus is late again

Tripping through the pavement
Is easier when you’ve shoveled
Ain't Nuthin' But a UG Thang: Generic member of the UG Hip Hop/Guitar Music Equality Illuminati

Quote by mydarkesthour

It seems like UG is full of those Caveman Metalheads

Quote by mydarkesthour
I meant caveman as in long haired....


#2
Im sorry but i see nothing there... it appears dry and dull, lacks any real meaning and the only possible meaning i could see did not interest me... sorry but thought it best to be honest.
Light touch my hand, in a dream of Golden Skans, from now on.
You can forget our future plans.
#3
I didn't really like this that much. Its just the topic. Its not a really good topic to write on. I mean c'mon, shoveling? You couldn't think of anything better? I like your writing style though. Nice metaphors and imagery. But I didn't like the piece at all. Sorry for the bad crit. Crit mine? It's untitled so i'll give you the link. Check it out if you want.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=811451
Thx a lot. I like your writing style, just not this one. Definately keep it up, just not like this.
#4
Yeah, I have to agree. It's not really saying anything. Unless I'm missing it.
#5
Well it's just basically a light-hearted look at the issues my city has faced because of the large snowfall we've had this year. It's sort of contrasts the large-scale catastrophes like traffic accidents with me trying to walk through my driveway which has a foot of snow on it.
Ain't Nuthin' But a UG Thang: Generic member of the UG Hip Hop/Guitar Music Equality Illuminati

Quote by mydarkesthour

It seems like UG is full of those Caveman Metalheads

Quote by mydarkesthour
I meant caveman as in long haired....


#6
Quote by pumpkins_rule
Well it's just basically a light-hearted look at the issues my city has faced because of the large snowfall we've had this year. It's sort of contrasts the large-scale catastrophes like traffic accidents with me trying to walk through my driveway which has a foot of snow on it.


I think it's got some potential. Try and make that a little more apparent. I mean, don't come out and say it, but add some examples.

"Sirens wail, fleeting distance.
I sigh, spare some quarter.
Home bum, begs.
Shake the snow,
Cold wet legs"

lol