#1
Will you guys read over what I have written of my English paper so far and see if I have any grammar mistakes?
Thanks in advance!
EDIT: Or just read it and tell me what you think.


The Supercilious and their Residence in Hell

“Kids! Run inside- now!” I held open the door and my two children scramble up the front porch and into the door. Simultaneously, I hear a sound of pure destruction. No man should have to hear this sound. It is the sound of your family being killed, while you do nothing but listen, blinded by the excruciating bright light.
The world is spinning as I feel my body and mind being joggled back to the present. My eyes open to see Baruch Spinoza staring down at and shaking me with a concerned complexion.
“Wake up! Come on, snap out of it! We have to keep moving.” Exasperated, I rise up to my feet and immediately rest my hands on my knees, breathing heavily. The nightmare took me back to the event that brought me here in the first place.
You could see the crepuscular clouds fast approaching. The reporters on the news had been warning us of this storm for two weeks, but naturally, we weren’t entirely convinced. However, it now seems that they were right all along, and we are going to pay the price.
The kids were tossing baseball in the field, their game of choice. They stared in awe at the massive death machine casually rolling towards them. The clouds flashed sporadically with an argent aurora, followed by a booming roar of thunder. I called at the kids, telling them to get inside, but they were reluctant. They seemed to be confounded by the storm. Eventually, however, they turned their backs to their killer and ran into the house. I was the last one outside, and as I was about to run to shelter, I am debilitated by an abundance of light and sound, an indescribable sound.
I awake to a bright blue sky, lying in high grass. I immediately try and stand up but feel agonizing pain in my legs; they must have broken on impact. On my knees I look around, trying to distinguish where I am. In the distance I see black smoke rising from a pile of rubble. That pile of rubble was my home and family.
I broke down with utter anguish. Tears flow from my eyes and drop to the grass. I screamed out to the heavens, cursing God and all his doings. Growing up Catholic, I was always told that God created everything out of his caring love for us. Well God, explain this one. Explain to me how you kill my family and destroy everything that I have spent my whole life working for, all the while worshipping you! Punish someone who deserves it! That man is most certainly not I. I was supposed to die. I put my life on the line by helping my family into our home and I am the only one who survives because of it. You have a sick sense of humor.
You can tell me your excuses in just a little bit. I’m coming to see you. A trembling hand reaches to my belt. I always carried my pistol in a holster on my belt. This is due to the coyotes that sometimes show up at night and attack the chickens. The metal of the gun felt cold. I took it out of its holster and held it in my hands. I searched inside of me for a reason to carry forward, to push forward. But I only found hatred; chilling, dead hatred.


EDIT: Holy ****, sorry for the great wall of text. For some reason, indents aren't showing up. I will try and fix it.
Last edited by killsPEACHES at Mar 15, 2008,
#2
pfft! Grammer nazis only use their powers to humiliate people.
Quote by Noyon999

They will be on their knees begging for mercy... But The Pit shall have no such mercy and finish them with a "HADOKEN!"


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#3
you idiot!
you start off paragraphs with indentations!
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#4
Quote by Chikitty_China
pfft! Grammer nazis only use their powers to humiliate people.


I hope you don't consider yourself to be one.
#5
Quote by LazySandman
you idiot!
you start off paragraphs with indentations!

No ****. I put them in when I typed it, but they aren't showing up. Read the bottom of the post.
#6
We Grammar Nazis do not help. We are only here to frustrate retarded people more.


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#7
Quote by killsPEACHES
I hope you don't consider yourself to be one.


I kinda hope you were kidding. Spelling it "grammer" is the irony in it.... Even the group is spelled "grammer nazi's"
Quote by Noyon999

They will be on their knees begging for mercy... But The Pit shall have no such mercy and finish them with a "HADOKEN!"


Founder of the Help UG Achieve World Domination group and Vice President of UGtopia
#8
Quote by killsPEACHES
Thanks in advanced!


Should be "Thanks in advance."

You're welcome.
#9
well you're not a bad writer, why did you ever ask for grammar help

only thing that i felt did not flow was "This is due to the coyotes that sometimes show up at night and attack the chickens" towards the end - reword "this is due to"
/nitpicking
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Jesus Christ since when is the Pit a ****ing courtroom...

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#10
Quote by vIsIbleNoIsE
well you're not a bad writer, why did you ever ask for grammar help

only thing that i felt did not flow was "This is due to the coyotes that sometimes show up at night and attack the chickens" towards the end - reword "this is due to"
/nitpicking

Thank you for a post that wasn't bull**** and actually contributed to the thread.
#11
you started well with the "explain this, God" but you went way to blunt.
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#12
Quote by REPOMAN
Should be "Thanks in advance."

You're welcome.



i lol'ed
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#13
Quote by killsPEACHES




I was the last one outside, and as I was about to run to shelter, I am debilitated by an abundance of light and sound, an indescribable sound.
I awake to a bright blue sky, lying in high grass. I immediately try and stand up but feel agonizing pain in my legs; they must have broken on impact. On my knees I look around, trying to distinguish where I am. In the distance I see black smoke rising from a pile of rubble. That pile of rubble was my home and family.
I broke down with utter anguish.


In these paragraphs you have inconsistent verb tenses
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