#1
Elaine is a dog allergic to her own fur.
She despises the world wrapped around her,
the mink coat, the stiletto heels, the diamond bracelets with earrings to match,
but she'll strut into a room with peacocking pride.

The particular room that I was standing in was a bar,
but by standing I mean sitting,
and by sitting I mean passed out on a barstool.
Miss Peacock tapped my shoulder.
"Can I get a light?"

I lifted my hand, which was pruned by a small puddle of gin,
and pulled out a book of matches.
"You know, there's a whole bowl of matches sitting on the bar,"
I said, lighting her cigarette.
"Well that wouldn't make for very good conversation, now, would it?"

Elaine unraveled (raveled?) a yarn ball of personal pronouns;
crocheting my lips as hers' swelled up and down in brilliant intervals.
"I'm a fruit fly that dove into the fountain of youth,
rendered infinitely useless."

She said her friends' approval whipped her ass like a race horse
on an unending figure eight;
"It's like I can see the finish line,
the white ribbon stretched and waiting,
but as I run towards it, it doesn't get any closer."
My lips came untied,

"Like a treadmill," I said.

"Yeah," she continued,
"a George Jetson conundrum"
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Mar 16, 2008,
#2
i thought this was really solid. maybe not up to the par of some of your other pieces i've read on here, but still really solid. there were a couple of awkward spots -- "i was awoken suddenly..." struck me as kind of awkward. maybe change "relentless tap to my shoulder" to "relentless tapping on my shoulder?" and the ending seemed a little...anticlimactic. i don't know, i like the idea of the jetsons treadmill, but it seems sort of abrupt. the first two verses in particular i like a lot, and it flows quite well. just a few spots here and there seemed a little iffy. nonetheless, it was really good.

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#4
Quote by Arthur Curry
Elaine is a dog allergic to her own fur.
She despises the world wrapped around her,
the mink coat, the stiletto heels, the diamond bracelets with earrings to match,
but she'll strut into a room with peacocking pride.

Loved everything but peacocking, didn't like it as some strange adjective... just seemed out of place. However, this is hands down the strongest stanza in the piece, which is sad, because it makes everything else seem a bit downhill. But, I love the idea and execution here.

The particular room that I was standing in was a bar,
but by standing I mean sitting,
and by sitting I mean passed out on a barstool.
Miss Peacock tapped my shoulder.
"Can I get a light?"

This was good. But it just wasn't as great as the first. I love the idea of using the "and by's" but they just didn't seem to work for me here. I'd love to see them work in some piece... but here they sort of bog down the story and almost take away from the "scene." It could also just be that I feel its a little to early to introduce witty humor into a piece if you aren't going to make it a humorous piece. You are still establishing "mood" here and by throwing in the reader off balance here, it seems to take away from the piece.

I lifted my hand, which was pruned by a small puddle of gin,
and pulled out a book of matches.
"You know, there's a whole bowl of matches sitting on the bar,"
I said, lighting her cigarette.
"Well that wouldn't make for very good conversation, now, would it?"

I didn't like the transfer from passed out to being able to light a cigarrette. Seemed like you need some sort of transfer to where you become lucid enough to hold a bit of a conversation or to lighten the "passed out" to something a little less drunk. However, I like where you are going and the execution.

Elaine unraveled (raveled?) a yarn ball of personal pronouns;
crocheting my lips as hers' swelled up and down in brilliant intervals.
"I'm a fruit fly that dove into the fountain of youth,
rendered infinitely useless."

What are the parenthesis about? If its not you really asking a question, lose it. I hated your second line... too much there. Seemed to stumble all over itself spilling content here and there, but generally just losing itself. Condense it or make it clearer or split it into two lines and explain each section better. It needs something. The quote... it... I can't explain it, but it just didn't sit right with me. Again, I love the idea of it, but there is something mroe thats needed to make it work. Mostly, the second part. I hate the second line of the quote... I guess that is my main qualm. I'm a mathematician... the idea of that bothers the hell out of me. It also reads strangely to me and generally just doesn't fit no matter how I look at it. I say split line 2, drop line 5 and you still have 5 lines and everything works better.

She said her friends' approval whipped her ass like a race horse
on an unending figure eight;
"It's like I can see the finish line,
the white ribbon stretched and waiting,
but as I run towards it, it doesn't get any closer."
My lips came untied,

Lines 1 and 2. Again, love the idea... your execution left something to be desire. when I read them, I thought "a racehorse is kicking her ass?" so it needs re-wording.

"Like a treadmill," I said.

"Yeah," she continued,
"a George Jetson conundrum"

Didn't like the Jetson name drop. I can appreciate it, as I have seen the show... but it seems almost to obscure... make it a treadmill brand name or something. Like "Nordic Track Conundrum."


Like I said before, I liked the piece... it just seems to need a polishing.

c4c on "Jack Cuervo" (in sig) if you are doing it.

-zC