#1
first thing i've posted in a long time. crit for crit.


october, 1951

sixth grade: ms. warwick’s study hall.
huddled underneath desks once a month
in case the cold war decided to warm up.

october's drill came early.
i glanced at you from across the room.
your face was set, determined,
beautiful.

i looked away.

principal on the intercom:
“thank you for your cooperation.”
everyone thanking god it was a drill.
i almost wished it wasn’t.

the next morning, waiting for the bus,
an eighth-grader punched me in the arm,
hard.
said i had looked like a pussy yesterday in study hall.
“who ya scared of? the pinkos?”

walking home from school that day,
shivering with the autumn leaves,
i cursed you for being strong enough to stand up to bombs.
and myself for being too fragile to look you in the eye.

when mom asked where i got the bruise,
i told her i got it saving sarah from the russians.
i excused myself early from dinner,
and tried my best not to cry in the shower.
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#2
No comments on this? Seriously? Goddamn.

I thought this was incredible.
That's really all I want to say.
Some kind words to keep this alive hopefully.
Poor advice.
#3
holy sh.it.
im going to agree with stellar and say this was incredible.
nice work
#5
I really liked this piece. I thought it was very well constructed and there were very solid ideas that made this to a delightful read.

The only comment I can suggest is that I thought that the flow from one stanza to another was a bit rigid and didn't feel as smooth, it was a bit as if they were unrelated, or related loosely. Just think the connection between them could be tightened in order to make the whole thing more cohesive.

I really liked it though, I'll be looking at your stuff in the future, for sure.

Carmel.
This is not a pipe
#6
the first half i thought was incredible, but the second i did not. i think you could have extended the bomb drill thing a tad bit more and ended it there. everything else just didn't make sense to me, story-wise, and it didn't have the same mystique.

and i didn't like "principal on the intercom". it didn't work.

other than that, beautiful.
#8
thanks so much everyone for the kind words and critiques. i'll look over this a bit more.

anyone have anything they want looked at?
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#11
Whoa. This is really, really good, Matt.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#14
oh holy cow, thank you guys so much

edit: and my real name is matt. =)
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Last edited by Fugazirancid at Mar 27, 2008,
#15
i thought it was great, i liked how it read like a story. to me, the second last stanza has a different feel than the rest of it which kinda seems out of place, which is weird since each stanza has a similar format of setting the premise, then back to you. i dunno maybe it's just me, but i liked the ideas on this one.
#16
Cool. Nice one Matt.
He's not here. I think he's in the bar with the band. They just got back from the radio station. Is this Maryann with the pot?... Hello?


Sapphire, Almost Famous