#1
I want to be like the rude people at restaurants.
The kind that yell at the waiters,
To demand their food be taken back.
They must have it real good,
Feeling all powerful like that,
I miss that feeling.

Power,
I only had it when I held her,
Now I only get it when I drink,
I don’t drink to forget like many,
I drink because it feels good,
And because it pisses people off.

Maybe that girl wants a light,
But probably not,
She'd probably say something like,
“Sorry, I have a boyfriend. He’s 6’2,
And He’ll break your dick off you fucking
Slime bag faggot.”
Well than why the hell did you say sorry?
Don’t apologize to me that you’re in a good mood,
I didn’t apologize to you for being arrogant,
So I expect the same.

It’s been a night like my pool cue,
Long, useless, and broken in two.
That might just be my bravado dying,
It dies like a phoenix, dancing as it falls.
Poor thing, I’m the only one to know,
It didn’t leave behind any ashes.

“Hey waiter, would you mind taking this back,
They overcooked my steak.”
Last edited by bluesybilly at Jun 3, 2008,
#2
damn billy, that was good. i can relate to the whole thing, that ending was pretty good too.

also, did you get my message? i sent it through the profile pm.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#4
Wow.
Quote by bluesybilly
Sometimes I want to be like the rude people at restaurants.
The kind that yell at the waiters,
And demand their food be brought back.
They must have it real good,
Feeling all powerful like that,
I miss that feeling;
Power, Maybe miss out this line, it's kind of redundant.
I only had it when I held her,
Now I only get it when I drink,
I don’t drink to forget like many,
I drink because it feels good,
And it pisses off people above me.

Maybe that girl wants a light,
But probably not,
Shed probably say something like Do you need 'something like'?
“Sorry, I have a boyfriend. He’s 6’2,
And He’ll break your **** off you ****ing
Slime bag faggot.”
Well than why the hell did you say sorry?
Don’t apologize to me that you’re in a good mood,
I didn’t apologize to you for being arrogant,
So I expect the same.

It’s been a night like my pool cue,
Long, useless, and broken in two.
That might just be my bravado dying, 'Might just' is a bit redundant.
It dies like a phoenix, dancing as it falls.
Poor thing, I’m the only one to know,
It didn’t leave behind any ashes.
“Hey waiter, would you mind taking this back,
They overcooked my steak.”


This is brilliant. Really just sort of penetrates the shy polite person that I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this forum wishes they weren't.
Crit mine?
#5
Quote by bluesybilly
Sometimes I want to be like the rude people at restaurants.
The kind that yell at the waiters,
And demand their food be brought back.
They must have it real good,
Feeling all powerful like that,
I miss that feeling;
Power,
I only had it when I held her,
Now I only get it when I drink,
I don’t drink to forget like many,
I drink because it feels good,
And it pisses off people above me. I can really relate to this first stanza! I really enjoyed it. I kind of read it in my head in the voice of max pain. It's got a film noir vibe to me

Maybe that girl wants a light,
But probably not,
Shed probably say something like
“Sorry, I have a boyfriend. He’s 6’2,
And He’ll break your **** off you ****ing
Slime bag faggot.”
Well than why the hell did you say sorry?
Don’t apologize to me that you’re in a good mood,
I didn’t apologize to you for being arrogant,
So I expect the same. This feels like an internal drunken dialect, the protagonist hasn't spoken to the girl but has already made up his mind on her response. Again I'm hearing the max pain, sin city vibe. Great.

It’s been a night like my pool cue,
Long, useless, and broken in two.
That might just be my bravado dying,
It dies like a phoenix, dancing as it falls.
Poor thing, I’m the only one to know,
It didn’t leave behind any ashes.
“Hey waiter, would you mind taking this back,
They overcooked my steak.”Great word play and description. It shows there is a background which should be unearthed. Why is his pool cue broken etc..?


This was great. I really feel this would be great as a story. I want to read more!

Thank you!

Feel free to check out mine and let me know what you think? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=811112
#7
wow thanks everybody.

I promise to actually return crits on this one

and also I'm debating on the ending being this instead.
"Hey waiter, take this back to the chef,
tell him he overcooked my steak."
It just sounds more forceful, but im not entirely certain so if anyone has any preference let me know.
#8
Quote by bluesybilly
Sometimes I want to be like the rude people at restaurants.
The kind that yell at the waiters,
And demand their food be brought back.
They must have it real good,
Feeling all powerful like that,
I miss that feeling;

Break here, I didn't like starting with sometimes, it almost kills the mood before there even is a mood. Make it concrete, make "I want to be." Don't give the reader doubt in you as a character... go ahead and make it always, A) its more interesting, B) it better defines the character. Line 3 was a bit poorly worded, I'd go with: "demanding their food be taken back," Brought, to me at least, leaves to much vagueness as to their demands... and I didn't like the and. Make the last semi-colon a period. BTW, I'll sing your praises at the end... here will just be negatives.


Power,
I only had it when I held her,
Now I only get it when I drink,
I don’t drink to forget like many,
I drink because it feels good,
And it pisses off people above me.

Drop the 'above me' it makes this section have too much going on. You drop the focus on you and suddenly are rebelling. Don't. I'd make the last line, "and because it pisses people off." repeat the 'because' to tie the lines more closely, and drop the above to make it more communitive more impactful.

Maybe that girl wants a light,
But probably not,
Shed probably say something like <- apostrophe
“Sorry, I have a boyfriend. He’s 6’2,
And He’ll break your shit off you fucking
Slime bag faggot.”
Well than why the hell did you say sorry?
Don’t apologize to me that you’re in a good mood,
I didn’t apologize to you for being arrogant,
So I expect the same.

Wonderful. Only thing I'd change is make "shit" into "dick"

It’s been a night like my pool cue,
Long, useless, and broken in two.
That might just be my bravado dying,
It dies like a phoenix, dancing as it falls.
Poor thing, I’m the only one to know,
It didn’t leave behind any ashes.

I'd add a stanza break here... to sort of give the last part more impact instead of seeming like a run-away thought. Loved the internal rhyme. I'd also make it "falls..." with the ellipse... seems to make it more "thought-like"

“Hey waiter, would you mind taking this back,
They overcooked my steak.”


This on the whole was a very striking piece which really used your style well. Typically, at least to me, your style doesn't suit the way you are writing. You use a style of broken thoughts and random images to create metaphors which gets in the way of actual description, but by focusing on the thoughts and descriptions according to one character the random interjections and ideas ties everything together so beautifully. I also love the content. Your second stanza was extraordinary. EDIT: Forgot to mention, I loved the gritty tone you kept throughout the piece, it was a lot more suiting to your style as well... with your style typically also being concrete and dark-ish. Usually, you hav ea much lighter and "optimistic" tone which sort of sets your pieces back as well.

Good work matey.

-zC

*cough*JackCuervoInSig*cough*
Last edited by ZanasCross at Mar 16, 2008,
#9
Quote by bluesybilly
Sometimes I want to be like the rude people at restaurants.
The kind that yell at the waiters,
And demand their food be brought back.
They must have it real good,
Feeling all powerful like that,
I miss that feeling;
Power,
I only had it when I held her,
Now I only get it when I drink,
I don’t drink to forget like many,
I drink because it feels good,
And it pisses off people above me.

This is good, in an eerie, weird sense. I like how you change ideas between lines 7,8, and 9. You've got really good ideas in the last few lines, a little sporadic, but I kind of like it in that sense. The third line is kind of oddly worded, "their food be brought back," it seems a little forced. The last line is kind of odd. I'm not sure if "Above me" works in the last line.

Maybe that girl wants a light,
But probably not,
Shed probably say something like
“Sorry, I have a boyfriend. He’s 6’2,
And He’ll break your shit off you fucking
Slime bag faggot.”
Well than why the hell did you say sorry?
Don’t apologize to me that you’re in a good mood,
I didn’t apologize to you for being arrogant,
So I expect the same.

Jeeez, I really like the first two lines in this. I almost have no complaints about this. Actually, I don't think I have any.

It’s been a night like my pool cue,
Long, useless, and broken in two.
That might just be my bravado dying,
It dies like a phoenix, dancing as it falls.
Poor thing, I’m the only one to know,
It didn’t leave behind any ashes.
“Hey waiter, would you mind taking this back,
They overcooked my steak.”

Oh god, the metaphor about pool cues/nights is just orgasmically incredible, I had to say it. I like how you go back to the first idea at the end of this, it seems better to put in a sense of repitition (sp?) like you did. This is all together a very well-written stanza, my favorite of the whole piece.



This is really well written all over, the last stanza just killed me a little, it was just a set of broken imagery and almost random thoughts sewn together with the strings of your solid, dark imagery. Really good job mate, really god. Mind reading mine? Link's in me sig.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#10
Thanks again guys. I thought I took the "sometime" in the first line out of it the first time I posted it. Thanks for pointing that out. I also edited the first stanza a bit. Thanks a bunch for the crits.
To Zach: I'm not sure what you mean by this "with your style typically also being concrete and dark-ish. Usually, you hav ea much lighter and "optimistic" tone which sort of sets your pieces back as well."???
Are you saying that I write dark pieces, but in an optimistic sort of way? I'm just a little confused.
#11
Yeah, a lot of times your poetry tends to have a darker meaning behind it, like the above, but you never quite control the tone well enough to make the piece truly exceptional. It would be like Richard Simmons reading Edgar Allen Poe with some aerobics music in the background. That's the closest analogy I can draw to the tone I get from your usual pieces... however, here, the tone was well controlled. I guess, you just didn't let the narrator get away from you here... and sometimes that happens in your other pieces.