#1
hi guys, i wrote this the other night about my feelings towards my girlfriend.

i basically made it up on the spot while listening to instrumental music.

please dont bash it too much lol i dont really write poetry too often.

anyways here goes:


Hold my hands don’t let go
Kiss my lips don’t leave me now
Take your breath by my side
Bring me happiness like once upon a time

I loved you from the start
Enough that you even stole my whole heart
Please don’t ever give it back
Its your to hold and keep and look at down the track


Stay by my side forever
Never leave and never leave,
not ever
I will always love you and
I will always be true
True to you and your heart
As I could not live without you

Nights without you are forever carved into my memory
And these scars cannot heal
#2
it's cute,
the kind of cute where you see a toddler
in a bumblebee outfit.

work on it. it has potential.
#5
Love isn't as perfect as you're describing here, but you'll learn. For the time being though this is indeed a very cute sentiment you're trying to convey here and in doing that I would have to say you where pretty successful. Keep practicing and with time and experience you'll be sure to be producing some really high quality stuff.

Best of Luck.
#6
Fulla cheese and potential.

This is my favourite line:
Please don’t ever give it back
Its your to hold and keep and look at down the track


This line could use some work:
Nights without you are forever carved into my memory
And these scars cannot heal


That's just my opinion though. Have you done a chorus yet? If you haven't, make those lines something you can really remember.
Say for instance someone raped a virgin.
Can they also be charged for theft?
#7
Quote by guitaringsailor
potential...
please dont make this a metal song


+1

with a name like deathcore, why the hell are you writing about people stealing your heart? when u and ur girlfriend are over, you're gonna want to still like her, otherwise u wont' like the song. it's way to cute. cute meaning generic and pretty. keep trying though, i can tell that if you had your head in the right spot you'd write some nice stuff
#8
thanks dudes.

and yes even metal heads fall in love hahaha

but if i was gonna right a deathcore song about love it would probs be along the lines of "we shall rot in this casket eternally bleeding and suffolcating under filth that supresses us above"
#9
Quote by xdeathxcorex
"we shall rot in this casket eternally bleeding and suffolcating under filth that supresses us above"


That's good. Use that instead.
Say for instance someone raped a virgin.
Can they also be charged for theft?