#1
"Our Hero" by Save Lindsey


I turned my back to a burning city
I never thought I could look at this again
Another portrait of a broken family
Another that's been torn to shreds

And so we pick up where our story last left off
Our hero's down, and he won't get up
We need a sign
Something to enthrill us
A simple "yes" is not enough


I took my time
A thriller romance with a killer touch
Now it's just fine
Now that I'm through it I'm looking up


Opinions? Feedback?
This is the first time I haven't totally hated something I wrote.
I like Fall Out Boy.
That is all.
#2
Quote by bassist12
"Our Hero" by Save Lindsey

I turned my back to a burning city
I never thought I could look at this again
Another portrait of a broken family
Another that's been torn to shreds

I like how you start in a bluntly honest way, the burning city is a good bit of imagery. After "Burning City," "Broken Family" seems like a little out of context, I'm not sure if I like how you switched ideas like that. But I like the bit of imagery in the last line.

And so we pick up where our story last left off
Our hero's down, and he won't get up
We need a sign
Something to enthrill us
A simple "yes" is not enough

Reminds me of "Black Cat" by Mayday Parade, with the word hero and that. The first two lines are really great, but the over all depth of your writing goes down in the last three lines, I don't like how you have such great ideas, and then you almost dumb it down at the end. But I don't know, sometimes simplicity works...

I took my time
A thriller romance with a killer touch
Now it's just fine
Now that I'm through it I'm looking up

This really isn't a strong ending, it's just not really up to par with your first stanza at all. Like your talking about broken family's and such, and then at the end hear, it's about a romance? Maybe you're talking about a girl with a broken family, I can't tell.


So yeah, the first half is like wow, unbelievable, but it kind of trails of fast after the middle of the second stanza. You've got really good ideas in the first stanza, just expand on them a bit. It would make it so much fuller and better. Good work though, especially for the first half, I can't stop saying that. Mind reading mine? The link's in me sig.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.