#1
My first attempt at writing for the pop-punk/emo group I joined, yet to show it to the rest of my band.

VERSE 1
It's You and I, in bed we lie, we lay and lie
giving false signs, of 'yours and mine' but knowing;
It's over now. The end for us,
exchanged through eyes, and just because?
You can't say nothing like you mean it any more.
(I didn't know I was a chore)

CHORUS
And if we change in time, I think we'll do just fine
But when it's on our minds we hold our breath
I tried to win this fight; but only lost outright
A bruised and scarred fresh start, I'm undefeated..

VERSE 2
And other guys might like to try, and try and try
to repair not to replace but the fractures here are showing,
this is the end, the end for us
can we be friends? And just because
your heavy conscience has you crushed against the floor
(whisper: and I am wishing it weighed more)

CHORUS
And if we change in time, I think we'll do just fine
But when it's on our minds we hardly speak
I tried to win this fight; but only lost outright
A bruised and scarred fresh start, I'm undefeated..

BREAKDOWN
We're fading fast
We're fading fast, before our eyes

The time has past
The time has past, we never tried

We're fading fast
We're fading fast, before our eyes

The time has past
The time has past, we never tried


CHORUS/ ENDING
And if I'd change in time, I think we'll do just fine
But when it's on my mind I cannot speak.
I tried to win this fight; but only lost outright
I could have taken ground, but I retreated.

And if we change in time, I think we'll do just fine
But when it's on our minds we fall to pieces
I tried to win this fight; but only lost outright
A bruised and scarred fresh start, I'm undefeated.

EDIT: Some small things changed, did my best to remove the "fall to pieces" cliché but I'm having a hard time thinking of something.
Too much gain = Ears in pain
Last edited by Nic Play Guitar at Mar 17, 2008,
#2
god i can just see this now being played on mtv with a bunch of teeny bopper emo girls dancing along....


CLICHE!!!

fall to pieces

i can think of five songs off the top of my head containing that line

We're girls and boys on beds we lie, we lay and lie
giving false signs, of 'yours and mine' but knowing
this is the end, the end for us.
exchanged through eyes, and just because?
You can't say nothing like you mean it any more.


What does this mean? Im confused, did u just put it in there because it works for the genre? I see no story or development here, or anywhere

2nd verse was actually very good i liked that.

Sorry if this seems harsh, im quite tired but i gave my honest opinion
'08 Gretsch White Falcon
'98 Fender USA Deluxe Tele
'79 Greco Les Paul Standard
Airline Stratotone Crafter GAE8

A bunch of funky pedals

Handwired 50 Watt Plexi Lead Clone w/ Orange 4x12
#3
haha. good call with the MTV generation, this is infact my slant on Teen-angst song, and a departure from my usual work. But hey, seeing as how i joined a teenage band, of teenage pop-punksters i figured i should give it a go

The first verse, is simply the set up, a boyfriend and girlfriend who struggle to find anything in common, and who both know that it's coming to an end but are incabaple of telling eachother how they feel cause they're scared of giving up the comfort of a relationship.

The 'fall to pieces' cliché is just that, but it's my first draft of the song so people pointing it out is only gonna help!

Thanks for you critique!
Too much gain = Ears in pain
Last edited by Nic Play Guitar at Mar 17, 2008,
#5
Quote by JordantheAxe
It's kind of bad


That's kind of vague. But if you can point out what you don't like then at least i can work with that.
Too much gain = Ears in pain
#6
Quote by Nic Play Guitar
haha. good call with the MTV generation, this is infact my slant on Teen-angst song, and a departure from my usual work. But hey, seeing as how i joined a teenage band, of teenage pop-punksters i figured i should it a go

The first verse, is simply the set up, a boyfriend and girlfriend who struggle to find anything in common, and who both know that it's coming to an end but are incabaple of telling eachother how they feel cause they're scared of giving up the comfort of a relationship.

The 'fall to pieces' cliché is just that, but it's my first draught of the song so people pointing it out is only gonna help!

Thanks for you critique!


that clears it up, i didn't mean to sound harsh but yeah, id do a few drafts before sharing it with the band, they can be even harsher sometimes, believe me i know.

i see what you've done now, if you tidy it up a little, it could be quite clever.
'08 Gretsch White Falcon
'98 Fender USA Deluxe Tele
'79 Greco Les Paul Standard
Airline Stratotone Crafter GAE8

A bunch of funky pedals

Handwired 50 Watt Plexi Lead Clone w/ Orange 4x12