#1
Sorrow whispers in our ears
the dread in its voice, ever so clear
clearing the sadness
away from my skin
wondering how I've kept you thus far
and praying I won't drive you over the brink.


Chorus --
I'll never let us forget
watching our souls fade into the dark
reaching for a surrender
[might be replaced with--
separating souls from shadows
praying into the dark]

it's pulling me under the knife
under the cold


locked in an embrace
searching for the key
our hearts bar the doors to our misery
didn't know how hard it could be
to realise who I was
now that I'm dead to you
it's only the start

Chorus

breathing in devastation
the river runs dry in my eyes
pulling me under the flood

-------------------------------------

I really don't know what I'm going to do with this, I really hate most parts but I've no idea how to improve them, crit would be great.
♥xx♥

#2
I think the flow in general is great. The rhymes, however, are forced and annoying. As far as the subject goes, it seems to be your average teenage angsty break-up song. No offense, btw.
If you can make this work with music, go for it and you'll probably end up with a good song; like I said, the flow is great so singing this shouldn't be a problem. However, if you get problems with putting it to music, what I would do is start over again and write a new set of lyrics, based around the same theme but without the cliché images. (By which I mean: 'the knife', 'the river in my eyes' 'clear the sadness', etc.) What I'm saying is that you've probably experienced a situation like this in real life. Try to remember that situation and write down what you felt, try to go into details about what you saw around you at the time. Talking about knifes and floods may sound good but in the end we've heard it all before, you know? Try to get rid of the clichés and write something real.

Sorry if I sounded harsh.
#3
No it's fine, I think I needed that tbh.
I'm trying to break my boundaries...I've developed the mindset where if it doesn't sound like the lyrics of a songwriter I admire, then it's no good atall.

But thanks, I really needed that.
♥xx♥

#4
I would like to hear what the guitar in the background would sound like, as well as how fast/slow you would want it to go. Maybe i'll try to create alittle guitar piece for you. I'll eventually put it onto my main page. :*


#5
i guess i am going to agree with phantom to a certain extent. the only thing is, when you write a lyric, and just the lyric with no music, your words alone have to exonnerate all the passion and emotion that you're trying to interpret. when it's a song...not so much. music plays a big part on how you come across to the listener, and can easily carry the excess baggage your words leave behind.
good work, though. the flow is awesome

crit mine?
-To Read Aloud for Anne-
#6
Firstly, a lot of the rhyming sounds forced- I'd cut it out myself, it's proving more of a limit than a tool for you.

I like the juxtaposition in the last verse, though:
now that I'm dead to you
it's only the start


And also, you've got skills with metaphors:
locked in an embrace
searching for the key


Don't like the last pair of lines in the chorus, I can't really connect to being
Pulled under the knife
Into the cold

Maybe replace knife with water? That makes a lot more sense to me.


Also, from a songwriting point of view it's useful to have all your verses with the same length/rhythm. The 1st one looks nothing like the 2nd to me, but that might just be my interpretation.
#7
[quote=""[It's Alex"]"]No it's fine, I think I needed that tbh.
I'm trying to break my boundaries...I've developed the mindset where if it doesn't sound like the lyrics of a songwriter I admire, then it's no good atall.

But thanks, I really needed that.

Don't try too hard to write like someone else, I'd say. Just keep trying to develop your own metaphors and try to use what you see around you in your descriptions. Pretty cliché advice but I've seen it work for other people on these boards

Can you possibly give this a bump? Thanks a lot.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=814869
#8
I liked everything except the chorus. Well, I did like the first two lines of the chorus, but for me, that was it. Also, its already been said, but a couple of those metaphors are overused. I did like it overall though, good writing.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
Last edited by 12epi345 at Apr 8, 2008,