#1
Poem.

There was nothing the night could have told me
through it's intonation of thunder and wind
that would have made me turn round and smile
to the girl that I'd just left behind.

In whispers from forests and foliage
there came nothing except those complaints
that I should have been there and by her
that I should have ignored the constraints.

For fourteen months I was jaded
but hung in there, all jokey and fun
I was the support that she needed
the hydrogen to her sun.

And now the darkness stood and mocked
the moon cackled with delight
each star winked at it's neighbour
passing on half-truths of my plight.

Within thirty minutes I arrived home
and as I came in the front door
I gave the night a small, cheeky wink
told it "She doesn't need me anymore

so while you can all point and laugh
to me there will be permanent sun
your jibes and your jokes will be ignored
and that, in my eyes, is job done. "


C4C. I quite like this. It's cool. Rip it up. Take note of the flow and final message, in contrast to the surroundings and theme.

Edited Slightly, thanks Zach ad SYK.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 20, 2008,
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
There was nothing the night could have told me
Through it's intonation of thunder and wind
That would have made me turn round and smile
To the girl that I'd just left behind.

I would probably change the "to" in the last line to "at", because usually you hear the phrase "smiled at", not "smiled to". There's an interesting false rhyme here.

In whispers from forests and foliage
There came nothing except those complaints
That I should have been there and by her
That I should have ignored the constraints.

The repetition works here, and the rhyme sounds good. Nice personification as well.

For fourteen months I was jaded
But hung in there, all jokey and fun
I was the support that she needed
The hydrogen to her sun.

I liked this all up to the last line, which sounds very out of place/corny to me. That might just be personal taste.

And now the darkness stood and mocked
The moon cackled with delight
Each star winked at it's neighbour
Passing on half-truths of my plight.

No problems here, all good imagery.

Within thirty minutes I arrived home
And as I came in the front door
I gave the night a small cheeky wink
Told it "She doesn't need me anymore

Again no problems, although I might drop one adjective from the wink.

So while you can all point and laugh
To me there will be permanent sun
Your jibes and your jokes will be ignored
And that, in my eyes, is job done."

I didn't really like the last line here, maybe because it doesn't fully make sense to me right now. The first three lines make sense, but the "job" in the last one, is unclear to me. Maybe you can clear this up for me?

C4C. I quite like this. It's cool. Rip it up. Take note of the flow and final message, in contrast to the surroundings and theme.


I enjoyed this, except for the small details I've picked out above.


If you can, check out my song thing, Realization, which should be on the first page.
#4
Actually, I really liked the hydrogen line. I can see where the cornyness might come from but it's a new and cool take on an old cliché.
#6
The hydrogen line is a cliche yes and that's exactly what I wanted.

I was tempted to repeat that stanza at the end, if it was ever a song.

Thanks for the words, rush. I'll get back to you soooon.

And to you, guitarpierre. Anything I could take a look at?
#7
i liked it i think it would make a good pop song like Co&Ca's blood red summer

c4c my song killing the bitch
Just because I play the drums doesn't mean I suck at guitar, or ams that I's iz stoopidz.


Space that ain't yours
#8
I like the bitter end to it.
The idea of a song about breaking free from that leash of dependance is pretty hard.
The metaphors were maybe abit cliché, but the using of them was perfect at conisdered.
My opinion is maybe it's a bit harsh the ending, like it was not just the first time you've done it, because it became like a job. But else the lines blasted the next into a masterpiece.
This song would probably hit the chart lines in no times with the right chords and rythm.
#10
Quote by Jammydude44


I know you said look at content more than technique... but content without technique is worthless in poetry... you can get away with it in songs, but with poetry not so much... so I'm going for both.

There was nothing the night could have told me
Through it's intonation of thunder and wind
That would have made me turn round and smile
To the girl that I'd just left behind.

Well, I can see why you said focus on content. Right out of the blocks I'm a bit leery about this piece. I'm sure its personal and whatnot, but this was riddles with cliches. Let's look a bit more closely. You started out with a stormy night... some call it "foreshadowing" I call it the easy way out. Sure you set a scene for turmoil... but you did it the same way everyone does it... a rainy or stormy night. Neat idea of the night telling you with Thunder though. Then you really take a dive for the worse... "girl I'd just left." I don't even need to tell you how bad that is. Again, its probably personal and means something to you... but to me as a reader it just screams beginner poetry. Break-up/walking away... yeah.

In whispers from forests and foliage
There came nothing except those complaints
That I should have been there and by her
That I should have ignored the constraints.

Much better here. Your first stanza was such a turnoff though that I had to choke it down. Love your first line and the image it gives... I do wish you would have re-used the forest idea somewhere here to further tie in why you chose that image. As it is, it stands out as a sort of random "artsy" choice to give the piece some character. I like it anyways. Drop "those" in line two... it makes it a little too wordy. Also, change "and by" to "for." Sure, its a little more common than "and by" but it also reads much more smoothly while presenting a similar idea. Your piece is already had a few cliches and one more that actually presents something relevant can't kill it. I don't understand constraints. It seems like it was thrown in as an easy rhyme, as you don't really set up or explain constraints... so it seems disconnected.

For fourteen months I was jaded
But hung in there, all jokey and fun
I was the support that she needed
The hydrogen to her sun.

Hated "jokey." I see the purpose... but there has to be a better word. This just felt so cheesy. I mean... I guess it did what it was supposed too... but its hard to take any of this for what it is because its written with the same sort of tone I get in parody pieces. No idea if that was the intent... but that's whats happened.

And now the darkness stood and mocked
The moon cackled with delight
Each star winked at it's neighbour
Passing on half-truths of my plight.

Liked the moon cackled and winking... the rest just seemed immature. I can't really explain it... but I just am not getting good vibes from most of this piece... seems half-baked. Like you are writing it after already moving on. The emotion isn't there... it's almost like you are writing this as a joke... again, sorry if that sounds harsh... its just the vibe I'm getting. I guess its probably the fact you are using almost cartoony images to tell the story... and the story is so grim.

Within thirty minutes I arrived home
And as I came in the front door
I gave the night a small cheeky wink
Told it "She doesn't need me anymore

So while you can all point and laugh
To me there will be permanent sun
Your jibes and your jokes will be ignored
And that, in my eyes, is job done."

Same as before. See below.




Like I said above... this whole thing just missed me. The first stanza was cliche riddled and generally not too interesting. Then, you hit all these cartoony images and ideas that left me uninterested. The piece had a few nice ideas in it... but they were scattered amongst so much weak execution (in my eyes) that they didn't really help too much. Sure, you told a story, but its the same story that's been told by hundreds of others... and it wasn't really told in an original way to make it interesting and the "original" parts just seemed so out of place for the tone that was in the piece before them that they were more an annoyance than a boost. Sorry Jamie.

-zC

Whenever you get a chance... you can check out any of htem that I post.

-zC
#11
There was nothing the night could have told me
Through it's intonation of thunder and wind
That would have made me turn round and smile
To the girl that I'd just left behind.
As short as the last line is, it feels bloated.
Consider dropping that and just.


In whispers from forests and foliage
There came nothing except those complaints
That I should have been there and by her
That I should have ignored the constraints.

For fourteen months I was jaded
But hung in there, all jokey and fun
jovial might be too slick, but jokey is not nearly slick enough.
I was the support that she needed
The hydrogen to her sun.
This is a great metaphor, when you think about it.
But it doesn't read all that smoothly.
I think the word hydrogen does that.
I don't see a way to improve that.


And now the darkness stood and mocked
The moon cackled with delight
Each star winked at it's neighbour
Passing on half-truths of my plight.

Within thirty minutes I arrived home
And as I came in the front door
I gave the night a small cheeky wink
Told it "She doesn't need me anymore

So while you can all point and laugh
To me there will be permanent sun
Your jibes and your jokes will be ignored
And that, in my eyes, is job done."
I HATE the use of caps as an obligatory opening to each line.
It's annoying throughout the piece.
Here, it really shoots you in the foot.
You lose the continuity of thought when
going from the last line of the previous stanza to the first of this.
You might improve the continuity by using a comma
to end the previous stanza.

Also, you might take the last line out of the quote
and let it stand on its own.



Quote by Jammydude44
C4C.
meh, I still owe you.
Meadows
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#12
Zach; First, I never said look at content not technique. I don't where you got that form lol. While I agree with most you said, lexis-wise, some things;

Calling it "beginner poetry" based on it's theme of breaking up and walking away. That's bollocks, to be frank, Zach. You think people who have been writing for years don't write about that sort of stuff?

There's no "cartoony" images there; you see big eyes or hovering in the air off an edge of a cliff? What you kept saying as that it felt jokey was indeed the rhythm of the piece. It read like a parody, yes I would agree with that, in measure. I said at the start look at the flow (jovial) and final message (ignoring those who mock/taunt, "job done" when you walk away knnowing it's right) in contrast to the surroundings (the personified nature in the piece) and theme (my "cliche" break up).

I do agree with most of 2what you said, word-wise, but those two things, especially the beginner poetry comment, bugged the hell out of me.

I'll return on your next piece.

Thanks SYK, stop thinking you owe me lol.

I'll get to you other guys
#13
I didn't mean it screamed beginner because of the topic... because I have seen people who have done the same topic and done it well. However, I called it beginner because the way you went about it. The people I've seen do this well didn't use the phrase "walking away," they didn't set the scene with a "stormy night"... they were original about it. Like I said before, the originality was extremely lacking, especially in the first verse. I'll concede on the cartoony, because you were going for that mood... it just didn't strike me well as I wanted it too. I guess I just came in expecting something moe as I usually like your poetry (your song writing not so much u_u) and was left wanting. I hope that explains better what I meant.