#1
The title sucks, I know, so if you have any suggestions, I'm open to them. I wrote this very quickly, and frankly, I don't think that this will ever work as a song, so I suppose this is a poem. Crit for crit. Thanks in advance.

These thoughts are echoes of ghosts,
Caged by ink and lines,
Condemned to suffer the limits of language,
Cursed to remain imprisoned in pages.

When visited by voice, a spark of freedom may leap
If spoken in earnest, the dead may live,
But only so long as the sound clings to the air.
Then stillness claims its captive.

My mind's eye, though blind in sleep,
Still paints too vividly for breath to match
For it's not in words or colors or lines
That a beauty or art is found,
But relations, connections, and memories;
A language without sound
Which gives a meaning, life, and wings,
To all the dreams the sandman brings.
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Mar 17, 2008,
#2
I really liked this reminded me alot of the inkheart series, the second verse was deffinitely the best because of how you described characters in book coming to life, but only for a few seconds, instead of if you had just said that. Well done
#3
i love the poetic vague way you ago about describing literature, the characters and those who read it...it really helps too that you didn't actually say anything outright, it kind of makes the poem itself an example of what it talks about


if you haven't noticed yet...i suck at crits
Top 15:
Neutral Milk Hotel
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Bayside
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#4
Pretty good. Maybe make it more clear that you are referencing to books, but the ink and lines thing should cover that. Also, I think the part that says they "suffer the limits of language" is really good. It is a creative thought, and one that carries great meaning. I don't know what else to say. You wrote it pretty well. As for crit for crit, crit Justify The Means. It's on the 6th page right now, but by the time you read this, it will probaly be farther.
#5
I wasn't just trying to reference books. It started out as just lamenting the fact that it's impossible to truly communicate exactly what's in your head onto paper, because some meaning or part of it will always have to be sacrificed just to put it into language to put it on the page, just like in art, the piece will never turn out exactly as the artist wants it, because he can't communicate everything that it means to him, all the connections that it has in his mind.
#6
thanks for that crit.....apreciated....i liked what i saw here a few lines dont flow that well but it may sound different with music lyrics always do...keep it up
#7
These thoughts are echoes of ghosts,
Caged by ink and lines,
Condemned to suffer the limits of language,
Cursed to remain imprisoned in pages.
It may be just me, but I have a hard time saying echoes of ghosts. I would change it to "ghost echoes". Also, I think "Cursed" should be changed to "Condemned". It's your call, but I would like to see the repetition there. Also, I really liked the meaning of this stanza
When visited by voice, a spark of freedom may leap
If spoken in earnest, the dead may live,
But only so long as the sound clings to the air.
Then stillness claims its captive.
I understand what you're saying with "When vistied by voice", but phrase just seemed kind of awkward to me. Also, I think some of the lines in this stanza could be shortened or broken down.

My mind's eye, though blind in sleep,
Still paints too vividly for breath to match
For it's not in words or colors or lines
That a beauty or art is found,
But relations, connections, and memories;
A language without sound
Which gives a meaning, life, and wings,
To all the dreams the sandman brings.
I loved this last stanza, and the message behind it. The 3rd, 4th and 5th lines were powerful. If I could find one gripe with this stanza, it's the first line. It's not bad, but I think you could do better.


Anyways, thank you for the crit. Overall, this was a solid piece and I look forward to reading more from you.