#1
crit for crit, again. kind of on the long side, so thanks in advance if you read it all.

huddled masses

i remember when the sirens finally sang.
the evening news had forecasted disaster for weeks.
alarms bellowing like doctors ordering quarantine.
i would’ve sworn they droned on for days,
wolves singing to the sequestered dusk.

later, once the howling stopped,
all-clears sounding over the radio,
we carefully opened the curtains.
the ground was coated with a fine grey mist.
the streets were empty and naked.
a light rain was coming down,
and streetlights blinked morse code dances.

search and rescue came later that week.
they handed us gas masks, told us to collect our things.
i grabbed a few pictures.
nothing seemed like it was mine anymore.

we filed down streets
both intimately familiar and utterly foreign.
i recognized my old high school,
but boarded up and devoid of life it was nothing but a shell.
an open casket at a funeral.

the trek was mostly somber and silent.
we arrived at the evacuation ferry about a half hour later,
and boarded not long after that.
i felt like i always imagined my father’s grandparents had,
getting on the boat for ellis island,
mourning the old country.

you fell asleep on my shoulder that night.
i watched the horizon where the skyline had vanished into the night,
hoping for a glimpse of familiarity.
i watched long after the other passengers had left.

when i finally turned to shake you awake,
you looked me in the eyes.
i could’ve sworn i saw skyscrapers.
Member of the We Have Better Taste Than You club
PM DorkusMalorkus with a list of your favorite bands to join

last.fm
Last edited by Fugazirancid at Mar 19, 2008,
#3
nice imagery and similes. i like it. and you don't lose the story, it's easy to follow and it's still quite poetic.
#4
To be honest I was gonna crit this... but I feel like if I made any suggestions it would completely change the atmosphere you have set-up. This was a good read and an interesting one at that. You've done well here... the only thing I didn't like was "stuttering" before morse-code. I would have just preferred morse-code dances. Just seemed like the stuttering was a bit too much. You've done very well here.... Sorry I didn't give much of a return critique... but this piece feels much to complete to be tampered with.

Thanks for getting to mine.

-zC
#5
I can't figure it out. Is it supposed to be about people who were in New York during 9/11, or what? It sounds like a holocaust story, but you mentioned you grandparents seeing Ellis Island, so this has to be post-holocaust... I'm confused...
#6
ok i absolutly loved it. the last line brought shivers to me. so awesome work..

i agree i am curious as to what event your referring? i imagined it not as something that has yet come to happen, but more something in the future... im prolly way off but thats what i visioned.

i agree this line needs some reworking, its the only one i stumbled on.."and streetlights blinked stuttering morse code dances" but seeing as i love the image created by this line - yeah possibly if you just ommited stuttering..
oh and i know i said only one i stumbled on but also
"i watched the horizon where the skyline had vanished into the night", im not sure but this line just felt weird when i read it - perhaps you could also reword or cut down..

but great work... if you get a chance can you crit my "the game"
cheers
#7
it was supposed to be more apocalyptic-ish. ^you were pretty spot on, although i certainly hope this sort of situation doesn't happen.

and yeah, stuttering wasn't necessary. good call. thanks for the comments, i'm reasonably happy with this.
Member of the We Have Better Taste Than You club
PM DorkusMalorkus with a list of your favorite bands to join

last.fm