crit for crit, again. kind of on the long side, so thanks in advance if you read it all.

huddled masses

i remember when the sirens finally sang.
the evening news had forecasted disaster for weeks.
alarms bellowing like doctors ordering quarantine.
i would’ve sworn they droned on for days,
wolves singing to the sequestered dusk.

later, once the howling stopped,
all-clears sounding over the radio,
we carefully opened the curtains.
the ground was coated with a fine grey mist.
the streets were empty and naked.
a light rain was coming down,
and streetlights blinked morse code dances.

search and rescue came later that week.
they handed us gas masks, told us to collect our things.
i grabbed a few pictures.
nothing seemed like it was mine anymore.

we filed down streets
both intimately familiar and utterly foreign.
i recognized my old high school,
but boarded up and devoid of life it was nothing but a shell.
an open casket at a funeral.

the trek was mostly somber and silent.
we arrived at the evacuation ferry about a half hour later,
and boarded not long after that.
i felt like i always imagined my father’s grandparents had,
getting on the boat for ellis island,
mourning the old country.

you fell asleep on my shoulder that night.
i watched the horizon where the skyline had vanished into the night,
hoping for a glimpse of familiarity.
i watched long after the other passengers had left.

when i finally turned to shake you awake,
you looked me in the eyes.
i could’ve sworn i saw skyscrapers.
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Last edited by Fugazirancid at Mar 19, 2008,
nice imagery and similes. i like it. and you don't lose the story, it's easy to follow and it's still quite poetic.
To be honest I was gonna crit this... but I feel like if I made any suggestions it would completely change the atmosphere you have set-up. This was a good read and an interesting one at that. You've done well here... the only thing I didn't like was "stuttering" before morse-code. I would have just preferred morse-code dances. Just seemed like the stuttering was a bit too much. You've done very well here.... Sorry I didn't give much of a return critique... but this piece feels much to complete to be tampered with.

Thanks for getting to mine.

I can't figure it out. Is it supposed to be about people who were in New York during 9/11, or what? It sounds like a holocaust story, but you mentioned you grandparents seeing Ellis Island, so this has to be post-holocaust... I'm confused...
ok i absolutly loved it. the last line brought shivers to me. so awesome work..

i agree i am curious as to what event your referring? i imagined it not as something that has yet come to happen, but more something in the future... im prolly way off but thats what i visioned.

i agree this line needs some reworking, its the only one i stumbled on.."and streetlights blinked stuttering morse code dances" but seeing as i love the image created by this line - yeah possibly if you just ommited stuttering..
oh and i know i said only one i stumbled on but also
"i watched the horizon where the skyline had vanished into the night", im not sure but this line just felt weird when i read it - perhaps you could also reword or cut down..

but great work... if you get a chance can you crit my "the game"
it was supposed to be more apocalyptic-ish. ^you were pretty spot on, although i certainly hope this sort of situation doesn't happen.

and yeah, stuttering wasn't necessary. good call. thanks for the comments, i'm reasonably happy with this.
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