#1
where the river winds beneath the boughs
that bend and bay and shade the ground,
where the summer blossoms scent the air
with soft sweet musk from blue-white folds,
where the leaf dappled sun traces shapes
on the living, breathing, beating water
where the frogs croak and insects whir,
that splashes unstilled by skimming blades;
there i see you shade your eyes
whilst the sun glows bright your golden hair,
smelling sweeter than the strongest scent
of the summer's heart, teasing your body
thats softer than honey, than Galatea's skin,
and cast straight in flesh and beating with blood.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Mar 22, 2008,
#2
This is SO kick-ass.

It's quite poetic.
there are maybe one or two lines where the beats are a little odd.
But if you read it more than once, your mind kind of overlooks them and accepts them. So it must not be much to worry about.
I love the description. It gives a fantastically concrete image.
Very well done.
#3
yes sir, that was quite stunning...it had a very caling flow to it, and I really like the image of this person 'shading their eyes' I find that to be a very cool image.

You have seemed to capture a moment in life that many can relate to and many probably hope will happen to them sometime soon.
#4
thankyou very much for the kind words. they are very much appreciated.

i changed it a little in the places where it felt a little awkward to me. i think its better for doing so, though i may change those parts again.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#5
Loved this.

Poetry in it's best form.

I am sure I can find some thing's within it though, so I will try my darnedest to get back to this, Matt.
#7
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
where the river winds beneath the boughs
I thin you could have a more active verb than "wind" It seems so... lacking in motion. You call it "living, breathing, beating water" late on in the piece, so I would change "wind" here to something that shows a bit more movement.
that bend and bay and shade the ground,
Usually, the use of monosyllanic words and the repepated "and" is used to indicate drawn-out or tired actions. Here it is used for trees shading the ground. Whilst this technique would perfectly fit when talking about your summers day, I just don't think it works when talking about shade. "bay" feels a bit odd, as well, but maybe that's because I'm not used to the word in this context. "bend" i would pick on more, though. In the way you've used it in the sentence, you make it sound like the boughs are bending the ground. I'd say that needs fixing.
where the summer blossoms scent the air
with soft sweet musk from blue-white folds,
Excellent sibilance. Top stuff. Perfect use as well, you can almost imagine the scene moving from the river to the sky or field or something, just for second, before returning to the "blue-white".
where the leaf dappled sun traces shapes
on the living, breathing, beating water
This description of water is nice. Alliteration is somewhat useful when describing water.
where the frogs croak and insects whir,
that splashes unstilled by skimming blades;
"that" doesn't seem to belong to anything here. Maybe I'm missing it, but I can't find what the splashing is being attributed to. I think that needs fixing. Not only for it's ambiguity but also it's quite a harsh sound after "whir", I feel. "unstilled" just feels off, Matt. I don't see "splashed unstilled" as making too much sense, lol.
there i see you shade your eyes
There's gotta be another way you can put this, I think. Something that starts this romantic image off a line earlier than oyu have it so far. Heck, just tell us what her eyes are like, will add some extra spice to this line.
whilst the sun glows bright your golden hair,
"whilst" is all sorts of wrong. Usually it's whilst something does this, another thing does this. Nothing happens here, this is a moment, so "whilst" has to go. That and it creates wind in the scene in my mind, it's a colder word and that isn't what you want.
smelling sweeter than the strongest scent
of the summer's heart, teasing your body
Strongest scent of your summers hearts" is questionable, I'd say.
thats softer than honey, than galatea's skin,
that's. And a capital G for the reference. Which I think is kinda out of place. Because suddenly you alienate me (and I guess some of your audience) because we don't catch this. Something to think about.
and cast straight in flesh and beating with blood.
Good and unexpected ending. Great, in fact, last line twist.


This was possibly my favourite piece from you by far, Matt. A great read. Hope I helped in any way.

I have forest... in my sig, if you could take a look.

Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 20, 2008,
#8
^thank you for the kind words and helpful comments. i'm fairly sure i will revise this at some point, so they will definitely come in helpful!

to clarify, the 'that' in the eighth line is meant to refer back to the 'water' in the sixth line, but you are very right that it isn't clear. honestly, i've been wrestling with that part because i am concerned that the link just isn't clear enough but i'm yet to find an alternative that satisfies me. but i'm glad you pointed it out because it confirms me that i do need to change that line.

also, regarding the 'galatea' bit, i just get used to not capitalising i guess. i suppose the reference is kind of sudden, but it was just my pattern of though, i was thinking about soft skin and thought of the 'honey' description which reminded me of galatea because ovid uses 'honey' to describe her softness after her metamorphosis, and then i felt like it tied in nicely and set up an interesting ending. so i guess it came a bit suddenly, but those were just the associations that were made...
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Mar 22, 2008,