#1
The songs not even close to being finished but i wanted to see what you guys thought so far......................Its about apacolypse


(Verse is about the rapture)

Gone in a second
Taken to the great sky
He has come to save us
And leave the rest to die


(Verse about the 4 horsemen)

Horsemen coming in
Trying to end time
You can see the end
Burning in there eyes


(Verse about sounding the seventh trumpet)

Fire falls from heaven
Can you feel his wrath
Sound the seventh trumpet
Stabbed in the back

How does this end?
When evil becomes man


Thats all so far im trying to follow the actual story of Apocolypse
Itll be a long song tell me what you think so far

c4c!
Last edited by Ibanez_4 at Mar 18, 2008,
#2
The first verse was fine. The second verse I think could use some touching up. I'd try to avoid repeating "end" two lines in a row, although if there's no way around it, don't worry about it. Also, it's "their" not "there". I'm not trying to be a nitpicky jerk or something, just thought you might want to fix it The last line of the third verse didn't quite seem to fit. All the rest of the verse was great, but that one line didn't finish it out as well as I hoped it would. I liked the last 2 lines. All in all, I think you've got a fine starting point, but perhaps you should flesh out each idea, because you could probably describe the horsemen and the trumpets and the rapture itself with more detail. Good God, you've got a HUGE amount to work with there It's fine as is, but it would get exponentially better as you described what the horsemen looked like, how they acted, what were the horses like, how did the trumpets sound, what did the rapture look like, how did people react? There's a lot of exciting material to be had here, and since you said yourself you were planning on it being a long song, it won't hurt to go into a lot of detail, because that's what will set this song apart from other apocalyptic songs. And don't be too worried about taking a bit of artistic license with the story of the apocalypse. Of course you don't want to chuck it all out the window, but it would give it a nice little bit of originality to perhaps add in your own little details and such. I'd say you've got a great starting point, and I'd love to see where you go with this. Also, if you'd like some more ideas for verses, you could write a verse on the beast that comes from the sea or about the stars being blotted out in the skies and such (I'm assuming you're going from the Biblical apocalypse in Revelation, judging from what you've got). Keep me posted on updates if you would, and I'd appreciate it if you could crit The Art of Mind in my sig. Peace
#3
(Verse is about the rapture)

Gone in a second
Taken to the great sky
He has come to save us
And leave the rest to die

The only thing I don't like about this stanza is a slight contradiction in the last two lines. First he is saving us, implying that we all will be saved, but then some of us are dieing. I think changing 'us' in line three to some would work better.

(Verse about the 4 horsemen)

Horsemen coming in
Trying to end time
You can see the end
Burning in there eyes

"there" needs to be changed to "their" in line four, but other than that I like this stanza, expecially the last two lines.

(Verse about sounding the seventh trumpet)

Fire falls from heaven
Can you feel his wrath
Sound the seventh trumpet
Stabbed in the back

No complaints here

How does this end?
When evil becomes man

Love this stanza, it leaves so much to think about.

You should check out my song "the horsemen," aslo written about the apocolypse.
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