#1
Probably one of my strongest and most controversial lyrics yet.
Here it goes:

The Martyr:

And it goes BOOM!
pull the trigger, unleash all the hate
Don't give a f*ck, b*tch
these are my 5 seconds of fame.

It began in a place
where i was born and raised
The streets were torn apart
by violence and rage.
Grew fighting up my way
just to hold my place
life ain't a bullet but
it doesn't have a pretty face.
When the war broke out
10 blocks from my space
there were bombs in the sky
there was death in the air.

And it goes boom!
pull the trigger, unleash all the hate
don't give a f*ck, b*tch
these are my 5 seconds of fame.

And the house broke down
the streets lost their names
I walked 200 miles
they called it a safer place.
Where the breath smelled napalm
the sky lit bright all night
Shots echoed though the silence
we waited our turn to die.
When the time had come
I devised my own demise
Death wrapped around me
weight of this gun in my hand.

And it goes Boom!
pull the trigger, unleash all the hate.
Don't give a f*ck, b*tch
these are my 5 seconds of fame.

And I will die here a martyr
the world can feel my pain.
Or maybe the suckers will tag me a name
and go to bed again.

While it goes boom!
pull the trigger, unleash all the hate
Don't give a f*ck, b*tch
these are my 5 seconds of fame!


- Art is Resistance without violence.
Last edited by af_the_fragile at Mar 18, 2008,
#2
I get the general vibe from this. However,

"Don't give a sh*t, f*ck, b*tch"

This line sounds like a parody of itself. Good overall though.
#3
Quote by webbtje
I get the general vibe from this. However,

"Don't give a sh*t, f*ck, b*tch"

This line sounds like a parody of itself. Good overall though.

I wasn't very happy with that myself.

Don't give a sh*t f*ck b*tch
are supposed to convey not giving a **** about the consequences and stuff.

And I wanted to convey rage through those words... Dunno how well it worked out.
Well, this is just the first draft so i'll work on the little bits and pieces over the next few drafts. If i get to do that!!
#4
Afaque! Ha. fancy meeting you here.
Moving on--
I tend to be quite nitpicky in my edits I feel like. So I hope you'll forgive me.

Quote by af_the_fragile

It began in a place
where i was born and raised
The streets were torn apart
by violence and rage.
Grew fighting my way up
just to hold my place
life ain't a bullet
it doesn't have a pretty face.
When the war broke out
10 blocks from my space
there were bombs in the sky
there was death in the air.

This would tie off better if you kept the ABCB rhyme scheme in the last quatrain.
Also, at "life ain't a bullet/it doesn't have a pretty face" I think it might sound better if you said "but it don't have a pretty face", because first you're giving a positive view of life, and then juxtaposing it with a negative statement about life.
Quote by af_the_fragile

And the house broke down
the streets lost their names
I walked 200 miles
they called it a safer place.
Where the breath smelled napalm
the sky lit bright all night
Death echoed though the streets
we waited our turn to die.
When the time had come
I devised my own demise
Death wrapped around me
weight of this gun in my hand.

If you use various forms of the word "death" this many times in one stanza, it sounds cliche and angsty. Maybe tweak that a bit, cut a few of those.

A general statement: this particular piece uses some very common verbs. See if you can't find some stronger ones--it could really spice this up.
That's basically it. Well done, this is quite well written. It tells a good story.

By the way, don't mean to solicit
but if you've got the time
I've got a song posted called "Best She Can Do"
it's probably at the bottom of the page by now.
And some crits would be sweet.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
#5
^Hey, good to see your here too!

Bout the "life ain't a bullet, it doesn't have a pretty face", i thought about 5 times of adding the "but" before "it doesn't have a pretty face", but it felt like it was screwing up the syllable count n rhythm so i decided to keep it out. Though i think it makes more sense with the "but".

I've been going through a long phase of writes block lately and then the theme just came to me and i wrote the lyrics in my 5 minutes of enlightenment. So it is just the raw first draft.

But yeah, my diction doesn't do justice to the nature of the song. I need to choose stronger verbs to bring out the true essence of this song.
Thanks, I'll look into your crits and work on them!


And i'll do my job of brining your piece back to life in here!
Though i've been suffering from a slight shortage of creativity lately...
#7
I almost always write lyrics with a tune in my head.
I got the idea for this after constantly listening to Saul Williams for a few hours/days.
So its sorta very Rage Against the Machine kinda thing and if you herd Saul Williams's new album with Trent Reznor, its a bit like that too.
Not my style, don't know when i'll actually be using it either. But i just got the idea and penned it down!