#1
I wrote this in Geometry so it isn't all that great, and its my first song. Crit 4 Crit thanks guys


Spoken:
Must stay awake...
They can't get me then...
Oh no, here they come...

verse 1:
I feel them drawing near
the nightmares are almost here
my greatest fear
what happened to my cheer?

verse 2:
I can already see the morning light
It's another sleepless night
all because of fright

chours:
Fear controls me
This is easy to see
Why can't they leave me be?

verse 3:
The nightmares are here!
Feeding on my fear
Why can't they just stay clear
I must persevere

chours:
Fear controls me
This is easy to see
Why can't they just stay clear

verse 4:
I'm losing my mind
I can't put the fear behind
No matter where I hide
They will always find
Me why do they always look for me
Leave me be!!


thats as far as I got, pretty good seeing how I wrote it about 30 minutes after I woke up anyway crit 4 crit thanks guys
Last edited by therealtater at Mar 19, 2008,
#2
if you can get the right riffs for this it would be good but ive found most often that the lyrics i write independantly from music end up being canned

its much better to write lyrics for music than the other way round
Bassist: BC Rich Warlock (Platinium)

I'm a lefty

Killing is so much easier than forgiving... So much more fun too
#3
yeah well I got confused in geometry so I just started writing, I mite be able to come up with a riff
#4
I don't have time to do a full crit so I don't expect one back, but here goes anyway.

It's obvious that you're searching for rhymes in all the parts excep the chorus, which is something you might want to change to make the lyrics a bit, I dunno, diverse or something.

I enjoyed the chorus the most and I don't think it needs much changing.

If you had more ideas about the topic you could work them into the verses to make them longer and maybe condense two different ones into one longer one.

Overall it's a good start to writing and definitely better than my first few attempts.

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour

But heaven knows I'm miserable now

I was looking for a job and then I found a job

But heaven knows I'm miserable now
#5
Quote by messenjah
its much better to write lyrics for music than the other way round


I disagree. I always like to find music for lyrics I've written. But then again, to each his own style, and I don't play hard rock.
#6
I'm not sure I'd be able to give a good full crit so I'll just point out the main things i noticed. Your verses and chorus are quite short, obviously depending on how they are sang they could be stretched out over a few bars but you might consider putting two verses together. Or could jus try and expand on the verses and chorus as they are. Also you use alot of obvious rhymes, which maybe give a sound you want but you could try using half rhymes just to make it sound a little less straight forward sounding if you get what I mean.

On the topic of style, i kind of get this feeling of Metallica but that maybe just me! Anyway overall good job, quite impressive I think that its your first song and you jotted it down during class! I know i need a long time and to be undisturbed to get going.

Would mind giving your thoughts on my first proper song? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=815573 . Just a couple of observations would be really appreaciated, thanks very much!
#7
this is way better than my first song. you should definitly make the verses longer and change some lines or words to make the rhymes better but a very good attempt.
#8
The beginnings good, in verse two you rhymed night with night, to me teh verses are to short and the rhyming gets a bit repetative after a while but other than that it's good
#9
the rhyming is repetitive and forced, and the subject of the song is rather loose, ambiguous. However it does have a fairly solid rythmn and its definitly not bad for your first.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
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#10
the stanzas(sp?) are very short. and that could turn out really good for what you want, but that might be really hard to get. i agree with the other guys, the rhyming sounds forced and repetative. you might try skipping lines with your rhyming. that always seems to work for me.