#1
Crit 4 Crit


Whispers

Once again the sun is falling
For the third time this year
No one seems to notice anymore
But then someone whispered in my ear

“Times are changing and so are you”
“How can that be? I haven’t moved
I’m where I’m always at and I don’t mind”
“I’m not sure if that will do”

Then I was off in a flash
To distant lands o so far away
And then I was back
After seeing what was missing from my day

The sun is back in place and it is fine
The people still don’t notice anymore
Not that much has changed when you think of it
All the while my mind is waging war

Then I was off in a flash
To distant lands o so far away
And then I was back
After seeing what was missing from my day

Battlefields across my mind
Of what to do or where to find

Happiness it’s so strange
I cannot find it anyways

Where to go or who to see
O maybe you can help me

Where to go or who to see
O maybe you can help me

Once again the sun is falling
For the fourth time this year
No one seems to notice anymore
But then someone whispered in my ear
There's a place where a depth charge ignites.
#3
i like it too. comes of as surreal and imaginative. i felt sort of a loose/slight goofy stance at the same time as something serious and deep with a sense of loneliness and uncertainty. i really liked the 3rd stanza that repeats. i can tell the whispers are significant to this piece but im not sure where they come from each time.

overall good job. kept me reading the whole way through.
#4
could you take a look at mine and do a little crit .. havent got any replies on my most recent one yet and its slipping away.

one here

and one here

theres two that ive done .. if you can, do a crit on whatever. if not, dont worry about it.
#5
I actually enjoy this piece quite a bit. Its pretty imaginative.
The only one i don't like is the happiness is so strange section... just doesn't seem to fit right, and the rhyme isn't the best.. i'd just take it out, unless it really fits into your song.
Otherwise, great piece of work, one of the better ones i've seen.
If you have time, crit mine. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13424497#post13424497
Thanks!
-D