#1
crit4cit
HUNTING IN BRETAÑA

Karma just lies around
Pretending to be dead
While lions beg for food
And hunt for judgement

But the jackals found the judge
And became His guard dogs
With this rabid howling love
God executes their laws

Perched in the Tree of Life
You have me in your sights
So sweat bullets my way
I'll be your trophy game

A laughing hyena
On a desert matress
I always have to stalk
All that I scavenge

But when Love hears laughter
She wonders what is wrong
And this hyena answers
"I'm just laughing at God"

Perched in the Tree of Life
You have me in your sights
So sweat bullets my way
I'll be your trophy game

Why are you hunting with Cupid's broken bow?
No nocturnal shooting will pierce the mongrel's soul.
#2
love it. very poetic with a good tempo and i can really feel a beat going with this and i can really see it working. great lyrics. is the last part in italics going to be spoken? i think that would work well. oh, and i don't see the reference to "bretana"
#3
I agree with the guitarpierre, I didn't particularly catch the reference to bretana. However, this was still quite good. I liked how you related so many things to different animals, and it wasn't as if you randomly assigned them to different animals. I could see how each animal had traits that made them fitting images for what they were. However, I did have one very minor problem. You say that you're sitting in the tree of life, then you say you're a hyena. I didn't know hyenas could get into trees. I don't know if the two images are supposed to be totally separate or if they're meant to be part of the same scene. "I'm just laughing at God" and the last two lines were particularly powerful. I don't really have any other suggestions to make. All in all, this was great If you could crit The Art of Mind in my sig, that would be awesome
#4
The "Perched in the Tree of Life" doesn't refer to me, but to the person I adress in the next line. In the most literal sense, there is a person perched in the Tree, like a hunter, aiming at me down below. And thank you for the crits. As for the Bretana reference, I'll leave that to interpretation.
#5
I really enjoyed this, I feel a rhythm to the song. Even if you left this as a poem it'd be great.

What sort of instrumentation will you use? What genre of music his would you classify this as?

Great imagery. Thanks for commenting my piece as well
#6
you certainly captured what I think you intended here, and that is very impressive with the amount of words you used per line. I really think this is one of the best from you that I have read, and you know how much I have read from you.

There were just some really solid lines within here, and your use here of 'the tree of life' was interesting, kinda reminded me of the movie 'the fountian'. I hope you have seen it, cause it really is a masterpiece.

my latest:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=814630
#7
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4cit
HUNTING IN BRETAÑA

Karma just lies around
Pretending to be dead
While lions beg for food
And hunt for judgement

i love this. nice start.

But the jackals found the judge
And became His guard dogs
With this rabid howling love
God executes their laws

once again i liked all of this until the last line. it seemed a bit vague, i think there could be a better ending here while still staying with the message you intended.

Perched in the Tree of Life
You have me in your sights
So sweat bullets my way
I'll be your trophy game

hm. i enjoyed the last three lines. i wont comment on the tree of life yet until i read the rest of the piece and see where you are headed with it.

A laughing hyena
On a desert matress
I always have to stalk
All that I scavenge

perfect. blunt, straight to the point. nice work

But when Love hears laughter
She wonders what is wrong
And this hyena answers
"I'm just laughing at God"

haha. nice. not much to say.

Perched in the Tree of Life
You have me in your sights
So sweat bullets my way
I'll be your trophy game

i like how this comes back in and wraps the piece up, it works nicely.

Why are you hunting with Cupid's broken bow?
No nocturnal shooting will pierce the mongrel's soul.


i dont get the ending. it just doesn't seem to fit the style of the rest of the piece. you went from short straight forward lines to something a bit more descriptive and i think its lacking some sort of transition. i think a transition would make the ending a bit more effective.


pretty impressive work here, id say there's a few things here and there that could be touched up but for the most part this was perfect.

here is my piece if you have time to say a few words.
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=817129