#1
Need some feed-back and a name. Anything is much appreciated.

1 Frustration has taken over
You've split my heart in two
Now it's time to fear my wrath
I'm coming after you.

Chorus
5 I can't explain what is inside
I cannot give a reason (note: Kind of Dr.Seuss ish?)
I've hurt you once I've hurt you twice
But I just can't take this feeling


This is where it all goes down
10 The battle line is set
Pull my trigger one more time
It's something you'll regret.
We do not talk to do not speak
Only you know why
15 I do not want to go to battle
But it's something you have inside.


Then it happens, It all blows up
Were left with wounds of hatred
The smoke will settle the fighting has stopped
20 But the war has just begun. (not sure of this one)

Repeat Chorus


I wrote this today in a study hall. So anything would be great, such as order of the stanzas, names, revisions.
Thanks
-Marsh
Gear

93 Jackson Dinky Professional Reverse
98 Jackson Kelly KE3

Peavey Bandit 112
Custom 2x10 cab w/Bugeras
Last edited by shredforbread33 at Mar 19, 2008,
#2
Make 5-8 the chorus, repeat it after 20, then add another verse, possibly one that makes it sound more literally like a war, with bombs dropping and such. The writings pretty good, and the meaning has power, but if you want it to be a song or anything, a chorus would be helpful, and you need another verse, or to repeat the first verse. If you're doing crit for crit, mine is Justify The Means, which is currently on the second page.
#3
Quote by herby190
Make 5-8 the chorus, repeat it after 20, then add another verse, possibly one that makes it sound more literally like a war, with bombs dropping and such. The writings pretty good, and the meaning has power, but if you want it to be a song or anything, a chorus would be helpful, and you need another verse, or to repeat the first verse. If you're doing crit for crit, mine is Justify The Means, which is currently on the second page.

Awesome just made all your revisions and such and I'll get writing tomorrow. One thing though you said it needs a chorus, but you also said make 5-8 the chorus.. kind of confused.
Gear

93 Jackson Dinky Professional Reverse
98 Jackson Kelly KE3

Peavey Bandit 112
Custom 2x10 cab w/Bugeras
#4
not that good?
Gear

93 Jackson Dinky Professional Reverse
98 Jackson Kelly KE3

Peavey Bandit 112
Custom 2x10 cab w/Bugeras