#1
I saw your eyes like two distant, parallel stars
embedded in a beautiful portrait of secrets.
a fraction of perfection,
with a hint of incompletion;
as always i clubbed my intentions.
Will you laugh at me today?
I don't want your respect,
only your smiles.
So, tell me what you think is worthwhile?
I've never worried about denial...

Right en-que, for that rolling sonic-boom.
Is there no convalescense
for this sourest of moods?
I recieve small words of wisdom,
conveyed to me by you:
"when time performs it's pantomime,
all your requiems shall conclude."

"I'm currently not sleeping."
#2
First of all, the title is awful.
Secondly, the title is awful for such a great piece.

I really liked this, it's probably amongst the best pieces I've read in S+L lately.

The cliché images of stars and perfection in the first few lines didn't bother me at all, great job at pulling that off. The flow is great till 'intentions'. The lines after that were not of the same quality, so I thought. Especially the 'respect'-line wasn't too good, it ruined the atmosphere you built up a bit in my opinion.. Talking about respect is so down to earth, whereas the images in the first couple of lines are definitely more dream-ish (?). The last two lines of the first stanza are great again.
The flow in the second stanza is amazing. Hell, it's so good that the big word in the second line didn't bother me. I'm sucking **** here. The last two lines of the stanza are just fantastic and the very last line of the piece wraps it up so well. It even brought a smile to my face when I pictured all this

Check mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=814869
#3
hey, when i first seen that you commented, i was like "*sigh* this has definitely been torn to shreds."

thank you for your insight, though. i was kinda hoping it wouldn't be some 12-year old saying something like "LULZ, YEAH I DEFINITELY LIKE THIS. U WRITE GOOD. HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE EN-QUE?"

anyway though, concerning the title.....i just like to go off-the-wall, i guess? maybe it's a sense of literary masochism i like to belittle my pieces with, i don't know.
i am glad the piece kind of bothered you, though. i was hoping it would bother someone else as much as it bothered me.
Last edited by ottoavist at Mar 20, 2008,
#4
Bump.

This thread shouldn't die with only one comment. I'm basically gonna echo everything Phantom said. Your title sucked... your first paragraph was ok... but not derailingly good and your second stanza (prepare for some **** stroking) was amazing. It single handedly made me forget about the title and just revel in the beauty that was that stanza.

I don't expect you to... as this was basically a nothing comment... but any thoughts on Jack Cuervo would be appreciated... as would the bump.

thanks,

-zC
#5
Bump for great justice.

(I'm sorry Carmel, this deserves to be read; I hope that's okay)
#6
I saw your eyes like two distant, parallel stars

Is the "two" really necessary? Can't it be assumed? I think I like the flow of this line better if you take the "two" out.

embedded in a beautiful portrait of secrets.
a fraction of perfection,
with a hint of incompletion;

The "with a hint" seemed kind of predictable. No big deal though.

as always i clubbed my intentions.

To me "clubbed" does not sound right in this poem, though I can't pin-point why exactly. I'd use a different word if possible.

Will you laugh at me today?
I don't want your respect,
only your smiles.

These two lines are kind of bland and very unoriginal, but if they hold a lot of meaning (which I assume they do) then I don't think it's worth changing them over.

So, tell me what you think is worthwhile?
I've never worried about denial...

The rhyming hasn't been too bad up until now, but this one sounds a bit forced.

Right en-que, for that rolling sonic-boom.
Is there no convalescense
for this sourest of moods?
I recieve small words of wisdom,
conveyed to me by you:
"when time performs it's pantomime,
all your requiems shall conclude."

This whole stanza is great the way it is. The rhyming is excellent. Great choice of words. Everything about it is good.

"I'm currently not sleeping."

I guess I'm indifferent to this last line.

I liked this. And yeah like Joris and Zach said, the first half was alright, but the second stanza really brought this home. Nice work.

The links in my sig are for pieces of mine, but they're both kind of old so don't bother about a return crit. I'd be happy if you just read one of them anyways though.
#7
I thought title was good.

Well, it got my attention. I lol'ed [literally] when I read it. I expected trash, I found something completely gorgeous.

Kudos to you.

I may edit in a full crit later, cause I'm getting booted off the PC now, so we'll see.

This is some beautiful writing though. The flow is effortless.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#8
Not a bad piece at all, like its already been said, the title is a little... ick.
However, i'm not too crazy about the first stanza. Seems like the frhyme style is a little off, especially when trying to write a song out of this... but that could just be your style dude. So don't dake that completely to heart.
However, you did nail the second one. Nice use of vocabulary. Pretty rare thing.
-D
If you could, a return crit would be great...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13424497#post13424497