#1
crit4crit I guess!

Limbo's Nimble Subtlety

We could dig through dead languages and
come up with the most cryptic catch phrases.

We could exploit all ellipses, draw ourselves out
(with charcoal or pencil), [make them wait for us],
straighten the silhouette into shadow,
, (shade in the edges).

The shallow plateau cowers down,
we're done lurking in its murk.
Gazelles curse the steep stairs,
eclipsing Calypso, trading dares.

Natives get jittery in the jungle,
mumbling through their samba.
Panthers purge the lung cages,
cradling Rwanda, braving dazes.

It's the crippled anteater tongue
sifting through Limbo's nimble subtlety.

The ciphered dance of a bee.
The wing swing in my honey cavity.

We could sink down in tar pits,
call it a quick dip, never come up for air--
and if we hold hands, melt our lips in a kiss,
share a face, it'll end that way.

We could whistle about walls in a labyrinth
but what is escape worth?
Last edited by system at Mar 27, 2008,
#2
I like this a lot. Different than most of the "stuff" I read on the SW & L. forum. Very cool stuff. I really like how it flows, I wish I could flow like that. The line about trading dares is clever as well. I also like how similar some of the words are that you use, it really helps the flow. Bravo.
#4
There was something about this that charmed me.

I generally wouldn't like the amount of mixed, seemingly random images but you fixed thay with the introducing opening two lines.

So, yeah. Flows really solidly as well.
#5
Wow, I must say you have a license to play with words. You use word play, rhyme and alliteration in a very useful and fulfilling way. This is a good piece in that sense.

But I must say is seems like a lot of the lines are just randomly put together, not having very much to do with each other(kind of). This is more observable from the fourth verse. I'm not following it from there, you have too much lines describing things you've already said. The last two verses pull it back together nicely and gives a lot of meaning back to the piece.

I don't think there is really much else I want to say, to me your use of words is excellent and is hard to find something wrong there. Not anything worth mentioning anyway. Hope you get what I mean with the middle part of the piece.

O and in my signature, thanks (newest please)(crit)
Ferocious mumbles
Last edited by Some other guy at Mar 23, 2008,
#6
OH, I see about the not-tying-together idea. Thanks for pointing it out, and for your other kind words. I'll get to both of yours tomorrow (technically later today), sorry it took me a few days to even respond.
#7
Hey there,
I have to agree with one of the guys up there, you have a great way of going about your words.
However, I think you should maybe take some more time with this piece, as it doesn't seem to really tie together much at all. The first 2 lines do set it up well, but the rest just seems very... I don't know. Its hard for me to describe, because I really like how you played with the words, but it just doesn't strike me as an awe-inspiring piece. Which I think it could be, with your talent of words and phrases. So maybe take some time with this, and try to get whatever emotion you really want to get through, into this piece.
Overall, better than what I normally read, but has the prospect of truly being a great piece.

If you would c4c,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13445530#post13445530
..or any in my sig, if you have a lot of time to kill. Haha.
...
This is a clever, witty signature. Rofl at my glory.
#8
Thanks for all of your input, I may have fixed it.
The third and fourth stanzas have been heavily edited.
For those of you just tuning in (ha) here is how it read originally:

"It's the shallow plateau shadow
we can't hide behind,
always cursing the blistered stairs,
eclipsing Calypso, trading dares.

Natives get jittery in the jungle,
mumbling through their samba.
Cradling Rwanda."
#9
Whoa, you've got some excellent alliteration going on there. And the internal semi-rhymes, like "eclipsing Calypso," are pretty great.

Alliteration's my favorite, so any piece that can make the most of it, without verging on annoying, is a winner in my book.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
Last edited by K-Lizzle at Mar 30, 2008,
#10
Quote by system
crit4crit I guess!

Limbo's Nimble Subtlety

We could dig through dead languages and
come up with the most cryptic catch phrases.

I like this a lot.

We could exploit all ellipses, draw ourselves out
(with charcoal or pencil), [make them wait for us],
straighten the silhouette into shadow,
, (shade in the edges).

You might be able to edit the form or mess around with this. Pulling off something more script like may be interesting, although I doubt it'll work You'll have to be careful though; this has a good flow and you should keep that aspect

The shallow plateau cowers down,
we're done lurking in its murk.
Gazelles curse the steep stairs,
eclipsing Calypso, trading dares.

Changing a few words here might help it flow better. For example, remove 'the' in the first line and make an alliteration or something in the last.

Natives get jittery in the jungle,
mumbling through their samba.
Panthers purge the lung cages,
cradling Rwanda, braving dazes.

Try concentrating less on the graphology and look for at the flow Again, try concentrating on the sounds you're producing. Comparing lines by speaking them out loud is a good way to compare.

It's the crippled anteater tongue
sifting through Limbo's nimble subtlety.

The ciphered dance of a bee.
The wing swing in my honey cavity.

I like the description here.

We could sink down in tar pits,
call it a quick dip, never come up for air--
and if we hold hands, melt our lips in a kiss,
share a face, it'll end that way.

We could whistle about walls in a labyrinth
but what is escape worth?

I can tell you put some time into these last two. Give it some time, then look over how editing the punctuation may help.

Overall, very nice piece, I really enjoyed. Hope it helps.

Crit for crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=825258 << First version, I see where I want to edit but I'll change it on my second revise after crit.