#1
When blinded by my tears,
The world will be a blurry image
The numbing cold will preserve me
Though no sign of life will be evident

I'll be in a coma
My emotions will torture me
They'll get just close enough
For me to see
But not touch
Never again will I truly feel.

Stay with me one moment longer
Let us laugh one last laugh
And share one last glance
I'll soak it in,
And make it last.
I won't let the clock tick away
So carelessly, so cruely

The one feeling I cannot live without
Is becoming ash
It won't slip through my fingers,
But the wind will carry it away.

My love,
Take me with you,
I'll leave it all behind
You are my light,
Don't leave me in the dark.


Impact? Imagery? Suggestions? Constructive criticism only please.
#2
When blinded by my tears,
The world will be a blurry image
The numbing cold will preserve me
Though no sign of life will be evident
I like the imagery you use in this verse. However, I would get rid of "numbing". It might be only me, but I find the word numb to be cliche.

I'll be in a coma
My emotions will torture me
They'll get just close enough
For me to see
But not touch
Never again will I truly feel.
The second and last lines are too dramatic and kind of cheesy. The first line is good, but the rest kind of disappoints.
Stay with me one moment longer
Let us laugh one last laugh
And share one last glance
I'll soak it in,
And make it last.
I won't let the clock tick away
So carelessly, so cruely
I liked this verse, but the last two lines kind of threw it off, especially the clock part. I understand the metaphor, but I don't think it fits here. However, the first two lines were solid.

The one feeling I cannot live without
Is becoming ash
It won't slip through my fingers,
But the wind will carry it away.
I loved this stanza, however, I would make a slight change to the first two lines, just to help with the flow. "The one I can't live without/Is turning into ash".

My love,
Take me with you,
I'll leave it all behind
You are my light,
Don't leave me in the dark.
I don't think "My love" is necessary. Also I would switch the last two lines and add a an "only" before "light".



Anyways, this was a solid piece, but I would like to see more imagery. I enjoyed reading it, however, and would like to see more from you.

Crit mine please
Hunting in Bretana