#1
Okay, so today in my health class we had to write a poem about the "role model" in our lives. I don't really have one so i just made one up, but it's kind of centered around my dad. So basically this is a poem (it might be made into a song) for the role model or role model that you never had in your life. As always, C4C. Just leave me the name or link and i will get to you A.S.A.P.

The One:

Pools of blue
underneath graying grass
that sways in the wind.
Glowing radiation
coming from every inch of skin
illuminates the area.
Six steps up,
It's without wonder
that you are the one.
Hearing the tunes
sung by good old Frank
you and only you come into sight.
As I watch that sphere on the diamond
leave the site of those twelve lit inches
with you sitting next to me,
It's without wonder
that you are the one.
An envelope of warmth
surrounding you
touches everyone in sight.
Harm is a mix
of zero and nothing
in your vicinity.
Visions of the problems
surrounding everyday life
are scared away
by hope and wonder.
When you are around,
It's without wonder
that you are the one.

P.S. Yes, I know there are a few cliche parts. It's all I could think of in 45 minutes lol.
#2
As a poem it's quite good. You might want to break it up into spereate stanzas, 'cause right now it's kind of one long thing.

"It's without wonder" makes it kind of wordy, i'd change it to "it's no wonder"... but maybe you were avoiding that.

"As I watch that sphere on the diamond
leave the site of those twelve lit inches"

I love these two lines... they have a nice flow and they're really beautiful.

"Visions of the problems
surrounding everyday life
are scared away"

I like this but I don't get why this really awesome guy scares something away. ya I know it's negative what he's scaring away, but i don't think he should be scaring away anything. he can keep those problems away, but no scaring from him. just my thoughts.

song for crit in my signature. thanks and good job.
#3
For 45 minutes......it's definitely okay.
But, to be critical, i guess i'd say it lacked some solidity? Basically, it's all metaphorical content - which is a good thing.

Um....i guess i just can't really say what i'm thinking right now, so i'm just gonna leave off here: i get the feeling like this could've been alot better than what it is right now, it's good, but could be better. kinda get the same feeling on this as if i chose to smoke a light cig instead of a red. yeah, it satisfies, but dammit i'd rather have full flavor.
- make sense?

crit mine - "To Read Aloud for Anne"
#4
Thx for the great crit so far. Actually that doesn't make sense cause... uh... i dont smoke so i wouldn't know. But thx for the crit anyway.
Last edited by grevhead221 at Apr 29, 2008,