#1
my last for awhile...


The conduit of my design,
the sight of my third eye,
i don't respond to all the silence,
it makes me see the light.
The wind, it smiles,
passing gently,
thru every strand of her hair.
i cloak my envy, in times like these,
with benevolence so impaired.

The gift of re-occurring love,
these virgin thoughts aloof...
i've slipped into the gap again,
severing all my roots.
The sea is fierce,
but nudging gently,
when she decides to swim;
i murdered envy in sovereign silence,
and now without a friend.

A tethered sense to shifty feet,
with balance so adrift;
concurring all this aftershock,
a balance? What a myth!
The stupor shows,
connecting gently,
from her deep eyes to mine;
a glass of envy that was half empty,
will never be my wine.


Anne - "What was that? Sorry, I had the T.V. on, babe.."

Me - "Just something...I don't know. If anger is red, and envy is green; what color is jealousy?"

Anne - "..."
Last edited by ottoavist at Mar 20, 2008,
#2
I really liked this a lot. You have a great writing style. You know how to make the metaphor and imagery flow perfectly from one idea to the next. Really great piece.

i murdered envy in sovereign silence
that line really hit home for me. I don't know why, I just really liked it. I like the message that this brings too. Very powerful. Thanks for getting to mine, I appreciate it. Great job. Keep up the good work.
#3
Quote by ottoavist
my last for awhile...


The conduit of my design,
the sight of my third eye,
i don't respond to all the silence,
it makes me see the light.
The wind, it smiles,
passing gently,
thru every strand of her hair.
i cloak my envy, in times like these,
with benevolence so impaired.

i thought this was really solid except for 'the wind it smiles...every stand of her hair'
that description seemed a bit bland and brings the rest of the stanza down a notch.

The gift of re-occurring love,
these virgin thoughts aloof...
i've slipped into the gap again,
severing all my roots.
The sea is fierce,
but nudging gently,
when she decides to swim;
i murdered envy in sovereign silence,
and now without a friend.

you have some good ideas here but the descriptions of the sea are a little boring and don't leave much to the reader. i like the contrast you have with 'fierce' and then 'nudging gently', but fierce is a pretty boring, unimaginative adjective in my opinion.

A tethered sense to shifty feet,
with balance so adrift;
concurring all this aftershock,
a balance? What a myth!
The stupor shows,
connecting gently,
from her deep eyes to mine;
a glass of envy that was half empty,
will never be my wine.

i loved this. the flow was beautiful. you used the adjective gently in the last stanza and it would be nice if you mixed it up a bit though.

Anne - "What was that? Sorry, I had the T.V. on, babe.."

Me - "Just something...I don't know. If anger is red, and envy is green; what color is jealousy?"

Anne - "..."

ha. interesting finish. i can't say im huge on it, i mean it works, but it seems sort of like a cop out. you had such a good start that this doesn't seem to justify it.


overall this was a great piece but i think the lack of imaginative descriptions is the biggest flaw. the ending i could go either way on, it works as is but i think it could be something much greater.
8.5/10

here is mine if you could say a few words
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=817129
#4
I love it. Absolutely love it. Everything flows perfectly, I love the way you manipulate words too.
I can't really give constructive crit though, but I am just amazed with what you've written here.
♥xx♥

#5
thanx for the crits people. i don't think i'll be posting again for awhile....
#6
Great job, only things I don't like are:

thru every strand of her hair.

Wind can't really pass through hair. Also, cheesometer is pretty high there.

gently

On the 6th line in every verse. It feels pretty forced to me, especially in the 2nd verse.

Apart from that, you are God. =P
#7
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. If this is going to be your last piece for a while, i have to say you went out strong. The flow was excellent and overall I thought it was great. I especially enjoyed the ending. However, I think you should give a name to the "Me". Also I have to agree with the other posters and say that the "every strand of her hair" line was kind of cheesy. I know you could do better than that. Anyways, great job, man.
#8
While I thought the previous piece was way better, I did enjoy this quite a bit. The flow is, once again, spot on. The ending is great and some of your descriptions are great. I love how your words seem to be chosen so carefully. I loved the 'what a myth!' line.

Some lines were of less quality though. The 'gap' line didn't really do it for me, it seemed quite generic. Same goes for the 'smiling wind'.

I just read the ending again. Man, that's so good.


I just posted something called 'Oh.' Can you have a look?


Don't stop posting. I went through your threads and your new stuff is far better than your old stuff. Keep posting, please?