#1
Alright here's another one. I wrote it last night before going to bed. Thanks for critiquing. I'm not sure about the title so please suggest one.

Ill Inside

Once again I'm staring at the grate in the wall,
Wondering if the air coming out is any use at all.
Is it just another object in my space,
Or a sign, an omen that was wrongly placed?
If everything in life is to be understood,
You'd have to ask these questions and answer them for good.
Who has the time?
Who has the patience?
As I write this rhyme,
I am a patient.

"Doctor, doctor, hear my plight,
I think my mind has taken flight."
"No sir you don't understand,
These meds are just any brand."

Once again I'm staring at the frustration inside,
Wondering, if I vent it will it set it aside?
No one gives you any answers these days,
Everything is theory and all is delayed.
If you want to understand this fight,
You must be exposed to a particular sight.
But who has the time?
Who has the patients,
To do such a study
Would mean so much patience...

"Doctor, doctor, hear my plight,
I think my mind has taken flight."
"No sir you don't understand,
These meds are just any brand."


I hope you see the poke at western medicine .
Last edited by GuitarPierre at Apr 21, 2008,
#3
Holy crap! This is just my style! Great plays on words, great rhyming scheme, good rhythm, and a message, as well!

Let me do a verse-by-verse critique.

Ill Inside


Once again I'm staring at the grate in the wall,
Wondering if the air coming out is any use at all.
Is it just another object in my space,
Or a sign, an omen that was wrongly placed?
If everything in life is to be understood,
You'd have to ask the question and answer them for good.
Who has the time?
Who has the patience?
As I write this rhyme,
I am a patient.

Good start to any story - "once again"
Lines 5 and 6 - maybe my favorite in the song, but could use a better transition into them
Good closing to the verse, as well


"Doctor, doctor, hear my plight,
I think my mind has taken flight."
"No sir you don't understand,
These meds are just any brand."

Perfect chorus. I like the omission of "He said" or "She said" - makes it move faster. And I love the theme "my mind has taken flight."


Once again I'm staring at the frustration inside,
Wondering, if I vent it will it set it aside?
No one gives you any answers these days,
Everything is theory and all is delayed.
If you want to understand this fight,
You must be exposed to a particular sight.
But who has the time?
Who has the patients,
To do such a study
Would mean so much patience...

I really like how you have parallel paragraph structure: "Once again, I'm staring...", "Wondering...vent...?". Great followup verse. Only thing I can find to pick on is line 2 - I feel it has one too many 'it's in it, makes it confusing what you're referring to.


"Doctor, doctor, hear my plight,
I think my mind has taken flight."
"No sir you don't understand,
These meds are just any brand."

My only suggestion for the second chorus would be to vary it slightly - just to give a feeling of change throughout the song. However, this could be done musically rather than lyrically, of course. And I'm only giving you something to think about.

Overall, very good, I liked it. Keep up the good work, Pierre.

Edit: I like the title - Ill Inside - although you may try the play on words "Ill Insight" :P.
"There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character." - Maddox
Last edited by Oddpod11 at Apr 5, 2008,
#4
hey dude, not going to over crit but just point out the bit that i really liked.

"If everything in life is to be understood,
You'd have to ask the question and answer them for good."

Very simple, and a also thought provocative.

Good job !
#6
Your A Fag
Im Gunna Burn Your House Down

And Put Dog **** In You Pillow Case

Hey Emo Go Cut Your Rist's

Amd Piss In Your Parents Car


And Take A **** On Your Parents Window And Turn The Windshiekd Wiper On

Thats What This Song Makes Me Wanna Do

How About You Make Good Music In Stead Of ****
#7
Thanks all for your replies, except for herby (you might as well go live in a hole, for all I care). I'm gonna record this as soon as I get my recording equipment, and I'll have it up on my myspace. If you were wondering what style it would be in, it'll be a sort of acoustic reggae/ska feel with funk and blues influences.

Oh, and moderators, could you deal with that last post?
#8
As I write this rhyme,
I am a patient.

I don't like this line at all, I think the readers would understand that. It would do better without.
I have to go, I'll crit more later, I like the theme.
#9
I think you could maybe use some more colorful words in places, but mainly I liked this.
We're only strays.