#1
I guess this has an interesting story. Since high school I have kept notebooks containing my flashes of inspiration..lyrical or musical. Apparently the very first page of one notebook (which hasn't filled completely yet) I wrote the first verse of this poem and half of the first line of the second verse. For some reason I dropped it after then. Well anyway last week I read it and decided to finish...let me know what you guys out there think. Thanks RobB

Solitary friendship in a desert so vast,
The sky and the sand the word and the glass,
Ingesting and then secreting the mood and emotion,
Of a time and a place a birth-date out of grasp.

In the rocks and the lizards of the present and past,
The wind and erosion the time and its mass,
Shedding then skinning the sun's endless devotion,
Of a word and a feeling not a voice but a rasp.

Below the dunes lies the ocean and an old sailor's mast,
The stars and the distance the oasis and grass,
Peeling then trimming the fats of revolution,
Of a memory and face of a final last gasp.
#2
Solitary friendship in a desert so vast,
The sky and the sand the word and the glass,
Ingesting and then secreting the mood and emotion,
Of a time and a place a birth-date out of grasp.

i really like the ryhme pattern you have here doesnt feel forced at all it flows VERY smoothly

In the rocks and the lizards of the present and past,
The wind and erosion the time and its mass,
Shedding then skinning the sun's endless devotion,
Of a word and a feeling not a voice but a rasp.

once again nice rhyme pattern smooth not forced very metaphorical i like it alot so far. i also do not see anythin you should improve yet

Below the dunes lies the ocean and an old sailor's mast,
The stars and the distance the oasis and grass,
Peeling then trimming the fats of revolution,
Of a memory and face of a final last gasp.

you wrapped everything together very nicely the whole thing was nice and smooth it never felt like you were forcing the rhymes all in all i think its great!

have you put any chords to it yet?
pardon me... do you have any grey poupon?
#3
Quote by kurtpage


Solitary friendship in a desert so vast,
The sky and the sand the word and the glass,
Ingesting and then secreting the mood and emotion,
Of a time and a place a birth-date out of grasp.

This being the first verse I've ever read from you, I was pleasantly surprised... usually when I read someone "new's" first piece, its pretty rough. That said, I still have a few qualms. You've way overused 'and' in this set. Its used so often to tie ideas together that we, as readers, begin to become lost in the nonsense of what is linked and what is unlinked. Also, thought I liked the rhymes as they don't seem to forced, you made this so wordy that the actual flow and rhyme scheme are lost on us. I mean, there is no way to read the last line and make it seem smooth and poetic. It trips all over itself trying to make some sort of point, but getting lost in 'ands' and half ideas. This stanza, and piece as a whole, begs for punctuation to help guide its flow and poeticism. On to word choice. I hated, with an extreme passion, the ingesting and secreting. Those are very ugly and unpoetic words and they stick out like a sorority girl at a truck stop. Beyond that, I don't feel you expanded enough upon the "solitary friendship" idea nor why its being found in a "desert" to really justify the image. Sure, it gives a nice Artsy and poetic feel... but meaning is lacking because we as readers look at this and go, "Where did the desert come from? and why is the friendship solitary? Is there no one else there? Is there a bunch of douche bags there and only one worth befriending? Is this just a metaphor?" etc...

In the rocks and the lizards of the present and past,
The wind and erosion the time and its mass,
Shedding then skinning the sun's endless devotion,
Of a word and a feeling not a voice but a rasp.

Starts out very promising... love the idea there. You lost me at mass. Who's mass? times mass? does time have mass? the only thing it could relate to is the rock metaphor... which... well... is confusing. Here, the rhyme seems a bit forced... like you went with mass to complete the rhyme while sacraficing content. Lines 3 and 4 sort of dipped into nonsensical imagery to me... seems like you are stretching for an image... but sort of constructing and image with next to no meaning in relation to everything. I mean, its connected... sun and dry throat... but at the same time... what are we as a reader supposed to be taking from this? so far it seems like a piece of poetry that is trying so hard to be poetic and deep that it has missed delivering its message. Might just be me though.

Below the dunes lies the ocean and an old sailor's mast,
The stars and the distance the oasis and grass,
Peeling then trimming the fats of revolution,
Of a memory and face of a final last gasp.

This was much better. Only thing is, the first line relates in pretty much no way to anything else in the entire piece. Line 2, I'd re-write as: "the stars in the distance, the oasis and grass." Again, lines 1 and 2 seem like they are trying to construct some sort of image... but you don't really use the image you've built. You move on right away... see below... I'll finish this thought there as it applies to the whole piece.


the whole piece sort of put me off. I believe there are a couple main reasons for this:

a) It seemed like it was trying to hard... it read nicely... but it still felt unnatural... like the person who was writing it felt uncomfortable writing it... it didn't just ooze out, if that makes sense. Forgive my over use of ellipsies... I'm tired. Anyways, it just didn't have that natural feel that most great poetry has.

b) This entire piece was built around half-images that were built, but then not used. You build these pictures... such as the sunken ship, the desert, the oasis, etc... but then you abandon them. Its like you are building the piece up and then instead of using what you've built you just go ahead and say your message plainly instead of using the tool you've built to tell the story. To explain, lets look at a simple similie:

Basically, its like you spent a bunch of time building a nice, beautiful, detailed house... and then you decide to just sleep outside instead of using the thing you've built. Throughout the entire piece you spend half of each stanza building up some truly well built images and ideas... and instead of using the other lines to connect the ideas together and make a well-thought out and connected piece... you just went ahead and throughout more random ideas and didn't connect next to anything together. It isn't pleasant to read in that sense. It was too disconnected for the reader to take anything out of, and not plain enough to tell a story the reader can appreciate.

c) Punctuate... we're taking the time to read your poetry... make it flow to its best ability and give us a guide on how to read it.


I hope that all makes sense. Please don't take this as me being an ass... just me trying to help you grow as a writer. Any questions, feel free to PM me.

If you could return comments and critiques on Jack Cuervo in my sig, I'd appreciate it.

-zC