#1
i wrote this a few months back on a napkin in a diner and forgot all about it until i found it in my dresser this morning. it's about my gradual destruction, i figured i could post it. i think i might add more to it, idk. it feels finished to me.


I know a man who keeps elephant hearts in old jam jars.
There is always a tea kettle whistling somewhere in his house
but he pretends not to hear as he is playing with his tusks
and cleaning out his ears.
He frolics about in pleading overalls,
arguing with cue tips,
struggling with consciousness.
I watched him dissolve into coffee grounds
and fill the lapels of my frowzy coat with
spoiled sinews and recycled caffeine
on a day kind of like today;


I always just assumed he was crazy,
he's never done anything to prove me otherwise.
Last edited by rushmore at Mar 21, 2008,
#2
spoiled sinews and recycled caffeine
? - nice.

i could agree with what you said about adding to it, er, maybe not even that. i kinda feel like you got caught up in "a circle of metaphors?" Seems like the piece was trotting toward overstimulation after "consciousness," but you pulled it off pretty slick.

it's a good concept though, there's a bit of dark humor laced within. it has alot of potential, so don't discard this one.
#4
Personally, I don't think you need the last two lines at the bottom...I think it ends fine without it, especially for your typical 'diner napkin' piece. I am not sure if this is a man I would really want to meet, but if this is your inner alter ego or something, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I would just have to grab one of those tusks for self defense though.

my latest:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=814630
#5
haha thanks streetcarp and everyone else. its bj if i remember?
its more of an exaggeration of myself, im not that ridiculous.
ill get to yours after work tonight.
#7
First off, thanks for the crit. I enjoyed reading this piece, and I thought it flowed well. I liked all the imagery you employed. I just have a few suggestions. I thought the "cleaning his ears" line could be ommited. The content fits in with the piece, but the way that line is presented it feels kind of tacked on. Also, I don't think the "jam" before "jars" is necessary. And I don't like the word "frowzy". It's just something about the way it sounds. (Yeah, I know I'm nitpicking there). Anyways, nice job, man.
#9
Dude, great metaphor, i would never have thought of the title to blend in so perfect with the song

the imagery you used to describe yourself as an elephant was great! When you talk about your destruction, it really shows in the poem, you seem to be spiraling downward.

Beautiful man, i would love to see more

if you have time please crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=815431
and yes read the whole intro as well
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
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Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper