#1
I'll try c-4-c, but like I said in my last thread, school is insane at the moment.


29/03

When the moon nests between the uppermost branches of a dying oak tree in the church courtyard, it casts a thin light into a shattered window frame where a portrait of Jesus used to be. By some small miracle, if caught at just the right moment, you can see dozens of stretched out, doll-sized fingerprints pressed up against the small frame of glass just below the tinted mesh which separates the priest and his confession box from the children who attend Sunday Mass.
There is something so misleadingly beautiful about the idea of such innocence separated from their God by an inch or so of recycled beer bottle.

‘Would you like to get nearer to the Lord, my child?’ A wrought smile.
‘Yes, but my…’ an awkward blend of a swallow and a cough. A timorous fiddling of milky-white hands.
‘Hush, hush. Don’t be afraid, dear boy, I promise I won’t hurt you. I would never hurt you.’

In the minutes between the point where each pair of faithless parents impatiently slam through radio stations and static, and the point where each skipping child bounds out of the cathedral doors to greet them, if timed perfectly, one can catch a glimpse of a child of God getting closer to his Lord than he ever could have wanted. With the sun beaming through a shattered window frame where a portrait of Jesus used to be, the inch or so of recycled beer bottle separating God’s greatest miracle and His soothsayer is removed. Replacing it, the stuttering up-and-down motion of an outstretched hand, and pale, naked legs. There is something so misleadingly innocent about the idea of such beauty wanting to get closer to God.
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#2
When the moon nests between the uppermost branches of a dying oak tree in the church courtyard, it casts a thin light into a shattered window frame where a portrait of Jesus used to be. By some small miracle, if caught at just the right moment, you can see dozens of stretched out, doll-sized fingerprints pressed up against the small frame of glass just below the tinted mesh which separates the priest and his confession box from the children who attend Sunday Mass.
There is something so misleadingly beautiful about the idea of such innocence separated from their God by an inch or so of recycled beer bottle.
I didn't get the portrait part until I got to the last part of the piece. I thought it could be incorporated in a bit better, so it wouldn't stand out so awkwardly at the beginning of the piece without the connotation. It was very descriptive, just a bit vacant of emotion, which I can't say about the latter part of the piece, but perhaps you meant it to be like that.

‘Would you like to get nearer to the Lord, my child?’ A wrought smile.
‘Yes, but my…’ an awkward blend of a swallow and a cough. A timorous fiddling of milky-white hands.
‘Hush, hush. Don’t be afraid, dear boy, I promise I won’t hurt you. I would never hurt you.’
I thought this part was the weakest. Again, without the full connotation it felt completely alien, and I thought could have been done better. Just a bit creepy as well. I think you need to make the dialogue a bit more believable, and not just to serve the piece as a whole.

In the minutes between the point where each pair of faithless parents impatiently slam through radio stations and static, and the point where each skipping child bounds out of the cathedral doors to greet them, if timed perfectly, one can catch a glimpse of a child of God getting closer to his Lord than he ever could have wanted. With the sun beaming through a shattered window frame where a portrait of Jesus used to be, the inch or so of recycled beer bottle separating God’s greatest miracle and His soothsayer is removed. Replacing it, the stuttering up-and-down motion of an outstretched hand, and pale, naked legs. There is something so misleadingly innocent about the idea of such beauty wanting to get closer to God.
No doubt this was the strongest part of the piece, everything came together, and you incorporated bits from the previous parts. It worked well, but it did feel like everything else paled against it. The ending was quite strong, but I thought you could have mellowed it a bit more after the last line.
This is not a pipe
#3
Quote by Snowblind 911
I'll try c-4-c, but like I said in my last thread, school is insane at the moment.


29/03

When the moon nests between the uppermost branches of a dying oak tree in the church courtyard, it casts a thin light into a shattered window frame where a portrait of Jesus used to be. By some small miracle, if caught at just the right moment, you can see dozens of stretched out, doll-sized fingerprints pressed up against the small frame of glass just below the tinted mesh which separates the priest and his confession box from the children who attend Sunday Mass.
There is something so misleadingly beautiful about the idea of such innocence separated from their God by an inch or so of recycled beer bottle.
i agree with carmel about that vacant emotion thing, i think you should incorporate the style of the last two lines into the rest.

‘Would you like to get nearer to the Lord, my child?’ A wrought smile.
‘Yes, but my…’ an awkward blend of a swallow and a cough. A timorous fiddling of milky-white hands.
‘Hush, hush. Don’t be afraid, dear boy, I promise I won’t hurt you. I would never hurt you.’
i liked this part until the last sentence.

In the minutes between the point where each pair of faithless parents impatiently slam through radio stations and static, and the point where each skipping child bounds out of the cathedral doors to greet them, if timed perfectly, one can catch a glimpse of a child of God getting closer to his Lord than he ever could have wanted. With the sun beaming through a shattered window frame where a portrait of Jesus used to be, the inch or so of recycled beer bottle separating God’s greatest miracle and His soothsayer is removed. Replacing it, the stuttering up-and-down motion of an outstretched hand, and pale, naked legs. There is something so misleadingly innocent about the idea of such beauty wanting to get closer to God.
i completely agree with what carmel said.

sorry for the crappy crit, carmel pretty much got everything.
#4
good underlying creation of vibes of disgust with a nice top layer of nearly straightforward, but slightly masked blunt truth. i enjoyed it with an evil smile