#1
Young love.

You're the best person I could hope for,
My boat when I'm lost at sea.
It's probably just the hormones talking,
But darling you're so good for me.

Forget about the others,
And all the problems they pose.
It's just you and me, girl.
My one red rose.

We can take it easy.
'Cos we're still young.
We've got all the time in the world, hon'.
So hear out my song.

We're perfect together.
I think I hear the bells chime.
But even if we don't make it,
We had a heck of a time.

I can't quite believe this.
It's too good to be true.
But for what it's worth,
I love you!

Wrote this for the easter exams in english, with the subject "Young love". Didn't get a very good grade, because the teacher doesn't know how to grade poetry. He didn't tell us that 'til afterwards though. (English is my 3rd language, so punctuation and sentence structure may be off.)
My Build! The Razorbeast Could really use some help.

I am always right. and if I am always right, my first statement about always being right, by simple logic, must be true, thus proving that I am always right. dependency loops rule.
#2
punctuation and sentence structure may be off

You're lying there, I can't fault it grammatically.

A touch on the cheesy side of things, but mostly good stuff.

I really don't like the last line in the 2nd stanza, the rhyming feels pretty forced to me, but seriously, I don't know what your teacher's moaning about. It's not incredible, but I couldn't outdo it given a rubbishy subject like that.

I like the consistent messages throughout the poem, though. A lot of people tend to jump between subjects all over the place. You enforce your point throughout.

I'd give it about a solid 7, maybe 8/10.
#3
I'm sorry, but I have a strong deprecation for these kind of poems. The language is way too direct and very overused. I'm sure that most of these lines have been used thousand and thousand of times. Your metaphores are also very clichéd. For example, "My boat when I'm lost at sea" or "It's just you and me, girl/My one red rose". Do not use metaphores like these. Try to make up more personal ones instead, that will make the reader feel like he/she is really trying to read your poem, and not something that you've heard from somewhere else.

It doesn't really seem like you want to express anything genuine in this poem, either. I just think you should try to add more into it. Basically, what it seems you are trying to say is "Umm, yeah, I kind of love you". Not very interesting at all, to be honest.

Sorry for the harsh criticism, but I think you need to rethink what you've done here and rewrite it. As for the subject "young love" you could have written abut something completetly else. You wouldn't even have to write about a girl-boy relationship. You could have written about love for something else. Love for life, love for music, love for... well, whatever. Love is a subjective word, and doesn't necessarily have to mean a relationship. Just a thought.

Once again, sorry if I came off as harsh. I'm really just honest and trying to help and I hope you understand that too.
#4
Cheesy... Well I was feeling kind of sappy/in love that day.

And believe me. The only reason i stayed on subject all the way, is because we have a teacher who only cares about how well something fits into a given subject.

thanks for the pretty positive crit mopmaster!


Ok...

As for the clichés: it was 8:15 in the morning, and i was hardly even awake. i needed a place to start, and those two bits, along with a few others were the first two that i thought of. I almost ditched the whole first stanza because of that line, but i didn't because i didn't want to make the poem too short.

It really isn't meant to be a deep thinking philosophic poem :P. Just a sappy one that i without thinking promised my girlfriend i would write if i got a subject relating to love in any way, shape or form. ( I ended up writing two actually, but the other one is in faroese, so noone on here would understand it. )

The subject was pretty clearly defined as love between two young people, even going as far as having the lyrics of some 70's lovesong as an example. :/

And thanks for the crit. A crit shouldn't always be too nice, even though those are good as well. I hadn't thought about rewriting parts of it, but i might do that.
My Build! The Razorbeast Could really use some help.

I am always right. and if I am always right, my first statement about always being right, by simple logic, must be true, thus proving that I am always right. dependency loops rule.
#5
man this is good stuff...all these people are always on here anylyzing people's lyrics to try to find something bad....but im sure if you read this or sang it to people they would be amazed
#6
lol i really like it man. but yeah, trackmind is right about the overused, direct use of words.

But still. It's cheezy and i love it! lol

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix