#1
c4c, yup i'll do it just leave ur song name or a link

Point me towards the sky and i'll lie next to u
eyes fixed on the clouds and trees and birds around
this is such a quiet place
u haven't made a sound
but i guess its better that way, cuz i haven't that much to left to say

here laying next to u
feet and head planted firmly in the dirt
i writhe in pain feeling the hurt u had to endure

[core-us]
it feels like so long
we have to w8 untill the end
just to give up our bodies
and on our souls depend
to point us toward the sky!
and send us to sleep in flames
w/no one to blame but us

but its so quiet now
i start to wonder how, it'll feel when i finally go
i reach out for ur hand
caked in blood and dirt
and shudder as
the pain and hurt wash over me
and make me feel what i made u endure

repeat [core-us]


no one to blame me
all of the blame lies w/u
in a shallow crowed space
inside a shallow calloused guy
who figured the only way to make things stop was if he made them die
Just because I play the drums doesn't mean I suck at guitar, or ams that I's iz stoopidz.


Space that ain't yours
#2
quite a nice piece overall, here are a couple things to make it better...

the structure. i don't get it. all your verses are different lengths. the first one has a 5 line stanza followed by a little 3 line stanza. the second one is a 7-line stanza and the third a 5 line stanza. I think you should try to have three even-length verses.

the little 3-line stanza at the end of the first verse. it's a bit too much of a repetition of the first stanza. i think you could totally scratch it 'cause it brings the quality of the verse down.

"i start to wonder how," - take the comma out after how

"and shudder as" - feels like a unfinished line. i think you could add something to it and keep it as a transition to the next line. it really breaks the flow. or you could make it one line by adding to the start of the next line so you have one line going "and shudder as the pain and hurt...". i dunno how that would work with the melody if you already have one, but it's a suggestion.

i love the last line, and the last stanza. i think you could make it a touch longer so it matches the length of the second verse.

there, that's my crit, hope it helps. oh, and my songs to crit in signature.
Last edited by GuitarPierre at Mar 23, 2008,
#3
Quote by majonior

Hi, I'm gonna be fairly harsh, its meant entirely to help you grow as a writer not as a personal attack. Let's begin.

Point me towards the sky and i'll lie next to u
eyes fixed on the clouds and trees and birds around
this is such a quiet place
u haven't made a sound
but i guess its better that way, cuz i haven't that much to left to say

Well, there's a lot to work on here. First, if you want anyone to take you even remotely serious, write "you" out. Otherwise, almost everyone is going to dismiss you as "too immature to write anything worth reading." Now that that is out of the way, lets focus on some of the main problems here. This entire stanza is completely dependent upon cliche. "The sky" "haven't made a sound" "a quite place"; all of these are stereotypical of "love/breakup" songs. If you want to write something that people aren't going to dismiss as "the normal" you are going to have to be more original and interesting than these boring images. Beyond that, you've used such flagrantly obvious rhymes that, though it does flow well, it seems stale. In a way it seems like you have sacraficed content in order to make it rhyme. Rhyme isn't that important, and you can flow without rhyming... consider these options in your next pieces.

here laying next to u
feet and head planted firmly in the dirt
i writhe in pain feeling the hurt u had to endure

I'd break the last line into two, breaking at "you." Again, the idea of cliche lines/ideas and stale meanings comes up. I can't help but feel I've read/heard this song hundreds of times before... just written in different words by different people.

[core-us]
it feels like so long
we have to w8 untill the end
just to give up our bodies
and on our souls depend
to point us toward the sky!
and send us to sleep in flames
w/no one to blame but us

The middle 3 lines make next to no sense. I could figure it out, but it took a while, which really takes away from what little message this piece actually had going... because I spent most of my time deciphering it. Again, your lack of "typing things out" makes this piece seem so much more childish than it is...

but its so quiet now
i start to wonder how, it'll feel when i finally go
i reach out for ur hand
caked in blood and dirt
and shudder as
the pain and hurt wash over me
and make me feel what i made u endure

Where did the blood and dirt come from? You haven't explained anything up to this point... you haven't given us a character to really deal with, you haven't explained any situations, you haven't given us, as readers, anything that really makes us want to read on. Instead we have a half-assed idea about a breakup (maybe) or people being together... and apparently one of them has a bloody hand and is hurt for some reason? You seem to be talking circles around your point... and covering very little.

repeat [core-us]


no one to blame me
all of the blame lies w/u
in a shallow crowed space
inside a shallow calloused guy
who figured the only way to make things stop was if he made them die

Finally, some sort of content... and all of it is in the last line. This is easily the best part of this song/poem, but its still weak. See below for more.


So here's the deal, this piece was very un-engaging and generally boring. You have some talent, as you did manage to lace in some emotion here and there... but you killed whatever raw talent you had with poor execution. So here are some main points to work on:

A) Write out your words. If you want to be taken even remotely seriously and not dismissed as juvenile.

B) Drop the cliches... write something original and new. Fresh will always be better than using stale and overused ideas over again to construct an image. the way you presented this reminded me of so many cheesy and bad 80/90's relationship songs that I couldn't even really focus on what you were saying.

C) Put some inteligible content to your piece. This piece was so lost in itself that it never really got to a point until the last line, adn even then that point was weak. If you want to wrtite something that is going to be striking to everyone and enjoyable to everyone (and not just you who knows the story behind it) you are going to have to give more details and information. this seemed like a bunch of loosely related images strewn together with weak filler. If you want to create something that will have an impact, you are going to have to give the reader more "meaning" to work with than one line at the end of the piece.

sorry this was so harsh, but sometimes its the only way to grow is to be told what was wrong with your past performance. Hope this helps.

If you want to, Jack Cuervo in my sig could use a bump and some more comments. Any questions about my critique, feel free to PM me. And KEEP WRITING. You've got some talent, just learn to use it.

-zC
#4
thanks for the crits guys just got a question, I seriously shouldn't say you? You is like a staple word in every song I hear what should I replace it with?
Just because I play the drums doesn't mean I suck at guitar, or ams that I's iz stoopidz.


Space that ain't yours