#1
I'm being spent as an old man.
It takes a crane to lift me from the floor.
Never got anything I wanted.
Speak but the words come out slanted.
I want to trade in this brain for something less half-wit.
I want music so big that even cathedrals can't hold it.
I want to exchange this tongue for the sharpest of quips.
I want to be a bat-shit crazy method actor who's every line of
dialogue draws blood from the actress, and no line is wasted.

I went downhill fast and there are people why cry over me.
I have no friends - Just extensions of my body.
They cut, I bleed.
They're stricken with gangrene and my heart rots away from
it's veins and appendages.
It takes a special person to crash and burn as a writer in only two years.
But here I sit:
Out if humor, out of clever wordplay and out of wit.
A man, his limp cock and Kessler whiskey,
crying over a lost love and praying for a church sermon to be held in his honor
to curse him and the family he put in the ground.
Poor advice.
#2
Best I've read from you in a while. Extraoardinarily honest. And thats the way my favorite pieces from you are. I either love or hate your stuff, this is the kind I love. It makes me hurt to enjoy this though, because of how hard it must be to live this shit.
#5
I must say, that last part (starting at 'here I sit) is just excellent I love it.
Its very personal and honest as bluesybilly said, and I don't think other people, like me for instance, should tell you everything that we think is wrong with it(because of it being a personal piece). The only thing I would maybe say is this part:
"They're stricken with gangrene and my heart rots away from
it's veins and appendages."

change to this maybe

"They're stricken with gangrene and my heart rots away
away from it's veins and appendages."
But thats just me.

Its personal, its good, I like it, and yeah, life's a bitch man.
You have no idea how thankful I am for mine being, although not great, not extremely half that bad. I just hope it stays that way.
Great piece.

you may say something about my piece if you like? (the newest in my sig)
Ferocious mumbles
Last edited by Some other guy at Mar 23, 2008,
#6
Meh, this didn't strike me well. I've re-read it at least 5 times... and I still can't get into it. So I'll go through a few points I think are making me not enjoy it.

A) it just felt forced. It probably wasn't, but as I was reading it I couldn't help but get the feeling you had to try really damn hard to write this. Not try hard as in "force yourself to write personal truths" but as in try hard to make this interesting... try hard to paint a scene, try hard to make this read right... and it gave a vibe that I didn't like.

and B) The **** line. Normally, I'm all for shock value and over the top lines that give another level of depth to your piece because it not only strikes the readers emotions but also their morality and ethical senses... however here it felt unnatural. It felt like the line was only there to make the reader gasp and didn't really fit into the greater scheme of things. It just made the whole line, which could have had a great impact, feel stale and hollow... so when I got there (and was alread on edge because of the "forced tone") it really sold to me that I didn't enjoy this piece.

guess that's it. Sorry, I'm not a fan.

-zC
#7
"Out if humor"
Of, I think.


<3
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
I normally leave your pieces confused and slightly saddened/disturbed.

This... just...

brought tears to my eyes. This is this most accessible thing I've ever read from you. It's completely gorgeous.

I can't praise you enough. I'd love to read more stuff like this.

Oh, and -

'why cry over me.' 'why' - who?
Plus the 'if' think already mentioned.

I can't flaw this.
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