Poll: How Do You Like It?
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View poll results: How Do You Like It?
Good
1 50%
Average
1 50%
Needs A Lot Of Work
0 0%
Sucks
0 0%
Voters: 2.
#1
Thought I loved a girl
Thought I had a band
The girl took me for a swirl
And the band ran

Maybe I was left
Maybe I was hurt
I was used
Then I was burnt
Oh yeah! I was burnt

Now do you see
What you have done to me
You’ve caused me all this grief
All this pain
Look at me
Can’t you see I’m in vain

I tried so hard
To make this last
Now that I look
It’s all in the past

As for the band
That was my life
Now that I look
Its all in the past

Maybe I was left
Maybe I was hurt
I was used
Then I was burnt
Oh yeah! I was burnt

“Its better to burn out then fade out.”-Kurt Cobain


anyone have any suggestions to make this song better?
#2
Yeah, on that 2nd last row when you say "Then I was burnt", say only "I was burnt" so that it would be:
"Maybe I was left
Maybe I was hurt
I was used
I was burnt
Oh yeah! I was burnt"

The text itself was good. I wish I was able to write like that.
Quote by A Certain Death
my mum is a retard
#3
its all just kind of empty. you're saying something that has basically been said in different formats by lots of people, and you aren't really giving it anything new. but hey, that can be said for a lot of things. however, more pressingly, the writing is just very dull. its just a very plain description of some events. there's nothing to engage a reader or listener. there's no interesting image, there's no interesting use of language. it just sits there and says something, but what its saying isn't all that interesting, and the way it says it isn't either.

when you're writing, really think about it. when someone reads it or hears it, are they going to get to the end and feel they got something out of it? are they going to have read something that contains a new or interesting idea, are they going to have encountered an image or description that is especially engaging or powerful? with this, i didn't get anything out of it. its self indulgent in the sense that the only person who finds it rewarding is the writer. try and make it rewarding for the reader. that doesn't even mean playing to what the reader likes or expects either, it mean giving them something they haven't already read done better, whether they like the writing or not. with this, i didn't enjoy it and it didn't do anything that i haven't seen done better many times before.

don't be put off by what i say, keep writing, but try to really think about the end product and creating something interesting, rather than on merely getting down on paper a description of events; most of the world doesn't care what has happened to you, but some of the people who read your writing might do if you describe it in an interesting way.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#4
the short phrases are going to be hard to work with, unless this is like a punk song with short riffs

either way, its deffinatly better than i can do