#1
Hey guys. C4C.

I need a drink

She's trapped between clouds and lakes,
sitting on an upside down set of stairs,
watching misguided cars drift by
all those pathetic, lonely stars.
Oh, how I wish she was here
so she could see how clean she looks.

She's sitting on a plane
waiting for a goodnight kiss
from this boy who lives
a few houses down the street.
And while she waits,
she slowly drinks her beer,
holding a sign that reads
"Poems for sale"

And just as she takes another sip
her dreams all reappear
with a blind face that screams
"Oh dear, what are you doing here?
Do you know what time it is?"
Then the sun falls,
then it rises again,
then I realize its friday
and I still dont know her name.
#2
I want to love this, I really do. Its extremely poetic, and the wording is beautiful. However, I didn't get anything out of it, it seemed to me like you were writing pretty just to prove you can imo. It seemed to have no meaning behind it other than to look good. And that definately succeeded. You're using all these metaphores that seem to me to have absolutely no meaning behind them. Its like they are there just to be there, ya know?

I'm really sorry for being such a dick, but thats just my opinion.

Everyone probably disagrees with me though, if that makes it less harsh
#3
Quote by bluesybilly
I want to love this, I really do. Its extremely poetic, and the wording is beautiful. However, I didn't get anything out of it, it seemed to me like you were writing pretty just to prove you can imo. It seemed to have no meaning behind it other than to look good. And that definately succeeded. You're using all these metaphores that seem to me to have absolutely no meaning behind them. Its like they are there just to be there, ya know?

I'm really sorry for being such a dick, but thats just my opinion.

Everyone probably disagrees with me though, if that makes it less harsh



Nah man, it does have a meaning, but I guess theres some filler material here and there
I get what you mean though, Ill probably just save it for future ideas/lines.
Thanks for the crit, I already returned the favor.
#5
well this is way above my skill level but thats not saying much. i liked how i could follow the story, with most poems i read on here they throw in a bunch of big words in every line so people will think they are smart. its not that i cant understsnd big words but i get bored reading phony poetry. the second stanza is my favorite the last three lines make everything fit.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=819762
#6
Quote by cubs


She's trapped between clouds and lakes,
sitting on an upside down set of stairs,
watching misguided cars drift by
all those pathetic, lonely stars.
Oh, how I wish she was here
so she could see how clean she looks.

This is a very confusing first stanza, but it automatically hookered me in. It sounds meaningful, and I especially love the first four lines. But it really doesn't seem to have meaning when I think about it. Overall, though, great intro.

She's sitting on a plane
waiting for a goodnight kiss
from this boy who lives
a few houses down the street.
And while she waits,
she slowly drinks her beer,
holding a sign that reads
"Poems for sale"

This is interesting, as it seems to explain some of it, or at least to me. It seems like it's saying that all you need for poems is deep sounding lyrics, and that she knows that she can earn money by writing about meaningless things that sound like they DO have meaning. If that makes any sense. Which it probably doesn't. Anyways, slightly less good than the first stanza.

And just as she takes another sip
her dreams all reappear
with a blind face that screams
"Oh dear, what are you doing here?
Do you know what time it is?"
Then the sun falls,
then it rises again,
then I realize its friday
and I still dont know her name.

I really like how it says "her dreams all reappear" - it just emphasizes the surreal setting the poem broadcasts. But the rest makes absolutely no sense, which might be intentional.



Overall, not quite sure what the meaning is, but I definitely do like it. In my opinion, the first stanza is the best one. Keep up the good work. ^^

Crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=819949
#7
She's trapped between clouds and lakes,
sitting on an upside down set of stairs,
watching misguided cars drift by
all those pathetic, lonely stars.
Oh, how I wish she was here
so she could see how clean she looks.

interesting start, i like the upside down set of stairs an interesting image, the last two lines dont make sense to me though.. doesn't seem to relate to the rest of the stanza?

She's sitting on a plane
waiting for a goodnight kiss
from this boy who lives
a few houses down the street.
And while she waits,
she slowly drinks her beer,
holding a sign that reads
"Poems for sale"

lol interesting little stanza. nothing really to say..

And just as she takes another sip
her dreams all reappear
with a blind face that screams
"Oh dear, what are you doing here?
Do you know what time it is?"
Then the sun falls,
then it rises again,
then I realize its friday
and I still dont know her name.

intresting closing. it's a pretty good closer, raps up the story. i realy dont like the fifth line though, it doesnt seem to fit very well in the piece as a whole maybe omit that part?.

erm.. overall ig uess it was pretty good. some parts i was a bit indiffrent. but over all not bad.. keep writing.. good luck. take a look at mine? int he signiture
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#11
@ heavyairship - Yeah I get what you're saying, some people just use big words for the sake of it, I personally dont like it, but to each his own. I like using words that most people can understand, that way the piece is open to more people, not just people who have a thesaurus on their desk. Dont get me wrong theres nothing wrong with big words, its just that some people just use them for the sake of it, thinking it makes them sound inteligent, to each his own though.

@ punkforlife - Glad, you got that from it. Its not exactly what I had in mind, but I was sort of going for a similar idea.

@ me needs help - I sort of agree with you on the fifth line of the last stanza, it leaves an odd number of line, which sort of cuts the flow. Ill probably omit it, though im still not sure.

@ abshihek (sp?) and Zanascross - Thanks, Ill be waiting

@ Bittertwisted - I agree with you on the title, I just couldnt come up with anything. Can you be more detailed with your crit? What did you like? What didnt you like, I dont know.

Thanks for the crits guys, Ill be checking out for pieces later tonight or probably tomorrow after school, Im a bit busy with my schools science fair (Everyone had to take part in it), I hope thats okay with ya, Ill will get to them though.
#12
Eh, I'm with Billy. This is beautiful, and I want so badly to fall in love with it and proclaim it great... but at the same time, this just seems like a bunch of non-sensical images to me. I mean, I took something out of it to an extent... but at the same time it struck me in much the same way as most "modern" art... it made me feel like it was wasted talent... like you could have used what you have built to truly express something and made that something beautiful and epic... but instead you made something that is so personal and "abstract" that the person on the outside can't make much from it.

I can't offer much in the way of word choice or technique... what you have is class. All I can offer is what I said above and my praise for your writing style and the image you constructed.

Thanks for getting to mine. Sorry I wasn't more detailed... there isn't much I can help here.

-zC
#13
'Grats on WotW.

I like this. I'm still trying to figure it out though. The first stanza does have real meaning right?
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#16
Quote by cubs
Hey guys. C4C.

I need a drink

She's trapped between clouds and lakes,
sitting on an upside down set of stairs,
watching misguided cars drift by
all those pathetic, lonely stars.
Oh, how I wish she was here
so she could see how clean she looks.

very strong way to start, i don't particularly enjoy the last three lines but there isn't anything really wrong with it.

She's sitting on a plane
waiting for a goodnight kiss
from this boy who lives
a few houses down the street.
And while she waits,
she slowly drinks her beer,
holding a sign that reads
"Poems for sale"

well done on this stanza, nothing wrong with it.

And just as she takes another sip
her dreams all reappear
with a blind face that screams
"Oh dear, what are you doing here?
Do you know what time it is?"
Then the sun falls,
then it rises again,
then I realize its friday
and I still dont know her name.

a brilliant way to end a brilliant piece.

i didn't really say much as i'm terribly tired and i can't find much wrong with it.

if you could:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=827169
#17
too much going on with very little holding it all together. Each individual stanza was nice in of itself but on a whole it tasted like borche (sp?) or some other mixture of too many overpowering ingredients.
#18
Wow! I wasnt expecting wotw, thanks guys!


Quote by Snowblind 911
'Grats on WotW.

I like this. I'm still trying to figure it out though. The first stanza does have real meaning right?


Yeah, it does have a meaning. But dont try analizing it line by line, not every line has some deep oscure metaphor behind it, its just the overal impression it gives
Dont know if you understand, try reading it a few more times and youll probably get the basic idea, if you dont, ill try my best to explain it later

TV party, ill get to your piece tomorrow, thanks for the crit!

#1 synth, I know what you mean, i always have trouble organizing my ideas, im working on it though

btw, how do wotws get elected? im curios

Once again, thanks everyone.
Last edited by cubs at Apr 3, 2008,