#1
Yea, I would love to meet your boyfriend,
He’s probably some half-wit dick,
That thinks he’s better than me.
I wish me and him were the only ones,
That know he’s right.

That’s when she hangs up.
That’s when I call myself names,
Write in my journal and shit like that.
It’s barely a journal,
It’s more like an empty notebook,
Highlighted with late night pen marathons.
I wish you kept one,
So I wouldn’t be the only person,
Putting you down in history as a whore.

I drew three lines in the snow,
Did them one at a time,
I got cold,
And I got high.
I’m still young,
Theirs still time.
That’s what I said to myself,
As I walked home in a mist I didn’t notice till now.

She told me desperation wasn’t attractive,
I never wished I was Kurt Cobain more,
Than right now.
#3
Hey man, I think I owe you a crit

Quote by bluesybilly
Yea, I would love to meet your boyfriend,
He’s probably some half-wit dick,
That thinks he’s better than me.
I wish me and him were the only ones,
That know he’s right.

I like this, good start, the last lines were confusing though, maybe thats what you were going for?

That’s when she hangs up.
That’s when I call myself names,
Write in my journal and shit like that.
It’s barely a journal,
It’s more like an empty notebook,
Highlighted with late night pen marathons.
I wish you kept one,
So I wouldn’t be the only person,
Putting you down in history as a whore.

I didn't like how you used shit, it seemed unnecessary in this context, also the last line seems a bit childish, I dunno, thats probably just me. Everything else is perfect, I loved the late night pen marathons part, I love that style of writing. Good job on this verse.

I drew three lines in the snow,
Did them one at a time,
I got cold,
And I got high.
I’m still young,
Theirs still time.
That’s what I said to myself,
As I walked home in a mist I didn’t notice till now.

Not much to say here, really.

She told me desperation wasn’t attractive,
I never wished I was Kurt Cobain more,
Than right now.

I'm not really sure what to think of the ending, it seems like kurt cobain just pops out of nowhere and doesn't fit with the rest of the piece, but the message is there, which is good. I would get rid of "right" in the last line, its not really needed, imo.



Nice piece, overall, message is clear. Good job.
#5
Quote by bluesybilly
Yea, I would love to meet your boyfriend,
He’s probably some half-wit dick,
That thinks he’s better than me.
I wish me and him were the only ones,
That know he’s right.

Meh, this was a fairly bland opening. I mean, I liked the opening lines... but after that it just crashed and burned... I can assume you know that already though. I mean, you start out with the personal and sarcastic tone... and generally an amusing idea, but then you drop to cliche, "I'm pissed off and ready to fight" lines. Plus, the last two lines don't even make sense... You haven't introduced enough character or substance to leave an open ended idea like that and expect us to connect the dots.

That’s when she hangs up.
That’s when I call myself names,
Write in my journal and shit like that.
It’s barely a journal,
It’s more like an empty notebook,
Highlighted with late night pen marathons.
I wish you kept one,
So I wouldn’t be the only person,
Putting you down in history as a whore.

This stanza sucked. I'll just go ahead and be blunt about it. There were two or three brilliant lines and the rest was stank of "filler." I guess I could accept the last 3 lines... because of the final line which was absolute tongue in cheek gold. Other than that though, this read a bit like a middle school rant about how the girl you like doesn't like you bad. "she hangs up, I call myself names, I write in my journal, expletive." Re-write it... sell this stanza and make it solid... the idea is there, but right now it is completely ruined.

I drew three lines in the snow,
Did them one at a time,
I got cold,
And I got high.
I’m still young,
Theirs still time.
That’s what I said to myself,
As I walked home in a mist I didn’t notice till now.

No idea what the lines in the snow are about other than a rhyme... it seemed unrelated and generally uninteresting. I love the flow in this part up through time. Drop the last two lines... they're awful, and completely ruin the flow tha tthis part has. EDIT: Got the coke reference now. So, that makes sense... I still say drop the last two. Also it's "there's"

She told me desperation wasn’t attractive,
I never wished I was Kurt Cobain more,
Than right now.

Meh, hated this. Seemed like it was just a build-up to the name drop... which honestly didn't do much for me. I'd drop this too.


to be completely honest, I was really uninterested in this. You had some neat ideas spread throughout the piece, but the good to filler ratio was so low that it was almost not worth reading. I'd love to see you take a new angel on this and salvage the good parts (you know what they are) and re-write that bad parts. I'm 99% sure you knew this was weak when you posted it... you are too good of a writer and have too much of your own style to not realize you are treading on thin ice here. Thus, I say don't edit this... start over. You can make this wonderful.

I'll PM you a link to the next one when I post it... should be in a couple days.

-zC
#6
yes I agree with you Zach.

I guess I just wanted to see if I could get away with it yet. (like Randy can haha )

however, I dont see how the last lines of the first stanza are confusing to anyone. I know their not good but I don't think they are confusing either. Then again I wrote it. I'll explain it because I don't want to confuse anyone.
Her boyfriend thinks he's better than him.
"I wish me and him were the only ones,
that know he's right."
The boyfriend is better than him. Make sense?

probably not, but thats ok anyways.
#8
haha nope nothing deeper. sorry to dissapoint.
But hey I figure every idea is cliche, since every person on the face of the earth thinks, so I'm sure their are alot of overlaps.