#1
Just a song I wrote a few nights ago. Damn women.


Do you like that?
Do you enjoy the sting of tears?
Do you love how it feels
to have a broken heart,
and will you pray that God will heal?

I'd give it all.
I'll give my world for you.
I'll give you every damn note
out of my guitar,
and play until the night is through

But I know,
I know that times can change,
Please don't go,
and leave me all alone
(this is a slower melodic part)

[Chorus]
If i give it all,
i'd watch myself fall
Find love in the words
"Its not meant at all"
Hear echoes in my head
of everything you've said.
Lie awake at night
until my dreams are dead.

Yes I love it.
I love that burning
in my soul.
Love never sleeping, only
lying down and praying that
I may find my role

There's no more.
No more for you,
Nothing left to take
Nothing more to break
Don't cry, its over soon.

And we know,
Know that its through.
So just go,
Take my life with you

[Chorus]
If i give it all,
i'd watch myself fall
Find love in the words
"Its not meant at all"
Hear echoes in my head
of everything you've said.
Lie awake at night
until my dreams are dead.

As for now, i'll drown my sorrow
And hopes that should never be,
Learn to settle for second best,
Cuz thats the best i'll ever be.


Hope you enjoyed! Crit4Crit!
-D
#3
I thought it was good. Would make a decent punk song as it would a metal song or a rock song.
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Quote by Anonden
You CAN play anything with anything....but some guitars sound right for some things, and not for others. Single coils sound retarded for metal, though those who are apeshit about harpsichord probably beg to differ.
#4
If you haven't read the PM i sent you please do so now, thanks, its not nice to bump threads.

Okay, you ask a bit too much questions in the first verse, but you still(barely) tell us what the whole thing is about. There is a lot of space to improve here, use a few adjectives, adverbs or maybe just a few 'not so normal word'. Like you can maybe like change 'broken' to 'shattered', get what i mean? Make it more interesting

'ill give you every damn note out of my guitar' Good line but again, your very straight foreword, which is a good thing but not if you do it in every single line.

The 3rd verse is good, I can imagine it would fit greatly in a slower melodious part of a song and used as a good intro before a chorus.

Im going to say the same thing about the rest of the piece. So im not going to just repeat myself again. Your chorus could also be improved upon.

Im now going to tell you what they said to me at the beginning: Use some alliteration, some metaphors and personification and those kind of things to make it more 'poety' more meaningful. Color it in a bit using things like that, don't use rhyme unless you really good in every line (you didn't by the way, just in the chorus, and it made is a bit predicting and dullish). This piece is something that came from you heart, its personal, thats a good thing, I see you have talent.

At this time your just writing plain old good songs to maybe sing to some friend and such. You can do a lot of improvement because this is a good piece, way better than I was when I started, Im still ****ty but I've improved a little tiny bit(i just write to get my head clear and because i enjoy it). The key is to keep writing, read some pieces on here, some are really good and inspiring. Good luck and I hope to see some more pieces of you in the future.

Hope that made sense
Ferocious mumbles
Last edited by Some other guy at Mar 23, 2008,
#5
Sounds good to me. Obviously came from the heart.
I have to disagree with oneblackened though ( only slightly ).
I dont think these lyrics would fit with most metal. Maybe a power ballad, but nothing heavy. The idea could, but it would need a couple touches to make it metal-suited.
Rock/punk/pop you name it, Im sure it'll be just fine.

Good Job.