#1
AND I FOREIGN EYE.

scarfed around my neck, light
post, lamp
post, sailed a breath to keep
away the starved, we never
leave the sea, we never
saw it anyway. open mouths
drink the open air, we stick
to our stink like it stuck to our
ribs, post-modern mad-libs,
never (verb) when we can (verb)
(noun) take my (noun) when we
(noun) we will (adjective) (verb) in
(place).

Can not become another.
Take full fold, a blessed blanket
rest quiet, we salt the bleeding
wound that seeps through, bottle neck
legs twist around each like
vines, to dilute, to excuse, we
break bread like we
have sex. I leave the boat to
sink my own, a hard pill to
crawl through for an awful word
to become vicious with.

Companionship.

Arms here now, never held
through speech patterns
garble, drown, we loosen our
tongues to spill the milk of our
lungs, never let the dead die
full, suck their stomach for each
passage or line, a picket to creep
we croon to my deluge of siren
speak, she'll never know I tell myself,
she'll never know, and so we place
expletives where the sunrise should
be, fuck shit cock fuck shit dick cock fuck
ass pussy fuck shit cock ass dick bitch shit
cock pussy fuck shit ass fuck....

Oh it's the afternoon.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Mar 23, 2008,
#2
I don't have a lot to say about this. I really liked it. Definitely one of your best as of late in my opinion.
#3
Your broken lines leaves an impression, altough I don't think you pulled is perfectly off every time, thus making it a bit of a broken read, but you succeeded for most part of it very well. But I must say I don't really like the way those lines are put.

I like the last part of you first verse, interestingly done, congrats.

The second verse starts very good, good alliteration in second line. Then I read on, I find a great emphasized lonely line, I read on and on and then... What?

Sorry but you lost me at the end, I don't know what you tried to do but you've overly done it, making is more useless and making it lose its place in the piece. It felt like, I don't know.

"oh its afternoon", then its good again, puts a good piece of humor to the whole piece especially to the last part.

Well, I've seen better pieces from you, sorry. Or maybe I just got it all wrong
Ferocious mumbles
#5
scarfed around my neck, light
post, lamp
post, sailed a breath to keep
away the starved, we never
leave the sea, we never
saw it anyway. open mouths
drink the open air, we stick
to our stink like it stuck to our
ribs, post-modern ad-libs,
never (verb) when we can (verb)
(noun) take my (noun) when we
(noun) we will (adjective) (verb) in
(place).
Incredible opener. The "mad-lib" stuff was quite brilliant. One of your creative peaks if I may say so myself.

Can not become another.
Take full fold, a blessed blanket
rest quiet, we salt the bleeding
wound that seeps through, bottle neck
legs twist around each like
vines, to dilute, to excuse, we
break bread like we
have sex. I leave the boat to
sink my own, a hard pill to
crawl through for an awful word
to become vicious with.
This is all very....Cedric Bixler, but ATDi era, not his Volta bullshit.

Companionship.

Arms here now, never held
through speech patterns
garble, drown, we loosen our
tongues to spill the milk of our
lungs, never let the dead die
full, suck their stomach for each
passage or line, a picket to creep
we croon to my deluge of siren
speak, she'll never know I tell myself,
she'll never know, and so we place
expletives where the sunrise should
be, **** **** **** **** **** dick **** ****
ass pussy **** **** **** ass dick bitch ****
**** pussy **** **** ass ****....
Much of the same from the last stanza, but you know I'm a sucker for fucks and cocks and pussies, so this stanza was like finding a $20 bill in the wash.

Oh it's the afternoon.

Good, good stuff, amigo. I have one up. Do what you want with it
Poor advice.
#7
I see you've resurrected the "and hi, foreign I" line in one of your earlier pieces somewhat. Don't have much to say, typical brilliance.
#8
I didn't like it.

Part of it was because the piece seemed a bit arrogant when it can have those few lines in it and then act like it was being poetic with it.

I, like Randy, was quite blown away by the innovative first stanza.

But the rest for me was disappointing. You went from something exciting to something I don't much desire in poetry. Maybe I didn't catch a great strong ending, either.

Eh. If you could fit that first stanza into a better piece, it'd be gold.