#1
heres a song i wrote for a girl...it hurts every time i sing it

When I fell in love with you,
Didn’t know what lied ahead
Time gave me hope and time took it away
And all the words you said
About together forever
It’s only getting better
Weren’t a lie
But denial killed and so tonight I die
In your twinge of love

Chorus
How could you just leave me here girl
Its true love that you desert
For you I gave up this world
And all I got is hurt
So tonight I fall and tonight I die
In your twinge of love

So blinded by emotions
You just failed to see
The promises you made and those you broke
Pierced right through me
Those tempting smiles
Those lost eyes
Could never be a lie
But denial killed and so tonight I die
In your twinge of love

Bridge[/U]
Standing all alone; where are you girl
Lost in the pride and hatred of this selfish world
I need you now more than ever
You and me forever and ever
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: is it me or others crazy?
#2
When I fell in love with you,
Didn’t know what lied ahead
Time gave me hope and time took it away
And all the words you said
About together forever
It’s only getting better
Weren’t a lie
But denial killed and so tonight I die
In your twinge of love

it's lay not lied i think, line three seems too long for the rest of the stanza maybe take out and and make a new line form time took it away. denial killed and so tonight i die? i dont get that denial killed. once again the second to last line seems too long

Chorus
How could you just leave me here girl
Its true love that you desert
For you I gave up this world
And all I got is hurt
So tonight I fall and tonight I die
In your twinge of love

umm this is ok? very emotional i guess giving up the world. seems a bit cliche tho, true love seems overated LOl but thats jsut me, not a comment to the piece just thought i'd say XD

So blinded by emotions
You just failed to see
The promises you made and those you broke
Pierced right through me
Those tempting smiles
Those lost eyes
Could never be a lie
But denial killed and so tonight I die
In your twinge of love

blinded by emotions, seems cliche again, sorry to keep brining that up. split up 3rd line once again much longer then the rest, breaks flow. interesting repetition of the last 2 lines

Bridge
Standing all alone; where are you girl
Lost in the pride and hatred of this selfish world
I need you now more than ever
You and me forever and ever

intresting bridge

over all this isnt bad, decent flow i guess. you had a solid theme you stuck too. seemed a bit cliche, and perhaps could express, and fix those line issues? seems so broekn when you have one line longer then the rest. over all tho not bad.. crit mine? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#3
Hey thanks for the comment...
it's lay not lied i think- ur rite. i noticed da error 4got 2 correct it before posting ..my bad
As far as the lines being longer da same in both verses goes with the melody...i don thinkl dats a problem i actually thot twas more poetic...
thanks for the comment again
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: is it me or others crazy?