#1
This song is still unfinished. This is only the chorus, so please tell me how it is, and what I can improve in it.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED!

Oh, everywhere that I go
Singin' in her light
And every place that I know
I'm under the spotlight
And all the feelings we show
Well darlin' it's all right

All feedback is very much appreciated. Thanks in advance everyone!
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A good friend will help you up when you fall.
A best friend will just laugh and trip you again.
#3
Quote by black-sabbath
sounds like something axl rose would write. good job


thanks very much!
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(='.'=)
(")_(") = 100% Awesome

A good friend will help you up when you fall.
A best friend will just laugh and trip you again.
#4
bump
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(='.'=)
(")_(") = 100% Awesome

A good friend will help you up when you fall.
A best friend will just laugh and trip you again.
#5
I like it, but it's hard to really give you any constructive criticism when all that's there is a chorus. Have you managed to write any more of it? Myself, I'd get rid of the "Oh" and two "And's" from the beginning of their respective lines, I prefer to keep lines shorter, and those words aren't really necessary, as your main poin, as it were, is still put across.

How's that pal? I'd really appreciate it if you could return the crit on my latest piece, "Our Everlasting Gaze".

Here's the link, hope you enjoy it!

Our Everlasting Gaze
#6
Quote by TobyFellrunners
I like it, but it's hard to really give you any constructive criticism when all that's there is a chorus. Have you managed to write any more of it? Myself, I'd get rid of the "Oh" and two "And's" from the beginning of their respective lines, I prefer to keep lines shorter, and those words aren't really necessary, as your main poin, as it were, is still put across.

How's that pal? I'd really appreciate it if you could return the crit on my latest piece, "Our Everlasting Gaze".

Here's the link, hope you enjoy it!

Our Everlasting Gaze


No I haven't managed to write anymore. I've been busy...and those "Ands" and "Oh" were only added in there so it could fit the melody I put to it.

I'll have a look at your song...
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(='.'=)
(")_(") = 100% Awesome

A good friend will help you up when you fall.
A best friend will just laugh and trip you again.
#8
Ya we'll see. I posted a reply on your thread.
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(") = 100% Awesome

A good friend will help you up when you fall.
A best friend will just laugh and trip you again.
#9
bump
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(") = 100% Awesome

A good friend will help you up when you fall.
A best friend will just laugh and trip you again.
#11
Oh, everywhere that I go
Singin' in her light
And every place that I know
I'm under the spotlight
And all the feelings we show
Well darlin' it's all right

dont use light 2 times.. i kno it's spotlight but still it's.. not cool, nor classy. good rhymin on the go know show. it's.. ok i mean not phenomenal but it's definitely satisfactory. and next time DONT BUMP... ITS NOT COOL. just go crit sum1 and they better crit back.. and give it a decnet crit not sum half ass crit liek 4 words and put C4C down.. like heavyship it's rediclous and it pisses me off.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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