#1
Rusty doors hung off their filthy fucking hinges and
fingernails were never cut.
The dogs and cats ran wild, starving and ready to develop a taste for
any blood that could bleed from something that held meat.
The animals coughed and shook and spazzed out because money was
"city-folk shit" so no one ever had any of it, because apparently
that God-blessed yokel work was good for just the soul and nothing else
worth reaching out and touching, smelling and tasting.

And when the gophers came in the Spring, holes would be dug and
feet upon feet of pipeline would be placed into them and gas and
oil and other liquids would be shoved into the ground by the father's, who had
become Gopher Poisoning Robots.
The gophers would climb to the surface, gasping and moaning, and the starving
dogs and cats would pick up their limp bodies in their jaws and
feast behind miles of electric fence and they would become Gopher Eating Units.
The sons and daughters would take shovels and sticks to the remaining rodents
and bash their fucking brains out, and these children would
become Gopher Killing Androids.

To see it in full Spring heat, painted on a dirt canvas:
A state-approved Bible certified orgy of gopher killing and pipelines
and starving animals gnawing at doped up rodent flesh.
"Join in."
"No thanks. Why don't you guys go and fuck some livestock
while you're at it?"
Almost everything on Earth has it's own little special place in Hell.
Poor advice.
#2
21 reads and no comments? c'mon, people.


I always love reading your stuff. This is awesome.

The bit about the "state-approved Bible..." was my favorite.


Keep it up, man. Definately keep it up.
#5
You know, usually I have nothing against swearing in poetry (I liked it a lot when it's effective), but the first line just kind of put me off. To me, the "fucking" in the just seemed to be there simply for the reason of having a curse word. It just felt very contrieved with that line, which is kind of lame. Apart from that, I liked this.

Ehhh, lame crit. You really don't have to, but if you feel like it, my latest piece is in my sig.
#6
Rusty doors hung off their filthy fucking hinges and
fingernails were never cut.
The dogs and cats ran wild, starving and ready to develop a taste for
any blood that could bleed from something that held meat.
The animals coughed and shook and spazzed out because money was
"city-folk shit" so no one ever had any of it, because apparently
that God-blessed yokel work was good for just the soul and nothing else
worth reaching out and touching, smelling and tasting.

first line-i don't like "fucking" in that context. i think it weighs down the content.
second line- instead of "ready to develop" i'd say "developing" or without develop at all. just say "starving with a taste for...". it's rather wordy.
third line-it's awkward phrasing. "blood that could bleed".
fourth line-great
fifth line-take out the "because" and start a new sentence with "apparently".
sixth line-remove "just" because "just for the soul and nothing else" is redundant.
seventh line-you can't reach out and touch or smell or taste a soul, so i'd remove "else".

And when the gophers came in the Spring, holes would be dug and
feet upon feet of pipeline would be placed into them and gas and
oil and other liquids would be shoved into the ground by the father's, who had
become Gopher Poisoning Robots.
The gophers would climb to the surface, gasping and moaning, and the starving
dogs and cats would pick up their limp bodies in their jaws and
feast behind miles of electric fence and they would become Gopher Eating Units.
The sons and daughters would take shovels and sticks to the remaining rodents
and bash their fucking brains out, and these children would
become Gopher Killing Androids.

first line-"when the gophers cam in the spring" i think one of the two "the"'s should be removed.
second line-"foot upon foot" no?
third line-i didn't like "and other liquids"
fourth line- good
fifth line-repetition of "their" doesn't sit well with me.
sixth line-good
seventh line-good
eighth line-good (the "fucking" is good here because it depicts the sons and daughters standpoint.)


To see it in full Spring heat, painted on a dirt canvas:
A state-approved Bible certified orgy of gopher killing and pipelines
and starving animals gnawing at doped up rodent flesh.
"Join in."
"No thanks. Why don't you guys go and fuck some livestock
while you're at it?"
Almost everything on Earth has it's own little special place in Hell.

no complaints.


sorry about all that syntactic hoo-haw.


most of it was classic stelluh. but the difference between this and your more brilliant pieces (aside from the fact that this was less satirical, relied less on a specific occurrence and more on a setting) was how sloppy it was. and i know it's in keeping with your big 9th-inning-grand-slam-oh-my-fucking-god endings, but the writing is still typically wonderful until the end. this one didn't give the same feeling that you just sat down and typed and out came the most perfect things possible.

and speaking of endings, this one WASN'T as grand-slam. it WAS very good, but didn't create quite the impact as they usually do. i think it's because your character didn't talk until the very end.
#7
Ha, actually, alot of the grammatical stuff and awkward phrases were intended to be so. The touch, taste, smell line wasn't refering to a soul, and the "developing" line was intended just as such. I know it reads weird, but coming from the author, it was the most reasonable way of saying it.

Feet upon feet is also intentional. I was going for a certain type of language with this that I think is only recognizable to me in the context, so maybe that was the problem.

Thanks for the grammatical fixins' though.
Poor advice.