#1
recordings on my profile, crit for crit

This tension keeps on building
this clock keeps counting down
I've got my whole world on my shoulders
I gotta get out of this town
working for the rat race
keep the roof above my head
its increasingly apparent
we're dead we just dont know it yet

I'm mesmorised, captivated
caught in the trap of self mutilation
idolising, advocating
necking it back-my self medication

this is my self annihilation

I'm not after explanations
I'll give the blame a miss
I'm only after ignorance
coz ignorance is bliss
I'll gladly take the bottle
keep my proficiencies vague
coz with knowledge comes resentment
this is the easiest way

I'm mesmorised, captivated
caught in the trap of self mutilation
idolising, advocating
necking it back-my self medication

this is my self annihilation
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#6
In my head, it has a great rhythm to it, although mine might be different than the one you made with it. Creative word choice is definatly not absent here. You seem to have chosen just the right words. Anyways, for crit 4 crit, crit Justify The Means, it's in my sig.
#7
there were a couple lines that didn't really go with the rhythm of the melody, but otherwise a solid piece. i really liked the chorus, it has a nice drive and ring to it.

last line of first stanza, keep my proficiencies vague, and last line of second verse i found didn't quite work. i think it's just a question of syllables, or even how you sang it.

as i said, otherwise it's a nice piece.

crit in sig (you have a choice).
#8
hey, like I said there is an mp3 on my profile of this so you can hear the rythmn for it, thanks for all the crits, mucho appreciato! As for the problem of "wordy" words, the words are all appropriate and common words...I dont see a problem.

Will get to everyones stuff when i get in from work
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#10
Quote by mukkey


for the love of all that is green MAKE IT LESS ANNOYING!!!

also sounds a bit rushed.



Well thanks for your constructive criticism there. I'll just have to add some of that "less annoying" herb into the next mix. Perhaps if you told me what parts of the recording in particular you found annoying I could either work on or disregard them depending on the validity of your opinion. As it stands you've been unhelpful and rather annoying yourself.

also, its meant to sound rushed, although, I prefer chaotic. Po-tay-to / po-tar-to

“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk