#1
alright, here we go again.

firstly, special thanks to nightraven for bothering to comment on my original attempt at this.

secondly, C4C. as usual. post your links please. i'm not too good at critique, but what the hay.

finally, here's the song.


---------------------------
A Vacant Smile


that empty look in your eyes
as i sing you lullabies
under the twilight sky


staring across the lake
what are the shape that your dreams take
do i even have a part to play


but i don't even care

(chorus)
cause when we kiss all i taste is
sweet saccharine
only i feel the ice beneath your
tender skin

and those empty brown eyes
are they worth my while
but i'm still here entranced
by your vacant smile


as you turn away
always the right words you'll say
we both know you don't mean them anyway

and when you turn to go
hug me now and hold me close
i know that you're miles away

but i don't even care


(chorus)
cause when we kiss all i taste is
sweet saccharine
only i feel the ice beneath your
tender skin

and those empty brown eyes
are they worth my while
but i'm still here entranced
by your vacant smile


(bridge - sung quickly)
and out there they're all saying that
we two will last forever
but then all i know for sure
is that we'll never be together
cause this love that we now have is
just like a one way street
to me you'd be worth all the stars
to you i'm just some meat

but i don't even care


(chorus)
cause when we kiss all i taste is
sweet saccharine
only i feel the ice beneath your
tender skin

and those empty brown eyes
are they worth my while
but i'm still here entranced
by your vacant smile


thanks in advance. you can find the original lyrics here:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=795703
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#2
Definitely better than the original, I just checked em.

Probably not my favourite type of lyrics. Hmm.

At the end of the whole prose, the phrase that stuck with me was 'sweet saccharine'. Mainly because of its powerful contrast with the next lines in the chorus. Which is really what draws us in the best songs. Contrast.

Entranced by your vacant smile, in comparison, is slightly weak. Which bothers me because you derived the title from those lines.

Anyway, good try. I rather like it. Probably could be stronger, but you probably would be better moving on and trying out more styles.
#4
Context wise this is good, just punctuate so you can have a real flow of the song in your head, ESPICIALLY for the readers. Content wise this was a bit cliche and you did use of cliche vocab and metaphors(?) didn't help either.

But if the song works for you ignore what i just said and just have a look at 'Albert Street' instead :d
#6
havent got time to give it a full crit, so I'll come back. I wasnt keen on this, its not particularly interesting, the rythmn appears to be erratic in parts (though maybe I'm reading it from the wrong perspective) and there are some fairly weak rhymes. It's not bad but not something I'd really be interested in.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#7
Hey, well most things above I agree with, except for damn-right's comments above, or some of the things he's mentioned. although the whole thing wasn't particularly interesting I'd say that your chorus is great, I really liked it, good use of words, something new for this kind of topic.
So the thing that I don't agree with damn-right is the rhymes, you really don't have to use rhymes to make a good song, it mostly just ruins a song if you cant do it properly or don't use it in an interesting way. So I would worry too much about that.
Punctuation is really helpful for the people who crit your piece, you now how the rhythm goes but not us, so it reads choppy sometimes.

Mmm, so I think this could be a great song, the chorus is my favorite part and yeah, well done. I like it.

sorry for taking so long to crit you back
Ferocious mumbles