#1
((The first one broke rules that I hadn't read. I apologize, and now I have read them, and this one shouldn't be breaking any rules at all. ))

These are some lyrics I wrote when I was bored in Algebra II. It's my first lyrics I'm posting here. Tell me what you think.


I’m falling apart inside, I’m tripping over the air
I put my sense aside, never knew that I’d be ensnared
And I have overestimated myself as I was sent crashing to the ground
I was searching for questions without answers, I was looking for something that can’t be found...

I’d never (even think of hurting you)
I’d never (cause you still mean everything to me)
I’d never (put myself before you)
I’ll never (dream of your face again)

No I never did anything to you to make you hate me like you do
Or do you hate me? Do you love me? Seems I’ll never know the truth
And I am trapped in my own mind, a life without you can’t be right
Let’s burn this house down, free my mind, I’ll kid myself to be alright

Seems just yesterday, you said you gave me the key to your heart
But right now the mere memory is tearing me apart
I’ll keep this memorabilia if you insist
And I’ll hold it forever close to me and let it fall across my wrists

Oh
It seems that love has jagged teeth
Teeth that can slice right through my skin
As long as you force me to breathe
You will fill my thoughts again


Cheers, mates
#2
Seems like a song that would work well for a Hip-hop rhythm/tempo for the singing over guitar, similiar to the song Step Up.
I'm confused though. Some parts sound like you're saying you love her, some times it sounds like you hate her, some times it sounds like she hates you, and some times it sounds like you're apolagizing???
Anyways, if you're doing crit 4 crit, Justify The Means, it's in my sig.
#3
Quote by herby190
Seems like a song that would work well for a Hip-hop rhythm/tempo for the singing over guitar, similiar to the song Step Up.
I'm confused though. Some parts sound like you're saying you love her, some times it sounds like you hate her, some times it sounds like she hates you, and some times it sounds like you're apolagizing???
Anyways, if you're doing crit 4 crit, Justify The Means, it's in my sig.


I actually do have a rhythm for it, but it's more along the lines of something like Aiden's "We Sleep Forever".

I am doing C4C, too, btw, and will crit yours.

Oh, and it is meant to be a sort of confusing song. It's basically about someone who falls in love with someone else who gives them empty promises and proclamations of love. Then they find out, and even though they know that they shouldn't love the person who caused them such pain, they mean everything to them.

I got inspiration for it from one of my friends. She'd been going out with a guy for a few months, and everyone said that she shouldn't, but she kept doing it. She was infatuated. And now she's gone sort of *coughemocough* about it, and she still loves him, despite her common sense. Not exactly what the lyrics are about, but it is where I got the inspiration from.
#4
your subject matter is common, not a bad thing but you aren't reaching out to anything new. your rhyming feels forced, but then again all rhyming is forced. i don't think the piece is exceptionally great but work at it and you could become a better writer easily.
#5
Thanks for the crit ^^
I do have better lyrics, but I'm not a very organized person, so...lost most of em ^^
But I'll dig some stuff up.

Quote by TV Party
your subject matter is common, not a bad thing but you aren't reaching out to anything new. your rhyming feels forced, but then again all rhyming is forced. i don't think the piece is exceptionally great but work at it and you could become a better writer easily.
#6
dude awesome song! would you mind if i worked with it and added guitar? and possibly used it? (if i ever became famous i would give you credit)

pm me with an answer

~Carrik_Caser~
#8
Quote by punkforlife93
((The first one broke rules that I hadn't read. I apologize, and now I have read them, and this one shouldn't be breaking any rules at all. ))

These are some lyrics I wrote when I was bored in Algebra II. It's my first lyrics I'm posting here. Tell me what you think.


I’m falling apart inside, I’m tripping over the air
I put my sense aside, never knew that I’d be ensnared
And I have overestimated myself as I was sent crashing to the ground
I was searching for questions without answers, I was looking for something that can’t be found...

This is a nice start, I loved the "Im tripping over air" line, I suggest working on the flow on the last 2 lines, especially on the last line, its just to long, maybe try breaking it down into 2 lines, or just change it to something short like "I was searching for answers which can't be found", but I dont know I guess it depends on the melody you have for this.

I’d never (even think of hurting you)
I’d never (cause you still mean everything to me)
I’d never (put myself before you)
I’ll never (dream of your face again)

This is confusing, you sort of imply that you love and care about her, then you say youll never dream of her, or dunno if you wanted to confuse the audience, so Im not sure what to think of this.


No I never did anything to you to make you hate me like you do
Or do you hate me? Do you love me? Seems I’ll never know the truth
And I am trapped in my own mind, a life without you can’t be right
Let’s burn this house down, free my mind, I’ll kid myself to be alright

Again, its sort of confusing how your stating that she hates you, then inmidiately after question it if its true, I guess its implying that youre confuse and dont know anything, dunno if you were going for that. The third line is really week, its cliche, try something diferent. The last line is okay, nothing wrong with it.

Seems just yesterday, you said you gave me the key to your heart
But right now the mere memory is tearing me apart
I’ll keep this memorabilia if you insist
And I’ll hold it forever close to me and let it fall across my wrists

ooh, this was nice, nothing much to say about it, maybe try improoving the flow.

Oh
It seems that love has jagged teeth
Teeth that can slice right through my skin
As long as you force me to breathe
You will fill my thoughts again

I dont really understand what youre implying here tbh

Cheers, mates


Overall, this is an okay piece, it just has a few flow problems here and there, but I definately see it working. You show potential in writing, just practice a bit more and youll be set.
#9
It's funny because I could also see this working real well over a hip hop rhythm. As for the writing, it is cliche. Not just the subject matter, because I think love will always produce some of the best songs. But some of the phrases such as the "I'd never" parts, especially the parts in parenthesis are quite cliche. "Let's burn this house down", and the reference of a "key to my heart" are very overused. I think with a little more time revising, and editing in some unique parts it could come out of it's 30-second hardened fudge shell. Just remove the clcihes, the things you hear all the time, and it will emerge as a brand new piece.

Cheers.
#10
Well, I've got a lot of comments about how its good but could be improved, so I'm going to take all of them into consideration and try to remove the cliche-ness. Thanks to everyone; I will post up a new version sometime soon.

Oh, and our band has decided to use this song. Sorry Carik_Chaser. And to TUMFP - thanks for pointing out the cliche parts; I'm still relatively new to writing. The "key to your heart" part is gonna have to stay, but I really appreciate all the other parts and agree completely.

But again, thanks to everyone for crits, and if you wouldn't mind, look at my other new piece. And I'll get to critiquing all of yours soon.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Mar 29, 2008,