#1
Another Million Miles Away

Verse 1:
Is the day still young, or is it just my mind?
As if somewhere, within a million miles
You’re painting the sky the blue of your eyes
Red roses of lips. Pink clouds of cheeks.
Sweet things abide but in the wildest dreams
A tangible feeling. A love supreme
Moonlight’s cuddling sparkles from the heaven’s doors
Perhaps a midnight tango with a heart of yours?
‘Till the morning sunshine tickles your bluesy eyes

Chorus
For every second lost, for every minute gone
For everything shattered that reality has drawn
There’s a moment to live, to love and try
A moment to believe
A moment for sweet reminiscence.

For every second lost, for every minute gone
There’s a moment of joy, there’s a moment of greatness so
Dream as if you’ll live forever; live as you’ll die today
Like you’ll cry and smile
For the last time in another million years

Verse 2
Was it your gorgeous smile that took my breath away?
Or was it your heartbeat resounding days after days?
From way up above. Or deep down below.
The curtain is drawn. I’m bold as love.
Sweet tears suffuse like the spring’s perfume.
Pertain to the mind. Detached from the eyes.
The love-struck hearts fumbling on thin ice
Just like the same old dance under that moonlight
Blurred in the sunshine of a spotless mind.

Chorus
My Spanish Hearts
#2
Quote by rx_eb


Verse 1:
Is the day still young, or is it just my mind?
As if somewhere, within a million miles
You’re painting the sky the blue of your eyes
Red roses of lips. Pink clouds of cheeks.
Sweet things abide but in the wildest dreams
A tangible feeling. A love supreme
Moonlight’s cuddling sparkles from the heaven’s doors
Perhaps a midnight tango with a heart of yours?
‘Till the morning sunshine tickles your bluesy eyes

I didn't like the rhythm this section gave me. For some reason, I could tell it flowed... and that the rhymes were there, it just still seemed to fall short of a true rhythm that I could really enjoy. Beyond that, the writing in this section irked me. You relied almost entirely on cliche... which can sometimes work... but for the most part, its going to make your song/poem feel stale and uninteresting. That is what I ran into here. As I was reading, I couldn't help but feel that you were leaving a lot to be desired because you were using overuse images to paint pictures of overused ideas. I could forgive everything if the idea had been more original, but I'm afraid that its been done 100's of times before, and been done better and in more original ways. Specifically, I hated the Moonlight line. "cuddling sparkles"? That phrase was soo... cute... that it didn't fit into the lush painting of beauty and attraction you were building.

Chorus
For every second lost, for every minute gone
For everything shattered that reality has drawn
There’s a moment to live, to love and try
A moment to believe
A moment for sweet reminiscence.

The flow was better here... let me make a few suggestions. line 2: "For every shattered thing, reality has drawn." it makes more sense and flows better. line 3: "to try." I hated your last line... it just seemed so clumsy. It didn't flow, it didn't try to rhyme, and generally it just seemed like it was trying to hard to be "deep." The first few lines felt so natural... given they weren't original or exciting, but at least they had a natural rhyme and rhythm... the last one just lost that and generally ruined what could have been an "ok" stanza.

For every second lost, for every minute gone
There’s a moment of joy, there’s a moment of greatness so
Dream as if you’ll live forever; live as you’ll die today
Like you’ll cry and smile
For the last time in another million years

Ugh. This was awful. This reeked of cliche and stale hopefulness. I've got nothing against hopeful and happy songs... but when you use this many cliches, nothing will sound good. Also, the rhythm here didn't work... I couldn't get in any sort of "groove" to make this work or flow well.

Verse 2
Was it your gorgeous smile that took my breath away?
Or was it your heartbeat resounding days after days?
From way up above. Or deep down below.
The curtain is drawn. I’m bold as love.
Sweet tears suffuse like the spring’s perfume.
Pertain to the mind. Detached from the eyes.
The love-struck hearts fumbling on thin ice
Just like the same old dance under that moonlight
Blurred in the sunshine of a spotless mind.

line 2: "day after day." I liked everything after "I'm bold as love." I'd drop everything above it... that part just seems so cliche again. The last part sounded effortless and good. You finally used some original and generally interesting images. It feels like it needs a few more lines to really draw that section to a close and make it feel complete though. Thus, I say, drop lines 1-4 and add a couple more lines to bring a little bit more closure to the flow and rhythm of this section and to complete the ideas.


As you can probably tell by now, I wasn't a huge fan. Everything but the last stanza just seemed like it was ripped from 100's of other songs and thrown together. There was nothing there to make this piece stick out from the 100 other love songs I've heard this year. Your last section though... that was class. If it were me, I'd drop everything but that section and try again... but this time not get stuck in the stereotypical images of "painting skies with eyes so blue" and whatnot. Instead, explore your creativity and express the same sentiments but in a much more personal way... something that fits your "style" more... your piece will resonate much better if it doesn't feel so stale.

Sorry if I came off as harsh, just trying to help. Please return comments or a critique on "mouses and lawnmowers" in my sig. Any questions about my comments, just PM me.

-zC
#3
^ wow damn

thats hellova good crit there. man, i think you should get a job criticizing and analyzing music.

but i kinda feel bad haha

I'm not a native speaker btw

Thanks a lot
My Spanish Hearts