#1
Not very poetic... but you get the idea. Never liked writing in verse anyways. Tear it to pieces. C4C.


---The Mouse and the Lawnmower---

Give me braille stop signs.
Give me wheelchairs with
lights, sirens and nightstick holsters.
Give me the limbless olympics
starring Larry 'no legs' as a
breast stroke champion.

I long for stories of heroism.
The good 'ol days when the
frail boy slew the dragon
and the incompetent rabbit
saved a realm of mice from
a lawnmower.

Guess I just need another Attila the Hun to
show me how good I've got it.

"It's just your point of view,
the grass is greener on the other side."

Last edited by ZanasCross at Mar 24, 2008,
#4
Quote by ZanasCross
Not very poetic... but you get the idea. Never liked writing in verse anyways. Tear it to pieces. C4C.


---The Mouse and the Lawnmower---

Give me braille stop signs.
Give me wheelchairs with
lights, sirens and nightstick holsters.
Give me the limbless olympics
starring Larry 'no legs' as a
breast stroke champion.

Hmm. Didn't really fall for this. It might just be me, but saying "give me" several times is kind of clichéd and overused. I definitely see what you are trying to do here, but as an opening stanza this just didn't do it for me. The imagery is pretty good, though and you definitely give us a clear picture of what you're trying to say although it might be one or two lines to long to keep up intrest and intensity in the poem.

I long for stories of heroism.
The good 'ol days when the
frail boy slew the dragon
and the incompetent rabbit
saved a realm of mice from
a lawnmower.

This, however, I really liked. I like how you open the stanza with a slightly poetic and slightly clichéd (which I reckon was intentional) line and then describe this children's literature/tale plot and build up a slightly nostalgic feeling which sends you back to your childhood. I've got nothing to say about this line but, good job.


"It's just your point of view,
the grass is greener on the other side."

I've had this conversation hundreds of times. When you tell people how bad your life is, and they just deny what you just said and try to convince you that your life is great. It sucks. The couplet is good, although it reads kind of so-so after the whole lawnmower thing, since they both involve grass and that gives me the feeling that you are repeating yourself, even though you aren't.


Guess I just need another Attila the Hun to
show me how good I've got it.

Didn't like this as an ending here. I think maybe you should switch places with this couplet and the one before this. That way the grass thing would come twice in a row, and you'd get a better ending in my opinion. The "it's your point of view" couplet would just fit better as an ending and when I read it I almost thought it was the end. This couplet is redundant if put here.


Well, I felt this poem was a bit so-so. I think the second stanza is brilliant and there is potential in it. You just need to take my advice and you're perfectly set.

No, seriously though. Revise it and do some changes and this could turn into a very enjoyable read. Crit mine, please?
Last edited by trackmind at Mar 24, 2008,
#6
Quote by ZanasCross


Evening beautiful. You look nice. How's your conversation?


---The Mouse and the Lawnmower---

I found it hard to get a meaningful meaning out of this. Therefore, a lot of my critique is based on cohesive and relevance of words, images and phrases. I still feel you're wandering around the hyperbole of S+L poetic syndrome city, where it's too easy to please.

Give me braille stop signs.
I like the idea of stating with an imperative. Always pulls the reader straight into the piece and works well as a beginning. Especially "give", it really addresses the reader directly. Now, braille stop signs. So, not taking this literally, you're not great at seeing ahead and you need someone/thing to remind you when to hold back? That's what I took from this. It's sharp and to the point, and I think actually a very good metaphor. So nice start, Zach. Very good line.
Give me wheelchairs with
lights, sirens and nightstick holsters.
Now I didn't like this. (this is what I referred to in my first paragraph). I mean, this image is not only extremely hard to piece together (no-one would imagine this), there is nothing concrete here for the reader to hold onto in this image. It seems silly almost, a wheelchair with lights sirens and an light stick? It's just not good. There's no clever metaphor, there's no wit or anything. There is little meaning I as a reader can take out of it. It's just... silly.
Give me the limbless olympics
starring Larry 'no legs' as a
breast stroke champion.
Same problem as above. Why you abandoned the clever idea you had at the start and continued with these flawed, uninteresting images I don't know. Unless there's something personal behind this then fair enough, but as a reader, there's nada.

I long for stories of heroism.
I liked this line. A very good statement, to the point and "heroism" is a strong word, connotes great strength and skill. "longing" I think fits it too, and gives the sentence a sort of epic feel, if you will. Made me think of Hercules, for some reason.
The good 'ol days when the
I can't see you using this phrase and pulling it off. Aren't you younger than me? We don't have good old days yet. I laughed as I read this. It's just so unreal, really. I can't find the emotion behind it.
frail boy slew the dragon
I quite liked this, "frail boy" and "dragon" are simple but show a great contrast between the two, and you back up that first sentence of longing for herosim with the dragon here (which, as I said above, was something it could make you think of). I wish maybe you had fleshed out those ideas a bit more rather than this next bit;
and the incompetent rabbit
saved a realm of mice from
a lawnmower.
Which was nowhere near as smart, as well-written or effective. It is, in my opinion, everything about your writing which I'd rather disappeared. You have great potential Zach, really, you show it in most your pieces, but I just can't see how these apparently random images show you have any care for the reader's interest in your pieces, and thus make them nowhere near as good a read as they could have. I understand some people dig pieces like them, but me, I can't get into the piece if I have nothing concrete I can hold onto. something I can relate to or something that creates emotion in me. This just doesn't feel like you think about the reader's reaction when you write.

Guess I just need another Attila the Hun to
show me how good I've got it.

"It's just your point of view,
the grass is greener on the other side."

A poor ending, I think. Like I said at the start, there was a lack of cohesiveness in the whole piece which means any ending was going to be slightly weak. You don't build this up, there's no spine to it and, once I reached this, I was feeling nothing, wasn't wondering how it would end or if there would be a twist.



I really think you can write so much better and really make the reader feel something, you always seem to have some sort of good idea but I just feel that, in all honesty, you're not well read enough to understand how important the reader is when writing a piece. You have to hold the piece together, either with images or ideas or phrasing or something, build it up throughout the piece (you can do this however short the piece is) and go towards an ending, which should in the end be making the reader feel something, sadness, joy, empathy, jealousy, laughter, anything. I couldn't even fake any emotion to the ending of this because, I didn't know what emotion to feel.

I am generally harsh but fair in my critiques, and I learnt that from, well, Dylan, Matt and Jared. I hope you don't take this personally, and that you understand it is just one persons opinion. Although I do hope you take something form it.


#7
thanks Jamie. I do appreciate the honesty, and I do take a lot from many of the points you've made... and honestly, you've nailed me on the head. I don't read outside of this site... and I have little to no interest in doing so. So, that part is very true. Obviously, I have not connected this as well as I should have... so I will try a little to explain the "randomness" and see if it makes more sense.

First Stanza: these are all things that are non-sensical, but should the exist be somewhat heroic. A blind man driving, a police officer in a wheelchair, a man with no limbs being a swimming champion... they're stories/ideas that could be inspiring or heroic.

Second Stanza: all of these are from "hero" stories that are "american Classics." Obviously the dragon one is pretty international... but hte rabbit thing is from a movie called "The Secret of Nimh" where there is a retarded rabbit that happens to save a bunch of mice from a lawnmower. The little kid movies are the good 'ol day reference as well.

As to the ending, that was from another move (can't remember the name)... and Attila the hun was considered a "hero" for his race.

I see your point about it being too "me" based though. I guess I just don't want to write for others... as I don't write to be successful, I just write to kill time.

I guess, if I do decide to read, who would you suggest I read? I might enjoy reading poetry (especially more modern) than I do reading novels... as I HATE reading novels.

-zC

EDIT:
I still feel you're wandering around the hyperbole of S+L poetic syndrome city, where it's too easy to please.


care to expand upon this? I think I know what you mean, but I want to be sure.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Mar 24, 2008,
#8
Any poetry, really. I started with a small anthology of Faber + Faber books (Seamus Heaney - death of a naturalist, Wendy Cope - Making cocoa for Kingsley Amis, T. S. Eliot - Wasteland and book of practical cats, Phillip Larkin - High Windows.) a pretty good introduction to poets.

Heck, just go on the techniques forum, there's a lot of famous poets people list.

I do find it odd how you don't read poetry yet write it, to be honest. It's like making a cake when you can't cook.



BadSantaEdit: I think you understand this when you say you don't read out of S=L. I thin kit's a trend with a lot of people who post poetry on the site.

Just a notice-out-the-corner of my eye thing.
#10
Quote by ZanasCross
Not very poetic... but you get the idea. Never liked writing in verse anyways. Tear it to pieces. C4C.


---The Mouse and the Lawnmower---

Give me braille stop signs.
Give me wheelchairs with
lights, sirens and nightstick holsters.
Give me the limbless olympics
starring Larry 'no legs' as a
breast stroke champion.

I liked the first line, this whole verse is interesting. I, personally, liked it, not much to say really.

I long for stories of heroism.
The good 'ol days when the
frail boy slew the dragon
and the incompetent rabbit
saved a realm of mice from
a lawnmower.

Ugh, I dont really like when people use dragons on their lyrics, it just reminds me of the cheesyness of power metal. I know that its probably some sort of reference, but it just puts me off. Im not sure what others think of it, I guess it could work. Other than that, nothing wrong with it.

Guess I just need another Attila the Hun to
show me how good I've got it.

"It's just your point of view,
the grass is greener on the other side."

This sort of dragged down the piece, Im not sure what to make of it, I dont know, maybe Im missing something, but I dont really see it as a strong ending, its lacking something. Its sort of plain, imo. I was expecting something more interesting.



Not bad, it just needs a better ending, imo.
Id appriciate if you could check out my piece, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=818686
#11
er... i will admit here that i did not get that at all.

and isn't the plural of mouse mice, not mouses?
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