#1

This is where I live.
This is the fortress of Albert Street.
This is the march to slavery,
through the tombs of refuge.

The king kneels by the open windows
to administrate the Empire of Wisdom;
towards the Valley of Captivity and Ignorance.

This city of strange gods was built not with bricks but with soil.
Servants of gold shall throw away his thrones
not by trickery but by disobedience.
He'll be killed and there will be nowhere for me to take him.

The prophecy is weak but
you, my friend, are unclean. Towards the garden of wilderness
shall the dog and the bird meet.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 25, 2008,
#2
Quote by Bleed Away

This is where I live.
This is the fortress of Albert Street.
This is the march to slavery,
through the tombs of refuge.

Gotta be honest, I wasn't terribly impressed with this. All in all, it was a bit bland. I mean, it wasn't bad... but it wasn't good, and since intro's are usually your strongest points, this worries me a bit. I mean, just look at your first line... see what I mean?

The king kneels by the open windows
to administrate the Empire of Wisdom;
towards the Valley of Captivity and Ignorance.

I'd take the second 'the' out of line 1. I didn't like your next two lines. The message is so coded with your terms that it sort of took away from teh poem because I spent time trying to figure out what they meant. Also, I didn't like "administrate" as a verb... it felt clumsy. That could be the American in me though. I'll leave it to you... its just my opinion.

This city of strange gods was built not with bricks but with soil.
Servants of gold shall throw away his thrones
not by trickery but by disobedience.
He'll be killed and there will be nowhere for me to take him.

I hated the double use of the "blah blah BUT blah blah" set-up. The first one was ok... but the two makes it feel clumsy. Rule of 3's, use it three times if you are going to repeat it... otherwise it doesn't feel like you meant to do it. I did like your last line though.

The prophecy is weak but
you, my friend, are unclean. Towards the garden of wilderness
shall the dog and the bird meet.

Meh, this whole last thing, in terms of content, was a put off. What prophecy? Where did a bird and dog come from? What ****ing garden? This seems like it was just put there ot be "deep." You either need to clarify more or cut it out.


Well, this reminded me a lot of the first pieces you put up here, they were too artsy and deep for their own good. As a reader I was lost in a see of half-assed images and deep unexplained metaphors. I don't feel like there was enough here for a reader to really grasp onto and be pulled into the story. Instead, we are bashed with half-ideas until we don't even really want to read anymore, because it makes us feel like we are missing something.

Sorry Fred, didn't like this one. Thanks for getting to mine, and for the kind words.

-zC