#1
did you like those songs i wrote?
or was it all just a joke?
we may have had some things in common
you liked to drink, i liked to smoke
we liked that one band, we should have seen the show

did you care when i called you in the middle of the night?
just so we could spend some time together
we had so much ahead of us
we had so much together
we could have been great

did you want what you have?
or did you want what you had?
we both know we have flaws
and i know i'm not perfect
but at least i'm trying
don't drink and drive, smoke and fly. actually, do both, if that's what you want. i won't care.
#2
Quote by Jangles5150


did you like those songs i wrote?

Opening is really intriguing.

or was it all just a joke?

Even though a bridge is there between above 2 lines . keeping in mind the tone of the piece . I think one question was enough . Moreover its really cliche.


we may have had some things in common
you liked to drink, i liked to smoke
we liked that one band, we should have seen the show


This is the best part of the piece because I can totally relate to it . last line seems little bit forced . Instead of seen maybe catch.


did you care when i called you in the middle of the night?
just so we could spend some time together
we had so much ahead of us
we had so much together
we could have been great


Now this stanza sucks really . Just keep emotions and meaning aside .Ever heard "stan" .I can totally hear eminem singing this. They are totally cliche , boring , unoriginal etc.


did you want what you have?
or did you want what you had?
we both know we have flaws
and i know i'm not perfect
but at least i'm trying

ending is boring , rushed.




Overall the whole piece is really bland , boring , cliche. Try to think of better images , use some metaphors . Read the tips thread for future pieces.

I'm srry. if I was harsh on you


Andy
Hi
#3
should i re-write it?
don't drink and drive, smoke and fly. actually, do both, if that's what you want. i won't care.