#1
tell me what you thinm

{Verse One}
Looking back through time
makes me wonder why
I put up with all the things i've done
trying to break free
trying to be me
feels like im plunging into a lake of fire
(a bottomless pit)
you try to control me
doing all i can to break free
trying to lift my soul
from this dark hell hole
the weight all my sins
tired of all this
clenching my fists
(trying to endure this pain)
trying so hard to
unstain my soul
from this dark shadow
my minds about to blow!

{chorus}
Though the roads hard and long
i still walk thru the dark
thru censors and bull****
i still speak my mind
you can run all you want...
but im still coming

{Verse Two}
you think Broke me down,
but i still walking
you think you've silenced me
but im speaking loud each time
im comming and you cant stop me
im out of this lake
im out of this pit
**** man, who gives a ****
you cant stop me
you cant control me
(because i've broken free)
open your eyes and see
your try to test my patience
and your try to test me
you try to break me
but even...

{chorus}
Though the roads hard and long
i still walk thru the dark
thru censors and bull****
i still speak my mind
you can run all you want...
but im still coming

{solo}

{verse three}
i've beat you,
your dead to me
you can no long bother me
i told you
you cant kill me
no matter what im still coming
(still coming!)
i told you
you cant contain me
i've broken free for your control
(from your control)
all the **** you
tried to feed me
was just fuel for..
the fire
(you'd thought i'd come undone)
but im more complete
then you'd ever kno!
so **** you
we're finished.
....
FINISHED
#2
To be honest, this feels very overdone. Its full of cliche phrasing, poor word choice, unneeded swears (which show a level of immaturity), and stale ideas. You've not really done much here to make me think, "wow, that was a cool way of saying that." or "neat spin on that idea." Instead, as I was reaching about the mid-way point I was thinking, "I've read this 100 times before, from pretty much every angsty high-schooler who's ever sat down to write a poem."

Some advice:

a) try writing something more original, when you are building upon ideas that have been written by everyone everywhere for a very long time, there is little to no chance you are going to come up with a song/poem that is worth reading

b) break-away from the cliches. You're entire piece is riddled with lines that we've all heard 1000000 times. For the most part, we don't want to hear them anymore. When we do hear them, it makes us (as readers) feel that you didn't know how to say something, or that you weren't creative enough to find your own way to say it, so you took the easy way out.

All that said, keep writing and building upon what you've started. You'll do well.

-zC

(if you could, any comments on any of the ones in my sig would be appreciated)
#3
yeah...im not a good...lyrical person, but i tried my hand at it...which is why i shall stick to my guitar
#5
Quote by nativerocker
yeah...im not a good...lyrical person, but i tried my hand at it...which is why i shall stick to my guitar


Don't do that. Everyone fills their first piece with cliches and awful ideas... its the normal process. Keep writing, you'll pick up as you go. Read some pieces and keep writing, I promise you will get better.